I believe it is wrong to celebrate when people die–unless, of course, you were betting on when that person would die then it’s okay. And it’s especially okay if you win! For example, I’m placing some bets right now in something I like to call the “Who’s Gonna Croak on Buffy?” game. As you all […]
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang.
Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Misty Water-Colored Memories
I must say that I find my friends to be fairly disappointing. Every time I turn around they’re either getting married, having babies, buying houses you know, things only old people do! And even worse? When we’re hanging out together and I suggest a really good idea–like going out to bang some hookers–they’re all like, […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
You Down with K.I.T.T.?
Though it gives me great pain to use this column for something other than television criticism, I can be silent no longer! I would like to speak today about a scourge attacking our community–a scourge called “teenage street-racing“! Now, I have nothing against teenage activities: Just last weekend I attended a “teenage booze party” and […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Ode to the Dirty Cop
Okay, so I’ve explained this before, but OBVIOUSLY I need to explain it again. The “purpose” of television is twofold: (1) Television is an entertainment medium, and any attempt to make it educational is like wearing a studded condom; it sounds like a good idea, but rarely produces any significant results. And (2) the “purpose” […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Another Bloody Affair
Shiri Offers Brain-Splattering Romance
Shiri dir. Je-Gyu Opens Fri April 5 Clinton Street Theater If there’s ever been a doomed romance, it’s got to be the one between North and South Korea. With the constant struggle between the democratic faction of the South vs. the Commies of the North, it’s only logical that the most popular film of the […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Get Your Gay On!
And here’s something else that really bugs you about me: I’ve got “sexuality” issues. Am I gay? Ain’t I gay? One minute I’m drooling over the lip-smackin’ Jennifer Garner of Alias, the next I’m dry-humping the six-pack of Patrick Swayze! It’s no wonder you yelp, “For the love of FAWK, Hump! Make up yer freaking […]
Posted inMovies & TV
All For Love
The Most Romantic Gay Heist Movie Ever
Burnt Money dir. Pineyro Opens Fri March 29 Cinema 21 An interesting, yet ultimately boring component of much of today’s gay cinema is that the films gay-bash themselves over the head. Far too many are concerned with I’m-coming-out-and-nobody-understands-me plots instead of telling a good story, where the characters just happen to be gay. For a […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Mercury Video Picks
The Mechanical Bull The Mercury is in desperate need of a mechanical bull. Why? I dunno, we just want one. It’s all we can talk about, and it’s getting harder to accomplish the daily business of running a newspaper when all we can think about is mechanical bulls. Yes, we’ve looked on eBay and could […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
The Puppet Master
Puppets are fun! Don’t believe me? Well, they are! (And just so you don’t think this is going to be another bullshit I Love Television™ column where I talk about everything except television, rest assured I will eventually get around to Greg the Bunny, a new puppet sitcom on FOX.) In fact, I’d say that […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Elliott Was a Jerk
What Science Could’ve Learned from E.T.
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial dir. Spielberg Opens Fri, March 22 Various Theaters First of all, I’ve never seen E.T.–before now, that is. See, in 1982 I turned my back on commercial Hollywood fare, and vowed to watch only “art” films. However, by the time I came to my senses, there was so much overexposure surrounding Spielberg’s […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Hunting Bad Will
I am nothing if not fickle. There are moments when I can love something more than life itself–and then just as quickly HATE IT with such a burning passion I could grab it and strangle it and break it into a billion pieces before I stomp, Stomp, STOMP it into the ground!! Then it does […]
Posted inUncategorized
BATTLE OF THE DEAD PERSON FROZEN ENTREES
Uncle Ben vs. Linda McCartney Available in your grocer’s freezer Nothing spells “convenience” like a microwave dinner made by a dead person. But which one actually tastes best? Today we’ll find out, in a competition I like to call… BATTLE OF THE DEAD PERSON FROZEN ENTREES. First up: Linda McCartney Meals. While much of her […]