Chelsea Cain

Analysis for People on the Go by Chelsea Cain Do I Have a Crush on My Friend’s Neighbor? Have you recently started feeling light-headed, dreamy, and a little constipated? Do you have trouble concentrating at work? Do you giggle by yourself for no apparent reason? Don’t worry–it’s not gout. Your symptoms point to a condition […]

Am I a Franco-Bigot? Do you love to ridicule the French? Well, you’re in luck! It’s never been more socially acceptable! Not a French-hater, but looking for a cultural punch line for your vitriol? Consider jumping on the anti-Frog bandwagon. It’s EASY to make fun of the French. And fun! But before you get started, […]

Should I Seek Medical Attention? You’re sick, and we don’t mean “cool.” Look at you. Hunched over your desk, snot running into your mouth, eyes glazed over. You’re disgusting. Is it a cold? A flu? Walking mononucleosis? Or do you just need a divorce? Only a true medical professional knows for sure. But when are […]

Am I a Clone? The French-racecar-driver-worshiping Raëlians have announced that two clones have been born and that dozens more are due in the next few months. This has led to a great deal of international speculation as to the validity of the Raëlians’ claims, as well as the identity and location of the “clones.” Do […]

Which Pet Cause Will Give My Life Meaning? As we careen into the holiday season, it is not unusual for rich people to experience symptoms of depression as they realize that their existence is essentially meaningless, and that they are all doomed. But don’t worry, rich people! There are plenty of causes to champion that […]

What About My Future? Can’t find a job? Considering law school? Looking into a handgun permit? Wait! Before you decide what to do with your life, take this easy multiple-choice quiz. This test is scientifically proven to determine once and for all what you should do with your life! Good luck! I like to read: […]

Is My Neighbor the Suburban Sniper? It’s an old truism that no one likes to get shot in the head, so it’s no wonder that everyone is a little jumpy about this whole “unidentified sniper” thing. Who is this guy? Why is he so mad? Who is he going to shoot next, and is he […]

How Hep am I? You know him. The sharp dresser. The cat’s meow. The bee’s knees. The hep cat. You would like to be hep, too, wouldn’t you? You’ve watched him with his shiny shoes and his record albums and you’ve thought: that could be me. I could comb my hair like that, and learn […]

Am I a Hippie? After receiving many reader letters surrounding a recent column by Ann Romano, editors at the Portland Mercury have been forced to face an unsettling question: Are some of our readers hippies? After struggling with the notion and its implications for several days, the editors have asked the Self-Hell Institute in Helsinki […]

Am I America? Many folks here at The Helsinki Institute (located in downtown Madison, Wisconsin) have been talking about President Bush’s economic forum. (We have a lot of time to watch CNN while waiting for lab results.) This has led to some confusion. “We’re America,” the president told a group of 240 carefully chosen, mainly […]