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Frank Cassano

Since 2000, Frank Cassano has authored “Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade,” the only worthwhile thing in the Portland Mercury. His interests include fuck you.
Posted inMercury 25th Anniversary Issue

The Failure Parade

A look back at the Mercury’s most unsuccessful “New Columns.”
Frank Cassano

[Find the Mercury‘s 25th Anniversary Issue (in print) near you by using this handy-dandy map, and read all of our anniversary stories here.—eds.] Hello, fuck-faces. My name is Frank Cassano—former author of “The Imbecile Parade,” the only truly successful column this shit-rag of a newspaper has ever produced. For the Mercury’s undeserved 25th anniversary, the drug-addled […]

Posted inElection Guide 2024

Imbecile Parade with Frank Cassano

The triumphant (?) return of (arguably?) the Mercury‘s greatest columnist.
Frank Cassano

THIS WEEK’S QUESTION: ARE YOU VOTING FOR HARRIS OR TRUMP FOR PRESIDENT? “I’m on the fence. Neither candidate has articulated a clear platform on the economy.” — Todd Whalen, insurance adjuster, SW Portland “Oh well, here’s a ‘clear platform’ for you… you are a blithering, halfwit IMBECILE! Were you buried alive under a pile of […]

Posted inComedy

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: “Are You Voting for Biden or Bernie?”

Frank Cassano

This Week’s Question: Are You Voting for Biden or Bernie? {{image:1, align:right, width:75}} “Are you kidding, bro? Bernie! And if you vote for any of those other corporate shills, I sure hope you like being a sheep getting skull-fucked by our vampire oligarchs and their spineless Democrat accomplices! Bernie’s revolution is here, and if you’re […]

Posted inComedy

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: Should Donald Trump be Impeached?

Frank Cassano

{{image:1, align:left, width:150}} “Absolutely. Once I learned the president tried to coerce Ukraine’s leader for personal gain, I realized he not only broke the law, but had shaken America’s faith in democracy.” —Toby R. Sorenson, Southeast Portland {{image:4, align:right, width:150}} “Oh, really, Toby? Now America’s faith in democracy is ‘shaken’? Thanks for the breaking news, […]

Posted inComedy

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: “What Do You Want from Santa This Year?”

Frank Cassano

{{image:1, align:right, width:200}} “I want a pretty pony!”—Rebecca Jenson, age 8 Merry Christmas, Rebecca! Allow me to give you your present early: The news that you’ll NEVER get a goddamn pony! You live in a fucking city, bed-pisser! Where do you plan on keeping a fucking HORSE? Inside your mother’s studio apartment? Next to your […]

Posted inImbecile Parade

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade

Should the Mercury Have a Conservative Columnist?
Frank Cassano

This week’s question: Should the Mercury have a conservative columnist? If the Mercury truly cared about diversity, it would represent all viewpoints—not just those of its tumblrina SJW editors! Oh, I’m SORRY, snowflakes! Did I TRIGGER YOU??—Bryce Dylan, Happy Valley No, you zit-fucked piss stain, you didn’t “trigger” me—but you did inspire me to cruise […]

Posted inComedy

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade!

This Week’s Question: What Do You Think of Portland’s New E-Scooters?
Frank Cassano

This Week’s Question: What Do You Think of Portland’s New E-Scooters? I do not like them! They look dangerous, and I already have trouble seeing bicyclists when I drive. —Anne Helman, NE Portland Shut the fuck up, Crypt Keeper! Here’s what “looks dangerous”: YOU BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A TWO-TON CAR! I’m less worried about […]

Posted inComedy

Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade

This Week’s Question: What’s Your Favorite Fun Summer Activity?
Frank Cassano

{{image:1}} “I like to cook up some ribs on the ol’ barbecue on the deck and tip back some cold ones with my buddies and my wonderful wife!” —Jeff Willford, Beaverton Jeff, you are a tedious, shit-for-brains IMBECILE. Thanks for BORING ME TO FUCKING DEATH—just bury me with your friends who died from salmonella poisoning. […]

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