Anonymous

Anonymous Male Parental Unit: Can’t you wait until the sheets cool off? Did you text in your stats to eHarmony on the way back from the divorce lawyer? Dealing with your split up is hard for us kids, but watching you strut around with a lighthouse mounted on your dick alerting the entire universe that you […]

Dear people who had the house party off NE 15th and Killingsworth a few summers ago: I was most terribly, hopelessly addicted to heroin at the time. I was just another scumbag junkie chick with a pocketful of heroin, and had just left my dealer’s place a few blocks away when I came walking by. First the music caught […]

Dear Irrationally Aggro Whole Foods Shopper: You were behind me in line at the grocery store and it REALLY pissed you off when I walked my two items through the checkout line instead of placing them on the conveyor belt, which is apparently a rule you live by. Judging by your psychotic reaction to this […]

To all the rude, lazy, arrogant assholes everywhere: I DO NOT WANT TO BE YOUR FUCK BUDDY! I know it must come as a shock to you, but I have no interest in being used by you at your convenience. If you have no interest in getting to know me as a human being, then […]

Dear Portland Restaurateurs—Have you ever heard of a Jew? How about a Muslim? I’m guessing the answer is “No.” Otherwise, you would know WE DON’T EAT PORK! Why is it so goddamned impossible for me to go to a restaurant and order a meal with no bacon on it/in it/around it? And if you do […]

I commend your attempt to introduce theater to your young children, although why you chose the 100-minute-long monologue of An Iliad is beyond me. However, when only three minutes into the production your seven-year-old leans over to you and says, “I’m going to throw up,” your correct response should have been to grab him by […]

To the jerk who ATTACKED my hand last night: YOU SQUISHED MY HAND. Now, I’m no pushover in the handshake world, and I usually wouldn’t mind a bit of a squeeze, but JESUS. First of all—FUCK YOU. I feel like I’ve been dominated, and I don’t even have the whip marks this time. Maybe you […]

Dear Portland women: Fuck you. Every one of you. You’re all looking for “chemistry,” and I’ve finally figured out what that means. You use that word as an excuse to date someone who doesn’t like you very much. You want a man who’s mysterious and hard to reach—which is another way of saying you would rather date someone who doesn’t actually like […]

Why the fuck am I buying you a wedding present? You’re in your mid 30s—if you don’t have a blender, or a throw rug, or a set of 12 porcelain teacups, that is not my problem. In the old days, when poor 20-year-olds married each other, it made sense to help start out their lives with […]

To Mr. and Mrs. Spiffy, in the front row at a modern dance show: Your neat-o, logo-infested clothes don’t make you classy or honorable, you slimy perverts! Mrs. Spiffy, when you started browsing on your iPhone during the show, I was mildly annoyed, having to look past the light from your little gee-gaw to see my […]

Portland drivers, listen up: QUIT, oh please QUIT stopping in the middle of the road to wave me through. Whether I am a pedestrian, a bicyclist, or another car, you are not doing anyone any favors. You are creating a serious disturbance to the normal flow of traffic, confusing other drivers, and creating a completely […]

Okay, Conscientious Commuter, I get it: You hate my big pickup truck. This is why you glower and squirm and throw up your hands in outrage when you can’t fit your Prius in between my behemoth Ford and the parked cars lining the street. But in the interest of fostering understanding between your kind and […]