Submitted by: John Dooley, Field Scientist U.S.P. Mercury Division, Special Literary Correspondent Undisclosed Poolside Location (Uno mas cerveca por favor) Tactical achievements in modern warfare (using scientific advances) have created the ultimate Hydra-headed war machine. Excluding old-fashioned bullets and bombs–from financial fronts to robotic invasion campaigns, to micro-chip-cockroach-recognizance–war doesn’t get much better than this. The […]
John Dooley
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OUR “CONSUMER-CONFIDENT” ANNUAL HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE
In this time of national tragedy and warfare, when it seems that America is almost at its breaking point… we should remember that we still have one more major hurdle to overcome: Holiday Shopping. And while we would all love to say, “Screw you and your present, Grandma! I’ve got the anthrax!” it is up […]
Posted inIt Sure is a Scientific World
It Sure Is a Scientific World!
Dermatologist Grows Meat
A Dutch dermatologist, bored after working for years growing live sheets of human skin like so much veined sailcloth, wants instead, to refocus his efforts as an organ farmer and branch out into custom meat manufacturing in giant aquariums–without killing animals! The University of Amsterdam’s favorite skin farmer, Dr. Wiete Westerhof says he can use […]
Posted inIt Sure is a Scientific World
It Sure is a Scientific World
2001 Ig Nobel Prize Awards
Created to spotlight the dumbest scientific achievements, the 2001 Ig Nobel Award ceremony was held at Harvard University on October 4, 2001. The awards, held yearly since 1991, are co-sponsored by MIT, the Annals of Improbable Research, the Harvard-Radcliffe Science Fiction Association, the Harvard Computer Society, and the Harvard-Radcliffe Society of Physics Students. The ten-category […]
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The Accidental Exorcist
Plagued by Ghosts and Demons? Don’t Hire a Professional! Be Like Jess Gulbranson, and Do it Yourself!
Exorcisms: everybody’s doing them. Recently, it was reported that Mother Teresa underwent an exorcism just prior to her death to rid her body of a violent, demonic entity. Soon after, it was revealed that Pope John Paul II himself performs exorcisms–but he isn’t very good at it. According to a Vatican report, the pontiff attempted […]
Posted inIt Sure is a Scientific World
It Sure is a Scientific World
The Fun Rings Brings
Vanity Fair recently featured a story about people who like to dress up in big fluffy animal costumes, because it inspires them sexually. They call themselves Fuzzies. They say, “I’m in a fuzzy suit–me so cute and horny,” before jacking (or jagging)-off inside the costume. Remember that next time you rent a gorilla suit. Some […]
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okie dokie’s
Okie Dokie’s 3240 Hawthorne Blvd, Suite B 234-0073 You know what’s great? Simplicity. Billy opened Okie Dokie’s in May, and it’s a one-man show. He cooks, cleans, takes orders, and delivers pizza in his own lil’ blue micro Ford Fiesta, north to Burnside, south to Powell, east to 82nd, and west to the river, and […]
Posted inIt Sure is a Scientific World
It Sure is a Scientific World
Chronic nose picking is called rhinotillexomania. It is simultaneously disgusting and fascinating to discover the driver next to you, frantically booger mining while waiting in traffic. Rarely do these suffers of rhinotillexomania utilize socially sanctioned booger disposal devices, such as tissue paper. Most likely, the snot ends up hidden under the car seat. What are […]
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Chameleon
Chameleon
2000 NE 40th, 460-2682 At first glance, the interior of the Chameleon seems like a cross between a jungle habitat and restaurant, but as the sun sets the plant life and white linen blend into a less confusing ambiance. Volkswagen-size bouquets of sexy, fresh, purple orchids are balanced with mile-high tabletop candelabras, painting a scene […]
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DRUNK AGAIN!
Get Liquored Up With Our Second Annual Drinking Issue
• BAR-CHETYPES! A Sociological Overview of Barflys, Lotharios, the Unemployed, and Other Fine Folks Who Frequent Our Favorite Place in the World–the Bar by John Dooley, Katia Dunn, Wm. Steven Humphrey, Julianne Shepherd and Katie Shimer • ONE NIGHT DRINKING The winning entry in our "Crap, I’m a Drunk!" essay contest. by Christiaan Taylor • […]
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Voluntary Extinction
To celebrate the one-year anniversary of this column (see Portland Mercury 2000 drinking issue), I’d like to raise my foamy beaker with pride and salute you abstrusely for having read along. Unfortunately, just because I’d like to, doesn’t mean I will. I’m pretty fucking busy. I’m busy thinking about the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement (www.VHEMT.org), […]
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Bar-chetypes!
A Sociological Overview of Barflys, Lotharios, the Unemployed, and Other Fine Folks Who Frequent Our Favorite Place in the World–the Bar
A ponderous question: Why are “bars” so unlike other business establishments? And why are the people you see in “bars” so very frightening and unlike anyone you’ve seen anywhere else (save the Greyhound bus station)? In order to rub salve on these concerns, the Mercury has set out to document and classify several bar archetypes–or […]