Anonymous

When sperm donors turn into assholes.

I have written three recent I, Anonymous columns, submitted from different email addresses. The most recent was built upon a small fragment of truth, but the other two were complete bullshit (as many online readers have suspected). I originally started my crusade as a way to impress hot indie chicks, but it has since turned […]

“I’m really mad about you returning perishable food to our store!!”

“Dear Bouncer: You’re drinking the sweat from my balls.”

What you did to my computer was FUCKING CREEPY.

Party killers get the piss taken out of them.

I WAS WALKING behind the public library a few months ago, and saw what seemed to be a tie-dyed shirt strung up with twine, hanging from a tree. Assuming it was some creative hippie method of caring for a new addition to one’s wardrobe, I just let it be and forgot about it. Today I was […]

Dear Yoga Dudes: You… are… ridiculous.

I was riding the MAX downtown with my straight best friend when we noticed you mumbling near the door. You kept giving us shifty eyes, then I heard some words along the lines of “dirty faggots.” When your stop came up you stopped mumbling and quite coherently started cursing at me for my piercings, my hair, and […]

After spending my afternoon cleaning the garbage left in an abandoned apartment, I loaded up my truck. With a huge box of garbage in the bed, I headed up Lombard when the last thing I needed to happen, happened: The trash flew out of my truck bed and spread over both lanes. Fuck. I backed up my […]

So, the first thing you should know about me is when I drink whiskey I become an unrepentant sociopath with a sense of entitlement a mile across. HOWEVER, I appear to have a conscience once sober, because I feel bad about having picked your pocket the other night at a show. I just wanted you […]

To the pieces of shit that left a unique surprise in the hotel room for me to clean up twice in one week: It was such a nice surprise to walk into your dirty, vacant room and see a used condom lying lifeless on the floor, filled with your baby soup. Is there a big […]