Letters

ARNOLD ANALINGUS TO THE EDITOR: Arnold Schwarzenegger is about the most inclusive, progressive-minded politician around and how obvious could it have been that Ann Romano was going to use her dumb little daddy’s girl, J.LO-crooning mouthy to go after him like Linda Tripp on a ham-hock [“One Day at a Time,” Oct 16]. So he’s […]

WHERE ARE THE MECHANICAL BULLS? TO THE MERCURY: I’m from out of town, so where does one find a mechanical bull in Portland if the one you discovered at the Neon Spur is now gone? I am desperate to find one for a special trip on October 20-22. It seems so goofy, but someone I […]

WHERE IS THE HOLY DONUT? TO THE EDITOR: Recently my favorite donut shop told me they were reviewed by your magazine [“Donut Showdown,” Sept 25], and stated you gave them a score of 5.6–and in fact, nobody got over a 6! Now, hold on to your seats, because I’m shooting for the asshole, and if […]

KATIE ROLLS OVER THE WEAK DUDES: Lucky Sylvian is just plain stooopid [“Letters,” Sept 25, in which Mr. Sylvian dubs Katie Shimer as “Katie Shitter”]. Katie’s honor must be defended. Not only is Shimer a kick-ass writer with impeccable taste, she also brandishes the cynicism that passionate haters like me relish. If Icky Slyvian has […]

KATIE SHIMER SUCKS ASS DEAR MERCURY: The Mercury is peachy, but I have a problem I need to bitch about. Katie Shimer sucks ass. We call her “Katie Shitter.” Her writing is so offensive I have to check each article before reading; it’s like walking through a minefield. I don’t want to find out halfway […]

DRUNK PEOPLE ARE FUNNY TO THE EDITOR, VIA VOICE MAIL: “Hello, Wm. Steven Humphrey, you dumbass! [“I Love Television,” Sept 11, in which Humpy wants to appear on Pepsi’s Play for a Billion.] If you want to be a billionaire, stupid person you, didn’t you look at the odds of winning the Super Bowl prior […]

MURDER ISN’T FUNNY! TO THE EDITOR: Since when is it funny to kill a prostitute? [I, Anonymous, “Hooker with a Heart of Cold,” Sept 4]. When is it funny to kill anyone? The Mercury seems to be opposed to the Bush administration going into Iraq and killing innocent people. Yet, somehow killing a woman here […]

CHILEAN BISEXUALS LOVE JULIANNE! HOLA JULIANNE: Yo soy muy admiradora de ustedes y me gustaria tener sus videos y fotos y saber mucho mas de ustedes. [Music, “Hot Underage Lesbionic Russians,Ó Julianne Shepherd, in which Julianne expounds on the teen lesbian pop group t.A.T.u. This writer apparently thinks Julianne is a member of the group.] […]

CARMELO, THE DOUCHE BUCKET TO THE EDITOR: Fire Carmelo Martinez! He/she is a shitty journalist and her/his reviews suck!!! His/her viewpoints on the band Yellowcard were dense [“Up & Coming,” Aug 14]. Carmelo is not a douche bag, he/she is a douche bucket! Nick Moore TELL SMOKERS WHERE TO GO! TO THE EDITOR: A ban […]

CRICKET: NOT FOR SISSIES TO THE MERCURY: In your column “Destination: Fun” [“Vintage Baseball,” Aug 14], you ask “Ever seen someone try to catch a screaming line drive hardball barehanded? Probably not” Actually, I, and millions upon millions of people in the rest of the non-U.S. world (thanks to British colonialism), have not only seen […]

NOT FASCISTS… MARXISTS! DEAR EDITOR: Though BWO is partially incorrect (when could your leftist views ever be called “fascist”??) at least he is correct about terrorism [“Letters,” August 7, in which BWO accuses the Mercury of being limp-wristed Commie liberals]. The Clintonistas wouldn’t have been willing to do anything about 9/11 (except go to the […]

IT’S PUSSIES LIKE YOU WHO RUIN AMERICA! TO THE MERCURY: You SUPER Left Liberals are so into your Fascist and Socialist views it’s sickening. You’re enemies of your own Country. You sit in your ivory towers and hide behind the flag that was handed down to you by people paying in sweat, blood, and tears. […]