Anonymous

To the one who stole the live turkey from the schoolyard: I’m sorry, but you definitely suck. There were two live turkeys living in the front gardens of my son’s school, just hanging out with the resident chickens, and when I went to get them, one of them was gone. You took the cock and left his […]

When you were down on your luck, I lent you money to make a car payment on your stupidly overpriced BMW that you couldn’t afford. Shortly thereafter, our relationship fell apart and I asked you to pay me back. You refused. Then you made false claims that you already had paid me back. When my […]

To the douchebag at the wine tasting: You looked and sounded like a total fool by talking loud, asking questions that our speaker previously had answered, and announcing you were some sort of “second level wine expert.” You were a loud hunk of shit who embarrassed himself when the star of the show walked into […]

Coffee shops staffed by strippers are ruining good coffee! This whole wave of boner-fueled barista shops is fucking ridiculous, sexist, and exploitive. It isn’t even about the goddamn coffee anymore. It is about the hotness and the fuck-ability of the twat or twerp behind the counter. If you think for a second that you are […]

The MAX train was crowded, people were packed pretty tight. And with all of us here together, riding the public transit system, you somehow come to the conclusion that CHANGING YOUR CHILD’S DIAPER ON A SEAT OF THE TRAIN is a socially accepted practice. Who told you that’s okay to do? Are you wearing blinders […]

I know that stealing a bottle of Cholula hot sauce from a local burrito restaurant isn’t the end of the world, but it is dishonest. I had no intention of stealing until I noticed a fresh, unused bottle of Cholula at the condiments bar. I thought about how it would complement the burrito I was […]

Hey, male acquaintances: I know we’ve met each other like four times in the past three months, and it’s been fun having small talk and barely getting to know one another, but I have a favor to ask you, bro: Stop fucking hugging me! You see dude, I don’t really know you, and half the time […]

I lost my phone, and in a panic I told my mom. We both started calling until after an hour, you finally picked up. You sounded unsure and sketchy. You told me to meet you at Sweetpea bakery in five minutes. I drove right over and waited out in the cold because it was closed. […]

You guys really made my night, you know that? Here I was, finishing up some bathroom-ly duties near a bar on Fremont, and a random movement in a window caught my eye. Lo, and I did behold in the closed-up bar a dark haired man totally giving his all to a hot young thing with […]

There’s nothing quite as obnoxious as someone in the back of the bus playing an acoustic guitar, strumming away and only singing fragments of songs because they can’t remember the lyrics. They think they’re Jack fucking Johnson, and they end up looking like the smuggest douchebag in Portland. I would rather have a masturbating bum […]

I KNOW that $15 is kind of steep for a souvenir circus program, but the look on a child’s face as they watch the performers autograph it for them is priceless. Having said that, this goes out to the fuckin’ lowlife scumbag thief who stole my four-year-old granddaughter’s circus program while she and I were putting on clown […]

Dear Old Fucks at Rock Shows—Fuck you! If you haven’t been to a show in a while and don’t know how to mosh… don’t start a fucking pit! The fact that drinking deadens the pain doesn’t help. If you want to start a pit, it goes in a circle, you don’t just get to flail […]