Anonymous

I know the economy is tough right now, but please stop stealing my BBQs. I just got a rad used grill/smoker—potentially the best BBQ I have ever had. It was real crusty and filled with grease, so I spent two hours scraping all the crud out of it. I then left the grill tops next to […]

Dear hipsters, elitist douchebags, and whiners: Please shut the fuck up about Portlandia. I am so sick of hearing about how “Oh mehhhhhh, Carrie Brownstein isn’t even from Portland, mehhhhhh…” The multitalented and gorgeous Brownstein has probably lived here longer than you anyway, and she’s from Olympia. It’s not like she’s from LA. You’re just […]

I am a cable guy. Not a furniture mover. I am not going to help you move your 200-pound TV up two flights of stairs, or move your bookcase so you can have a cable outlet there. Move it before I get there. I don’t care that your house is filthy, but your house is […]

To the simpleton who tossed a mucus-green dildo featuring a protruding clit stim onto the elementary school playground: Let’s just say that you were on the right track when you decided you needed to be at school, because clearly your education is incomplete. May I be of some assistance? As someone who educationally mentors illiterate […]

To the owners of Portland’s yoga studios, gyms, etc.: Please stop asking yoga teachers to do an “audition.” It’s an absurd hoop to jump through, and one that has nothing to do with yoga. Many of us yoga instructors are not also actors on the side, nor are we comfortable with playing make-believe to an […]

Dear construction/road crews working on Grand/MLK Avenues—It sure does seem like you could do all of the work on the right side of the road at one time, and then all of the work on the left. Instead you forced what are normally four lanes of traffic to squeeze through a two-lane bottleneck, and then […]

I’m from California, and I drive like an asshole. This is not a virtue. I’ve learned to take on the local practice of patience and have (mostly) adjusted. But now, in a characteristically self-aware fashion, Portland’s patient drivers are being criticized more and more for being too slow and too considerate. But we have pedestrian […]

Mom! Stop commenting on every Facebook post I put up! I’m glad you’ve moved into the digital age and found old classmates online, but Facebook used to be this virtual place where I could virtually interact with my friends. How would you like it if your mom started butting in while you were hanging out with […]

To the jerks who ruined my lunch break: I was sitting outside of my work (appropriately perched more than 10 feet from any door connected to an operating business), desperately smoking another cigarette before my only break ended. It was really cold. I’m sure I looked slightly unhappy and maybe a little odd on the […]

I was here during the rise and the fall of the club Satyricon. I watched as local papers told us Courtney Love was a regular (she definitely was NOT!), and that if we were lucky we could get in to see Portland bands like Everclear and Sleater-Kinney (NOT PORTLAND BANDS!). Who could I trust in […]

Hey Bar Owners! I need a fucking drink. Have you forgotten how long I’ve been slaving at your fucking dive? To have you cancel the holiday party is insulting. I’ve been silent for the last few years, but no more. You assholes need to show appreciation for the people who bust ass at your run-down shitty […]