Chelsea Cain

Am I Having a Bad Day? Ever have a day when you wish you hadn’t been born? Of course you have! Everyone has dark days, even celebrities! Even George Hamilton has woken up wishing someone would just cleave him in two with a long sword. Yet despite their ubiquity, many people are loathe to admit […]

You can’t sleep. You’re angry. You yell at puppies and small children. It was not that long ago you used to spend all day mellow and stoned on the porch of that old punk rock house you shared with 15 of your college buddies. Now you are cantankerous and fuming. What happened? Where did you […]

Am I a Closet Heterosexual? Every week, here at the Helsinki Institute, we receive dozens of hermetically sealed titanium trunks full of letters from troubled young people in the throws of personal crisis. Once confident and strapping, these young folk now tremble under the burden of a dark and terrible secret. Will their friends and […]

Am I Philosophy-Retarded? Have you been described as “slow,” “half-witted,” or “dull”? Are you boring at dinner parties? Don’t worry. You’re not dumb. You just need to bone up on some useful philosophy references. Think you might require some tutoring? Take this simple multiple choice definition quiz and find out. Good luck! Define the following: […]

Am I Spider-Man? It is a scientifically proven phenomenon that when a society focuses all its attention (magazine cover stories, theme alt weeklies, etc.) on the latest trendy sensation, social neurosis often ensues. This is known as “social transference identity disorder,” and it can strike those weakened by an onslaught of hyper-focused publicity, usually surrounding […]

How’s Your Mental State? Fine, I hope! Eight months of constant cloud cover and interminable drizzle can have devastating affects on fragile minds. Now that the rainy season is coming to a close, it is very important that Portlander’s take time to make a mental check of their facilities. Curious as to whether you made […]

Should I Sue? In this contentious age of litigation, it has become increasingly difficult to judge when one should take one’ s concerns to court. Have you been libeled? Emotionally damaged? Financially disrupted? Who hasn’t? But do you deserve money for it? Take this simple true/false quiz and find out! Good luck! T F I […]

Do I Need a Spiritual Enema? The Vatican’s recent statement that it would neither confirm nor deny a report that Pope John Paul II has now carried out three exorcisms during his papacy has left many people wondering if they, too, need a good religious cleansing. Word is that the most recent exorcism involved a […]

Find your Celebrity Best Friend! We all wish that we had a celebrity best friend. But do you want to waste your time writing letters to someone who wouldn’t fit your lifestyle? It’s important to seek a celebrity best friend who will stick with you through thick and thin. Want to know who’s right for […]

Am I News Savvy? So, you are enjoying a rather lovely dinner party when your host makes a passing reference to something or someone from the news. You freeze. Do you pretend to know who Osama bin Laden is? Or do you admit that you haven’t read a newspaper since sophomore civics? Perhaps it is […]

Am I the Second Coming? Well, it’s the holiday season, a time of year when many of us can’t help but reflect on the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus H. Christ. As we do, it is completely normal for us to search our own lives for clues of heavenly influence and divine powers. […]

Do I Have What it Takes to be an Airport Screener? As our nation enters this new era of shiftless anxiety, many folks feel the call to come to the aid of their country. Some will become firefighters. Some, police officers. Some will join the service, work in flag factories, or sell Ford Tempos at […]