Anonymous

Hey, Germ Freak working on the second floor of my office building: I feel ya. I don’t like touching bathroom door handles, either. And though you waste an obscene amount of paper managing this disorder, I can forgive you for that, too. But after you use the paper towel to open the door, so that […]

To all the staunch assholes out there who have decided that the hookers need to be booted from Craigslist: What the hell did the hookers ever do to you? In this economy, I imagine the hookers are the only ones really making a buck. Is that it? Let’s all suffer together in misery? Here are […]

To all my neighbors in the Laurelhurst: Fuck you!!!! Oh, you don’t like bums drinking malt liquor? Go sleep under a fucking bridge some night, ASSHOLE, and see if you don’t need to get cheaply drunk. Now you’re busy convincing all the mini-marts to discontinue carrying my beloved 211 Steel Reserve. For fuck’s sake, why? […]

Dear Fucktard Neighbor—Up until yesterday, I tolerated your habitual use of Xanax and compulsive consumption of Stella Artois, even while you were mumbling incoherencies and stop-motion stumbling up the stairs of our apartment building. Your spaghetti legs could be endearing if it weren’t for the piss spot on your pants. It is unfortunate that your […]

Dear arcade-o-philes—I understand the rigors of my job. If I didn’t, I probably would not have applied to be a porn store clerk. I know you’re sexually frustrated. I listen day after day to your strange excuses and failed attempts to convince me that you are a completely normal member of society. The punch line […]

To the loudmouth-know-it-all at pub trivia: If we were in third grade and you had said what you did to me, you would have gotten time out for rude, poor sportsmanlike behavior. Since we’re adults, the only ramification you’ll suffer is getting called out in the newspaper. Implying that I have the math comprehension of […]

Dear Music Store Guy—I asked you if you had any left-handed guitars, to which you responded, “Yeah, we keep them with the left-handed drums and the left-handed pianos.” You then proceeded to tell me that left-handed people just play right-handed like everyone else, and you said this with an attitude that almost seemed to imply […]

Dear John—Having my life reduced to selling my punany on 82nd in order to make ends meet has made my rules of the road quite lenient, to say the least. It’s okay to fuck me up the ass for an extra $20, twist my nipples like you are turning on a goddamned radio station, and […]

We HATE you. I speak for every restaurant employee in the Pearl District who has ever worked a First Thursday. If this is your idea of a good time then you are an asshole, no exceptions. You order a disgusting drink and complain it doesn’t taste right. You act like you have no idea how […]

Dear men who like head: Hey, self-proclaimed (yet still single) “beer geek,” want better odds on bedding that hot temptress at the end of the bar? Then don’t assume she just rolled off the Hefeweizen bottling line. Why don’t you ask her what her favorite styles of beer are, rather than assuming you need to […]