A true privilege of scientists is the gratifying capacity to name things whatever they want. Thank Science Almighty for the power this particular perk wields. Even if things come pre-named, any scientist with a rectal thermometer and a grease pencil can design new distinctions and means to describe them with appellative surety. Renaming is rampant! […]
John Dooley
Posted inNews
The Factual Fiction of Paul Guinan’s Hysterical Hoax
The core inspiration of a hoax is to profit in some way from the gullibility of people too empty-headed to know better. To prey on the innocent–or ignorant for that matter–has been a source of amusement and arrogance for cruel and shifty bastards since the beginning of time. As any fool knows, we’ve all fallen […]
Posted inIt Sure is a Scientific World
Party Smart
Mensa (the High IQ Society), which I’m pretty sure stands for Many Educated Nerds Suffering Agoraphobia, is an international club for “really smart” people. They have a local Oregon chapter, called OMEN, and I’ll tell you what: these brainy social outcasts know how to revel with intellectual impunity! And while they may look dorky, and […]
Posted inEmployee of the Week
LAST CALL
A Former Bartender Rediscovers Life By Delivering The Dead
Not long ago, 31-year-old Anissa Hutchinson quit her job as a local bartender after reaching what could reasonably be called a personal turning point. After nearly two years of dealing with punk bands, drunken assholes, and puke-filled urinals, she relinquished her duties. Instead of the customary two weeks notice, however, she went a little off […]
Posted inIt Sure is a Scientific World
It Sure is a Scientific World
Spine Sucking Technology
Meat eaters rejoice! I mean it. Rejoice right now! Why? Because the good people at Jarvis Products Corporation recently unveiled their latest meat harvesting technological dream machine (drum roll please ) the Jarvis Model SHC 165G Hydraulically Powered Spinal Cord Remover! With this baby in use, the time from feet-to-meat-to-eat is practically cut in half! […]
Posted inIt Sure is a Scientific World
It Sure is a Scientific World
Liars Wanted
Honestly! Everything you’ve heard about how everyone hates liars is dead wrong. Twice yearly at Western Oregon University (WOU) in Monmouth, Oregon, liars are not only preferred company, they are recruited. For the 12th year running, WOU’s School of Polygraphy is calling for a few good liars to take lie detector tests during its August […]
Posted inNews
Riding The Dog
Strange but True Tales from the Greyhound Bus Line
Since the beginning of time, travel of any kind has been a pain in the ass. Uprooting oneself and plunging headlong into unknown, difficult, and potentially hostile environments will forever remain one of life’s cruelest challenges. Let alone the constant pressure on one’s hindquarters. Though scientists are working on ways the rich can submerge themselves […]
Posted inIt Sure is a Scientific World
It Sure is a Scientific World
Excremental Affairs
Kissing bugs (Rhodnius prolixus) are foul creatures. Originally from South & Central America, populations have been growing in the U.S. for nearly a decade. Kissing bugs love lips. They gather around on the lips while their victim sleeps, bite holes, drink blood, then shit in the hole! Their shit contains a parasite that climbs out […]
Posted inIt Sure is a Scientific World
It Sure is a Scientific World
Coffee Slugs Snails
Scientists are reporting that coffee has been discovered to kill slugs and snails. Naturally, Northwest gardeners began putting away their Deadline Force II Slug and Snail Bait and started giving espresso a shot. These fresh-face pansies have been brewing up extra batches of Morning Fogcutter, and squirting it around the premises in place of ecologically […]
Posted inIt Sure is a Scientific World
Doing Dolphin
WEYMOUTH, England–It was announced earlier this month, that a gleeful 400-pound sexual predator named Georges is on the loose at this British seaside resort town. According to victim reports, the offender has been described as blue, with a big nose, and cute as a button! Georges, after all, is a horny bottlenose dolphin and he’s […]
Posted inIt Sure is a Scientific World
It Sure is a Scientific World
Dicks of the Insect World
[Editor’s Note: John Dooley is on vacation this week, so please enjoy this rather disgusting column from the Scientific World archives.] Recently, while most of the nation toiled aimlessly at their day jobs, I was recreating myself by reading a report from New Scientist magazine about bug genitalia. Specifically: insect penises. Bug dicks. As you […]
Posted inNews
In the Line of Fire
The Black Cross Serves as an E.R. for Activists
The American Revolution had Molly Pitcher; Northwest activists have the Black Cross Health Collective, a group of medical personnel determined to provide emergency first-aid treatment and education “specific to the radical community.” How determined? Recently members of Black Cross doused their eyes and bodies with pepper spray, a burning chemical that has become widely used […]