Anonymous

“My dog hates your dog. Deal with it.”

Brad, get off the heroin! I say that on behalf of the entire block, and on behalf of your girlfriend, who was screaming at you on her cell phone while sitting on her front stoop at 6:45 am this morning. She’s screaming at you, Brad, and you won’t take this seriously. Brad, don’t you realize what […]

To the 11,000 or so soulless, surely hell-bound “fans” who left before the end of game six at the Rose Garden: I don’t care how old you are, how early you work, or where you’re parked. These are the last two minutes of one of the hardest-fought seasons imaginable. Sit your ass in your seat and […]

Dear taggers at house shows: Stop ruining our music scene.

Okay, so I was stupid enough the first time that I thought the mileage gauge on my old 1975 Chevy had ceased to accurately display my gas consumption, and subsequently thought it was my fucking fault for running out of gas on 15th and Fremont. My insight into the dilemma took another turn with my […]

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: PLEASE STOP USING SALUTATIONS AND SIGNATURES IN EMAILS. Did you use your real name when you signed up for your email account? Good. That means I can ALREADY SEE WHO IT IS FROM. Do you think it is likely that I forgot what MY name is? No? That means I DON’T NEED TO […]

To Officer Dickhead, who pulled me over today and cited me for not wearing a seatbelt. SURPRISE! I was fucking wearing a seatbelt! You even had the gall to say, “Oh, well you have it on now.” You think that in the two seconds from when I passed you until you pulled me over I was […]

“Attention movie theaters: DVDs are NOT films!”

When sperm donors turn into assholes.

I have written three recent I, Anonymous columns, submitted from different email addresses. The most recent was built upon a small fragment of truth, but the other two were complete bullshit (as many online readers have suspected). I originally started my crusade as a way to impress hot indie chicks, but it has since turned […]