Uncle Ben vs. Linda McCartney Available in your grocer’s freezer Nothing spells “convenience” like a microwave dinner made by a dead person. But which one actually tastes best? Today we’ll find out, in a competition I like to call… BATTLE OF THE DEAD PERSON FROZEN ENTREES. First up: Linda McCartney Meals. While much of her […]
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang.
Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Curses!
I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a little tired of TV getting CRAPPED on! For example, what’s up with network executives who refuse to give their shows enough money to be sufficiently realistic? Take Buffy the Vampire Slayer: How can we take Buffy seriously when she’s fighting a monster that looks like it’s […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Spring Forward
Back to the Future with The Time Machine
The Time Machine dir. Wells Opens Fri March 8 Various Theaters Here’s a great question to ask someone on the first date: “Would you rather be able to turn invisible, or travel through time?” It’s great because you can immediately learn something about that person. For instance, if they’d like to turn invisible, that means […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Ozzy Without Harriet
As you probably know, I’m the last human being in the universe to give MTV a freaking break. And why should I?!? Buncha freaking JERKS is what they is! Sure, they started out all cool, playing the Duran Duran, the Men Without Hats, and the Kajagoogoo. But now they’re all, “We hate the Kajagoogoo, and […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Turn Off the Switch
Josh Hartnett Turns Minds to Mush
40 Days and 40 Nights dir. Lehmann Opens Fri March 1 Various Theaters One thing that Hollywood has in its favor is the “critical faculties” switch inside everyone’s head that automatically switches off when someone hot walks onto the screen. In the case of 40 Days and 40 Nights, the hotties in question are Josh […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Enough Audacity, Already
Dead or Alive Lets Too Much Hang Out
Dead or Alive dir. Miike Opens Fri Feb 22 Clinton Street Theater So I went to elementary school with this kid named Jimmy Fain. He was famous for eating 12 bowls of chili, sniffing a dead frog, and up-chucking the whole mess on the playground. He would also would stand perfectly still and allow any […]
Posted inMovies & TV
A Porn of Good Intent
Dracula is Hung Like a Horse
Dracula Sucks dir. Marshak Opens Fri Feb 15 Clinton Street Theater Universally recognized as the sexiest of monsters, vampires are known for their ability to send even the most chaste of virgins into an underwear-dampening frenzy. Way back in 1979, director Philip Marshak was probably ruminating on this very fact when he proclaimed, “Hey! This […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
In Moratorium
Okay, so you know about aneurysms, right? That’s what you get when someone does something so remarkably stupid that a vein in your brainpan goes KER-BLOOEY! I’ve had about 16 of them, and let me tell you, all things being equal? I’d rather be serenaded by Nelly Furtado. However! I figured out a way to […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Wake Up! Smell Coffee!
Ya know, it’s always goddam hee-larious to me how some people can live in a freaking dream world. Oh, you know who I’m talking about! Those peeps who can’t seem to wake up and smell the coffee even when it’s being poured down the front of their trousers. Take for example (once again) the GERMANS. […]
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Bonfire Lounge
Bonfire Lounge 2821 SE Stark, 232-3704 Romance is in the air this week, but what if you’re not considered to be the “romantic” type? As it turns out, everybody is romantic, so you just need to figure out what kind of “romantic” you are. Do you dress up in well-tailored clothes, and come to the […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Teen Steam
As you may have realized, I DIG ROCK ‘N’ ROLL! Yeah, daddy-o! I go wiggy for those finger-snappin’ toe-tappin’ sounds of today–just like all the other chicks and charlies I hang out with! You need examples? Oh well, groovy man! It’s my pleasure! Let’s see I like that uh that Christina Arugula singer person, and […]
Posted inMovies & TV
The Unexpected Rom-Com
Or, Why I Like Nicole So Much Better Since the Divorce
Birthday Girl dir. Butterworth Opens Fri Feb 1 Various Theaters As anyone who has seen The Wedding Planner or America’s Sweethearts can attest, the rom-com (or romantic comedy) adheres to certain rules: 1) Nebbish is unable to find love. 2) Nebbish meets Mr. or Ms. Right. 3) Problems of supposed monumental proportions keep the two […]