1222 NE 102nd, 252-3353 You can tell a lot about a person about how he shops for groceries. A yuppie friend of mine, for example, only buys cereal, Diet Coke, and exotic cheese. Even for this paltry pantry, she just must shop at Nature’s, paying so much for a single banana you’d think a Sherpa […]
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SELF HELL
Analysis for People on the Go
Am I an Artist? Many of us, at some point, are forced to consider the possibility that we may be artists. This is not an easy time. Often we are left alone to page through slender self-help pamphlets and contemplate a life of poverty. In an effort to supplement these pamphlets, we have prepared the […]
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ELENI’S
7712 SE 13th Ave, 230-2165 It saddens me to write this review. My undiscovered secret will soon be considered one of Portland’s finest restaurants, marked by lines out the door and lots of write-ups in those dumb “Best of Portland” tourist guides. But as a public service announcement to people who appreciate good food everywhere, […]
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El Palenque
EL PALENQUE 8324 SE 17th, 231-5140 One of the pros of being a vegetarian is that you never have to deliberate over what to order in restaurants. You just scan the menu until you find the one vegetarian dish–usually in Portland it involves roasted red peppers or sundried tomatoes, a shitload of lentils, every other […]
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ANDREW SMASH
ANDREW SMASH 838 NW 23rd Ave, #B The lunch food at my elementary school was typically one step above pig slop, with barely stomachable chili and mystery dishes like Mexican goulash. Particularly disgusting was the hamburger and fries plate. For years, I have wondered whether the hamburger was actually made of any real meat. Now, […]
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Zell’s
ZEll’s Cafe
1300 SE Morrison Street, 239-0196 I’ve had a turbulent relationship with eggs Benedict. At first, I was skeptical of a dish made of poached eggs topped with more eggs. Of course I got over it, because like most things full of fat, it sounds gross but tastes delicious. But only when done right. Way too […]
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Eliot e-mat cafe Standard
Standard Dairy, 2808 NE MLK The first sandwich was invented by a Neanderthal cave-ogre, who placed a kicking dingo between two fermenting sheep and champed down. The Earl of Sandwich story is bullshit, but in the modern world, the common corporate sandwich scenario consists of two thin slices of Wonder-style bread filled with .04 ounces […]
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Brightman Family Eggnog
Attention, eggnog haters! You have to try Brightman Family Eggnog to believe it. Not only does this recipe put the “art” in “party,” but the Brightman family knows how to rage. Seriously, this shit gets you high! Oh, and if you’re concerned about your weight, simply refrain from eating for three days before and after […]
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Party Platters
Trader Joe’s, 4705 SE 39th So your S.O. arranged a little holiday gathering and told you one hour before–and said something like, “I’ll be working late, so could you maybe pick up some snacks for about 15 people?” Don’t kill your S.O.! Aside from the fact that you’ll probably regret it shortly after, it’s also […]
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JOE’S DONUT SHOP
39230 Pioneer Blvd, Sandy 668-7215 We Portlanders should never take life for granted. We’re home of the world’s biggest and most progressive book store; the breathtaking Columbia Gorge is a mere hour away; and we live within 50 miles of the world’s best donut shop, Joe’s Donuts. Joe’s secret is simple: They bake everything in […]
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Uwajimaya
10500 Beaverton-Hillsdale Hwy, 503-643-4512 Do not be fooled by Uwajimaya. Though it masquerades as an “Asian Food Market,” its real identity is “Magical Wonderland” if you crave the visually titillating, painfully sweet world of Japanese junk food. Worse for your health and more fun than American snacks, you can purchase it cheaply at this sprawling […]
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Last Supper
Crowensberg’s Half & Half
923 SW Oak Street There’s a lot to love about Half & Half, the spanking new downtown cafè which serves an eclectic mix of sandwiches and sundries, located next to Reading Frenzy. Just like the rest of the establishments on that block, it’s small and intimate like a proper neighborhood cafè should be, and has […]