Anonymous

Hey I understand stuff like this is amazing, but you don’t need to come in here with a bunch of your drunk friends and see if you can all fit in one booth, and make fun of all the glory holes. You guys were super loud, confrontational and extra ignorant. Everybody hanging out answered you […]

Just because you work at the hippest grocery store in town does not entitle you to be a self-righteous ass. I know your company’s mission statement and it doesn’t say anything about making your customers feel like punching you. I came in with a flu, a fever, and a grocery bag made of crocheted plastic […]

Dear Local Baptist Church…I’m writing to let you know that someone from your congregation came to my outer SE neighborhood to pass out tracts today. This gray haired, bespectacled fellow literally drove up in his gray truck and asked my 11 and 9 year-old children “if they wanted candy” before he handed them a flier, […]

To the shrieking British twat who berated at my friends and I at the Timbers Open Cup match, I have one question: Do your privileges as head cheerleader ensure that you get to blow every player after the game? I realize that, in the heat of the moment, we said a chant that’s outdated (sorry, […]

To the Jersey Shore wannabes at Devils Point tonight, just because you’re “having a birthday party” does not mean you can all stand in a group and block the stage. I am a regular costumer who tips even if I have to sit way at the back because the place is packed. No I do […]

Dear Family in White SUV outside my house, Yes, we see you’ve pulled over, oh and we feel sorry that one of your 2.5 children is a little car sick, i feel a little compassion for him. Yet i wonder, will you leave that puke in front of my house? as i wonder if i […]

Dear drunken goons who flock to Old Town on the weekends,I understand that many of you have crippling doubts about your worthiness and masculinity. The world can be a tough place and many of you lack a job, a girlfriend or a meaningful life. That being said: Stop fucking attacking the trees on my street! […]

The first really warm sunny weekend of the spring, and you have some assholes out there running a power washer for THREE FUCKING HOURS STRAIGHT!?!? EDGING YOUR LAWN WITH A POWER WASHER!?!?!?!? What the fuck?!?!?!? Are you the fucking stupiedest person in the whole fucking world? There are several tools you can use to edge […]

To the not-so-classy couple a short step away from a public indecency ticket in the park, get a fucking room. I was trying to relax, soak up the rare Portland sun on a gorgeous day, and you had to come, lay your blanket directly in front of my own, and spend hours grunting and groping […]

Dear Jeld-Wen Field:Fuck you. dont you realizae that around 70% of your fans are smokers? and you think its ok tyo take away our smoking section, and replace it with 16 year olds in blue shirts telling me not to smoke?!?! i hope somebody shits in your mouth then holds it shut. im a season […]

I used to know some bikers, and at the time I thought they were damn fine people. But now I’m starting to suspect you’re all a bunch of assholes. You opened a biker bar near my house, and I now know you illegally modify your pipes just to make your bikes obnoxiously loud. Some of […]