1011 NW 16th, 226-1258 Often, copycats are pale replicas, like a faded memory of the original. Remarkably, though, Le Happy, a four-month-old crêpe cafe in the less-traveled blocks of Northwest Portland, is better than the restaurants that inspired it. After several trips to San Francisco, John Brodie–the manager for Pink Martini–was so taken by the […]
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SELF-HELL
Analysis for People on the Go
Am I Omniscient? Many people sometimes wonder if they are omniscient. While this sort of self-examination was, for many years, thought to be a symptom of sociopathic tendencies, modern science has determined it to be merely a harmless manifestation of our go-go megalomaniac culture. Want to claim the omniscient moniker? Just complete this simple “True-False” […]
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Pambiche
2811 NE Glisan, 233-0511 Pambiche is an unimposing and brightly painted Cuban restaurant, where it’s likely you will wait for a table, even on weeknights. But if you want to order a Cuban beer while you wait, then you’re mierda out of luck. At Pambiche, there are no Cuban beers, calling to mind the U.S.’s […]
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XV
XV Does Plenty of Things Right
15 SW 2nd Ave, 790-9090 Nestled between Burnside and the Shanghai Tunnel on SW 2nd Ave is XV, a brand new, proud (but not pretentious) bar that inspires intimacy with one or many. It’s the kind of place where you can learn something new about your best friend. It’s lovely, not because it’s perfect, but […]
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VITA CAFE
3024 NE Alberta, 335-8233 I almost feel guilty when I eat at the Vita. Their meals are so rich and delicious, flavorful and comforting, that surely by consuming them I am committing an extravagant crime against my digestive tract. But their ingredients are totally wholesome and organic–they just know how to make them right. The […]
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WINCO
1222 NE 102nd, 252-3353 You can tell a lot about a person about how he shops for groceries. A yuppie friend of mine, for example, only buys cereal, Diet Coke, and exotic cheese. Even for this paltry pantry, she just must shop at Nature’s, paying so much for a single banana you’d think a Sherpa […]
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SELF HELL
Analysis for People on the Go
Am I an Artist? Many of us, at some point, are forced to consider the possibility that we may be artists. This is not an easy time. Often we are left alone to page through slender self-help pamphlets and contemplate a life of poverty. In an effort to supplement these pamphlets, we have prepared the […]
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ELENI’S
7712 SE 13th Ave, 230-2165 It saddens me to write this review. My undiscovered secret will soon be considered one of Portland’s finest restaurants, marked by lines out the door and lots of write-ups in those dumb “Best of Portland” tourist guides. But as a public service announcement to people who appreciate good food everywhere, […]
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El Palenque
EL PALENQUE 8324 SE 17th, 231-5140 One of the pros of being a vegetarian is that you never have to deliberate over what to order in restaurants. You just scan the menu until you find the one vegetarian dish–usually in Portland it involves roasted red peppers or sundried tomatoes, a shitload of lentils, every other […]
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ANDREW SMASH
ANDREW SMASH 838 NW 23rd Ave, #B The lunch food at my elementary school was typically one step above pig slop, with barely stomachable chili and mystery dishes like Mexican goulash. Particularly disgusting was the hamburger and fries plate. For years, I have wondered whether the hamburger was actually made of any real meat. Now, […]
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Zell’s
ZEll’s Cafe
1300 SE Morrison Street, 239-0196 I’ve had a turbulent relationship with eggs Benedict. At first, I was skeptical of a dish made of poached eggs topped with more eggs. Of course I got over it, because like most things full of fat, it sounds gross but tastes delicious. But only when done right. Way too […]
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Eliot e-mat cafe Standard
Standard Dairy, 2808 NE MLK The first sandwich was invented by a Neanderthal cave-ogre, who placed a kicking dingo between two fermenting sheep and champed down. The Earl of Sandwich story is bullshit, but in the modern world, the common corporate sandwich scenario consists of two thin slices of Wonder-style bread filled with .04 ounces […]