If Rachel McAdams had teamed up with Keanu Reeves back in 2015, the world could’ve taken a completely different trajectory 🙁 Rich Polk / Getty Images Entertainment HELLO friends, enemies, and people I’m ambivalent about, and welcome to another edition of THE TRASH REPORT, where I frolic through the latest in news and gossip and […]
Gossip
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Biden in Portland, Woman in an Outhouse, and Ferris Bueller in His Sister
Nobody puts baby in a corner…unless the baby is Matthew Broderick. The LIFE Picture Collection / Getty Images Hey besties, the sun is shining and the dumpsters are full; dive in with me with this, your latest edition of… THE TRASH REPORT. Let Us Be Awkward Hypocrites Over Here Alone Please Portland was thrust into […]
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Planned Parenthood, People for Portland, and Corpses (Both Current and Ancient)
ELON MUSK: Men would literally rather spend 43 billion dollars on an app than go to therapy. Courtesy CNN Welcome, friends, to another edition of The Trash Report, where I cherry-pick the latest in news and gossip so I can write about things that you might enjoy. All you have to do is keep reading, […]
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On Ghosts and Gubernatorial Candidates
What does the fox say? Probably “GRRRRRR I CRAVE HUMAN FLESH.” JMrocek / iStock / Getty Images Plus Happy New Week, friends, and welcome to another round of gossip and garbage from yours truly. To clarify, it’s not my trash; I am merely your guide on this journey. I’m actually very careful about how much […]
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Bad Celebrities and Good Animals (Also, Scary Animals!)
“I have lived through 12 different presidential administrations.” DenisTangneyJr / GETTY IMAGES Happy Monday, and welcome to another edition of The Trash Report, where I rummage around the back alleys of the internet to turn another man’s news trash into our reading treasure. About the Oscars (But Not That Thing) It’s been one hell of […]
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YOUR SUNDAY READING LIST: Controversial Monuments, Protecting Trans Kids, and a *Chef’s Kiss* Craigslist Missed Connection!
“Yes, I hear you calling, and I’m CHOOSING to finish this Mercury article!” Ирина Мещерякова / iStock / Getty Images GOOD MORNING, SUNDAY! It’s the perfect time to catch up on some of the great reporting and stories the Mercury churned out this week! (PRO TIP: If you despise being “the last to know,” then […]
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Good Shade, Bad Vibes, and Ugly Shoes
Racist baby vs. anti-racist baby. Win McNamee/Getty Images HELLO, and welcome back to The Trash Report, where I will serve as your human raccoon to sift through the dumpsters and bring you all the best in gossip, gross-outs, nonsense, and no-thank-yous. Mmm, and she’s mighty rank this week. Let’s dig in! Ted Cruz: National Garbage […]
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YOUR SUNDAY READING LIST: The Can’t-Miss Articles You May Have Missed!
“I’ll wake up… all I need are these Mercury stories and my morning pile of cocaine.” gollykim / iStock / Getty Images Plus GOOD MORNING, SUNDAY! It’s the perfect time to catch up on some of the great reporting and stories the Mercury churned out this week! (PRO TIP: If you despise being “the last […]
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Elk Outrage, Horny Mature Whales, and GOP Baby-Nappers!
Meet Oregon’s favorite horny whale, Orange Knuckles! Larry Rains / iStock / Getty Images Hi there! I think we all had a good time with the inaugural Trash Report last week, so I’ve written another one and I hope it puts a little zig in your zag. A little cream in your coffee. A little […]
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All the Cool Kids Had COVID, Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated” B-day, and Love in the Floral Aisle of Trader Joe’s
Avril Lavigne: “You know what’s complicated? The grueling passage of time.” Anna Webber / Getty Images Happy Monday, everyone! It’s me, Elinor Jones. As we all know, this online content experience formerly known as “a newspaper” does a helluva job reporting on the news, be it local, national, global, or the entirety of space and […]
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This Too Shall Pass: Portland Pride, Glitter Guns, and Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Of Course
Hi everyone, especially those who waved at me at the Pride Parade last weekend. I hope you’re all healing nicely from the lizard-skin sunburns you got from wearing all that mesh clothing. Man, how much does the mesh clothing industry love Pride month? It’s really their time to shine. Probably their only time to shine—mesh […]
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This Too Shall Pass: Freedom Gas, Guy Fieri, and a Girl Squirrel Named “Kevin”
Hello, and happy Pride Month! Here’s a tip for celebrating in style and on a budget: travel back in time to early July of last year, hit up the clearance shelves at Target, and buy a rainbow version of every type of clothing/accessory/dishware/automotive supply on Gaia’s green earth for a total of $1.97. Travel back […]