The Mothman Prophecies dir. Pellington Opens Jan 25 Various Theaters If you believe new-age spiritualists or born-again Christians, the entities that populate the afterlife are one of two things: glorious angels looking out for us poor schlubs here on earth, or foul-smelling demons possessing our bodies and making us say untoward things about the priest’s […]
Wm. Steven Humphrey
Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang.
Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Human Suffering: I’m All For It!
When you watch as much television as I do, you start to realize a few things. For example, you may realize that you have a very sore ass. Or, you might begin spotting what we in the sitting-on-our-ass-all-day biz call “trends.” Take, for instance, the late ’70s, when practically every show was a bra-less sitcom. […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Far-Out Space Nuts
A “Wacky” Movie that’s actually Funny
The American Astronaut dir. McAbee Opens Jan 18 Clinton Street Theater I hate wacky. Other than sarcasm, “wacky” is the lowest form of comedy. “Wacky” is like Carrot Top. “Wacky” is like Gallagher. “Wacky” is like those dumbshits on public access who perform sketch comedy. And I wanna shove my fist into every one of […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
The Buffy Trivia Challenge Extravaganza!
Let me tell you something! In these depressing times of economic downturn, it’s hard to know where one should invest one’s hard-earned money. Of course, the “one” in question certainly isn’t ME, because I know EXACTLY where I’m going to invest every penny I make, and that’s in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Think about it! […]
Posted inMovies & TV
I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghosts
War and Melodrama in The Devil’s Backbone
The Devil’s Backbone dir. Del Toro Opens Fri Jan 11 Cinema 21 It’s the last days of the Spanish Civil War, and a dilapidated orphanage sits in the middle of a desolate landscape. As battles rage miles away, young Carlos, the son of a once-prominent politician, is abandoned along with a group of malnourished boys, […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Liquor? I Don’t Even Know Her!
Hey! I’m back from my vacation! DID YOU MISS ME? I missed you, too! And while I’m sure bunches of interesting things happened to you, I’ve decided to talk about the interesting things that happened to me. For example! As you can undoubtedly guess, an “ordinary” vacation is not my style, because my personality is […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Don’t Even Go There
Ozzy Documentary (and Satan) Rulz!!
We Sold Our Souls for Rock and Rolldir. Spheeris Fri-Sat, Jan 4-5 Guild Theater There are places, as a rational human being, one should never go–and that’s why we should all thank the documentary filmmaker. They are the heroic few who travel to places we would never dare, and return with cans of film encapsulating […]
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Michael’s Italian Beef and Sausage Company
Michael’s Italian Beef and Sausage Company 1111 SE Sandy at Burnside, 230-1899 Beef, beef, I love beef! Tender, juicy, drippy, BEEF! Yes, it’s BEEF I love, and I’m not ashamed! I love BEEF stew, BEEF bourgogne, BEEFaroni…anything BEEF! But I especially love a big honkin’ slab of roasted beef, drip, drip, drippin’ in its own […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
A Humpy Carol
[Editor’s Note: Wm.™ Steven Humphrey is on vacation this week, but before leaving, he wanted us to give you this crappy old column from the dusty I Love Television™ archives. Merry Freaking Christmas.] Well, it’s become increasingly apparent during this holiday season that you can’t swing Tiny Tim’s crutch without smacking some lousy-ass version of […]
Posted inI Love Television
I Love Television
Fly into the Danger Zone!
I’m certainly sure you are familiar with the phrase “leaving well enough alone.” And I’m just as certainly sure you think “leaving well enough alone” is a good idea. Well, HORSE HOCKEY! Do you think I would have gotten this far in the business had I “left well enough alone”? Hell, NO! I am a […]
Posted inMovies & TV
Secrets Revealed
Tom Cruise’s Vanilla-Flavored Freak-Out
Vanilla Sky dir. Crowe Opens Fri Dec 14 Various If one believes in the veracity of movie posters, “Vanilla Sky is an out-there erotic thriller with mind-bending secrets no review should give away.” Okay, so let’s break that assessment down–but first, some explanation is in order. Tom Cruise plays David Aames, a hotshot 33-year-old who […]