I am upset by the men in Portland. It is slim pickin’s if a girl wants a man who fits all the criteria: handsome, sane, and loyal. To the passive aggressive self involved Peter Pans of Portland, who aren’t currently looking for their Wendy, fucking give up the act and look around. Not ever girl […]
Anonymous
Posted inI, Anonymous
Dear Smug White Bastards
Shut the fuck up. Don’t even look at me: I will not be your one black friend. You are not exceptional. You are not different. You drink too much beer and use your dogs to get laid. You think you’re so fucking brilliant for living in Portland; you are not. You haven’t even earned the […]
Posted inI, Anonymous
All About the Mary-Jane
To that twat licking little mega whore: You were the worst “best friend” ever! Did you find your life so un-exhilerating that you had to blab the private content of mine to everyone? You’re the most fake, pretencious, naive little cunt I know. Let me give you some advice. Quit smoking cigarettes, nobody thinks your […]
Posted inI, Anonymous
Sticky Business
Every time my BFF or I need a new vibrator or some humorously tall platform glitter shoes, you’re the porn store we turn to. That’s why when BFF urgently needed a pair of sexcuffs on Easter Sunday, we came straight to you. And my, were we delighted to see that you had a holiday promotion […]
Posted inI, Anonymous
I, Anonymous
DREADLOCK SMACKDOWN
To my idiotic American hippie “friends”: FUCK YOU. You like my dreads? FUCK OFF!! My hair does it naturally, unlike yours. Lemme guess—you used mayonnaise, pigeon farts, and regurgitated camel vomit to create those stringy gross things on your head, right? What, I’m supposed to think that because you talk really softly and drink chai […]
Posted inI, Anonymous
I, Anonymous
Cheer Up
To the shrieking British twat who berated my friends and me at the Timbers Open Cup match, I have one question: Do your privileges as head cheerleader ensure that you get to blow every player after the game? I realize that, in the heat of the moment, we said a chant that’s outdated. But, I […]
Posted inI, Anonymous
I, Anonymous
Spiritual Dog Shit Unity
I saw you put your dog’s bag of shit into my garbage can in front of my house. How NICE that you have no boundaries and enjoy sharing your dog’s smelly, messy bag with others. I can see by your REI sportswear that you’re a fitness buff, but can’t bear to carry that HEAVY load […]
Posted inI, Anonymous
I, Anonymous
Born This Way
Like I said calmly to the drunken man with big arms last evening: That’s unfortunate that you don’t like the way I look, however that doesn’t concern me; it’s your stupid business entirely. I’ve attracted assholes like you my whole life, and you can threaten to hit me, actually hit me, come up behind me […]
Posted inI, Anonymous
I, Anonymous
Tofurious
Attention Portland Restaurants: My friends and I are fine with waiting 45 minutes to an hour to eat brunch, but what we are not fine with is shitty tofu scramble. The last couple experiences I have had at a number of different popular brunch establishments have resulted in bland tasting and unappetizing looking tofu scrambles. […]
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I, Anonymous
Apologies of a Douche
Dear New Seasons patron—I totally deserved the note you left on my windshield calling me a d-bag for my great parking job. I parked my busted-ass Honda Accord way too close to the parking line and I didn’t make it easy for you to back out of your spot. I even noticed this myself and […]
Posted inI, Anonymous
I, Anonymous
Cold Hard Truth
Dear Portland Public Schools: I pay your salaries for one reason: to educate my idiot son. While I realize this is a gargantuan task—he is an idiot, after all—it is a task that will never be accomplished if YOU CLOSE THE SCHOOL BECAUSE OF ONE MILLIMETER OF SNOW ON THE GROUND. I am from Minnesota […]