Anonymous

Dear local pho house waiter man—Remember the time our steaming veggie pho soup had fleas in it? I remember. We tried to avoid them and be polite, but with each dip of the painted ceramic soup spoon there was a fear, and a flea. We felt bad, and were totally critted out, so we timidly […]

Dear Scumbag Hippie: Put down your drumsticks, pick up a hammer, and finish the construction on your fucking house! Not only has your house been a goddamn eyesore without any proper windows, siding, or walls for the last TWO YEARS, but also your drum playing SUCKS!! We can all (your other neighbors complain too!) hear […]

Pet rent?? Why does an animal need to pay its own rent? I’m tired of looking for a place to live and finding out that not only do you want $400-plus in non-refundable deposits for my animals (EACH), but now you want to charge monthly rent for them too? It’s not like my dog or […]

To the douchebag pogo-er of SE 35th and Morrison: You have got to be the only person in Portland over the age of 10 who owns a pogo stick and uses it on a regular (daily?) basis. And seriously, you are seriously way too serious about this bullshit. Maybe if you gave the impression that […]

Look at you in your neon and rollerblades. Kids, let me ‘splain you something: We invented this whole retro-ironic thing in the late ’80s, when popular culture became hopelessly, irrefutably lame. We started listening to surf music and rockabilly from the late-’50s and early-’60s. We had Man… or Astro-man. Art Chantry. You can’t keep pounding […]

To the guy who was my first time making out: God, I fucking hate Truth or Dare. So, you told me you would guide me. I’m not gonna lie, I was a little tipsy from my mom’s weird “extra dry California grown” white wine. Yuck. We leaned in, our lips touched. Suddenly, I felt this […]

Dear old and desperate men: The young folks may be running around in their rompers and daisy dukes and flimsy summer dresses, but these mating colors aren’t for you. And to the particular rockabilly greaser who ruined my iced coffee this morning: You didn’t even ask before sitting down next to me, and I didn’t treat myself […]

To the toothless geezer loitering in Chinatown after the Pride Parade: Sorry my friends and I ignored you and your meth-addicted lady friend when you asked us why straight people don’t get a parade. If I hadn’t been worried about getting my friend in drag safely back to her car, I would have been glad […]

Dear Hurried Ikea Shopper Lady: I know you were in a hurry to get some cheap, poorly made colorful goods to decorate your McCraftsman. That was my gay lover and I happily sipping on our coffee drinks, two-thirds of the way across the crosswalk, when your red Mazda almost ran over my foot. I slapped […]

The first time a stranger whacked off in front of me was on Halloween. He was wearing a gorilla mask, and a mechanic’s jumpsuit zipped all the way down with his cock in a penis pump. I was drunk and thought it was just a nasty costume until he whipped it out and whacked it. […]

To everyone who didn’t give my girlfriend and me a ride home from Sasquatch!: You’re an asshole. I expected all the lies about “wishing we were going your way cause we’d totally give you a ride!” from the Seattle schmucks, and all the asinine questions about “what is PDX?” from the morons of the Canadian […]

Jesus Christ, Leverage! How many fucking parking spots does your crew need to take out of downtown lots to film your piece of shit sorry excuse for a third-rate cable network void of a fucking show? I rarely drive to work, but when I do I expect at least one spot to be open in a […]