Be on the lookout for criminals trying to fleece you with the following scams! THE “ACTUALLY, THAT’S MY $10” SCAM A stranger (actually a scam artist) approaches you on the street, and asks to look inside your wallet. You agree, and he points to a $10 bill, saying, “Oh… actually that’s my $10,” and pockets […]
New Column!
Posted inImbecile Parade
Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade
Should the Mercury Have a Conservative Columnist?
This week’s question: Should the Mercury have a conservative columnist? If the Mercury truly cared about diversity, it would represent all viewpoints—not just those of its tumblrina SJW editors! Oh, I’m SORRY, snowflakes! Did I TRIGGER YOU??—Bryce Dylan, Happy Valley No, you zit-fucked piss stain, you didn’t “trigger” me—but you did inspire me to cruise […]
Posted inComedy
New Biweekly Mercury Slogans That Were Quickly Rejected
• Half as Often, Twice as Annoying • Finally! A Newspaper That Matches Your Reading Speed • Keeping Up with the Blistering Pace of the Modern Media News Cycle by Coming Out Once Every 14 Days • Now with Half as Many Mistakes • The Slow, Lurching Death of Print Media—Now Cruelly and Unnecessarily Extended […]
Posted inComedy
Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade!
This Week’s Question: What Do You Think of Portland’s New E-Scooters?
This Week’s Question: What Do You Think of Portland’s New E-Scooters? I do not like them! They look dangerous, and I already have trouble seeing bicyclists when I drive. —Anne Helman, NE Portland Shut the fuck up, Crypt Keeper! Here’s what “looks dangerous”: YOU BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A TWO-TON CAR! I’m less worried about […]
Posted inEvents
Don’t Miss the Undisputable Fun of the Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy!
HURRAH! GET YOUR TICKETS NOW FOR THE UNDISPUTABLE GENIUSES OF COMEDY 2018! It’s back! The biggest night of Portland comedy is returning to Revolution Hall on Saturday, September 8! It’s the Portland Mercury’s Undisputable Geniuses of Comedy 2018, featuring Portland’s funniest people (and hilarious up-and-comers) all on one stage. Stand-up comedians, sketch comedy, and crazy […]
Posted inComedy
Move Over, E-Scooters! HOPSTER™ E-POGO STICKS Are Coming to Portland!
Fuck Your E-Scooter!
Fuck your e-scooter!
Posted inComedy
Introducing… SCROOT™!
Portland’s Newest E-Scooter Company for Bros Who Say “Scroo” the “Roolz”!
Sure, there are three new e-scooter companies in Portland—Bird, Skip, and Lime—but they’ve all got one big problem: TOO MANY RULES! They insist that their e-scooter riders wear helmets (WHAAAAT?), stay off the sidewalks (YOU ARE KIDDING ME), and park their scooters responsibly (HAHAHAHAAAAAA… RIGHT). Well, Portland’s newest e-scooter company, SCROOT™, says “scroo” the “roolz,” […]
Posted inEvents
Don’t Miss America’s Funniest Night of Comedy… THE I, ANONYMOUS SHOW!
America—and especially Portland—loves the Mercury’s weekly I, Anonymous column and blog, in which anonymous people (just like YOU) spill their guts and reveal their most private thoughts, gripes, and confessions. And now we’ve made this column even better by turning it into a live comedy show! It’s the monthly I, Anonymous Show hosted by “Portland’s […]
Posted inComedy
Ask Your Next Door Neighbor, Hank Henderson
Dear Next-Door Neighbor Hank Henderson: I noticed you glaring at me on several occasions as I passed your house. Care to explain?—Your next-door neighbor, Donna Tate You’re goddamn right I was glaring, “Donna”—if that’s even your real name! Every day at exactly 8:27 am and 6:42 pm, your precious Pomeranian pisses and/or shits all over […]
Posted inSex
Submit Your Dirty Film to HUMP! (Where the Grand Prize is… $10,000!?!)
CALLING ALL SEXY PEOPLE! (Especially amateur filmmakers, actual filmmakers, sex-positive singles/couples/throuples/quads, wannabe porn stars, kinksters, and other creative types!) You are hereby invited to submit your short porn films—five minutes max—for the HUMP! 2018 film festival! Your mini-movie can be hardcore, softcore, live action, stop action, animated, musical, kinky, vanilla, straight, gay, lez, bi, trans, and […]
Posted inComedy
Ask an ICE Agent!
Everything You Wanted to Know About ICE (But Were Afraid to Ask)
Everything you wanted to know about ICE (but were afraid to ask).
Posted inEvents
Don’t Miss the July Edition of the I, Anonymous Show!
Query: DO YOU LOVE TO LAUGH? Then you’re the perfect candidate for Portland’s funniest monthly comedy extravaganza: the I, Anonymous Show! As you know, the Mercury’s I, Anonymous column and blog feature insane rants, weird and sexy secrets, and shameful confessions. And they’re all written anonymously… by people like YOU! But now we’ve made a fun thing […]