Recently, it has come to our attention that many people across the United States believe themselves to be in love with Benicio Del Toro. But before you leave your spouse and children, don’t you think you should be sure? Working around the clock with a team of crack Benicio Del Toro experts, we have put […]
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Ole! Ole!
Ole! Ole! 2137 E Burnside, 230-1132 Dear Luis and Magdalena, Where do I start? Let me begin by saying thank you for bringing Ole! Ole! into my life. Are you psychic? Did you know how desperately the poor orphans to the north and south of East Burnside needed a taqueria? We weren’t asking for anything […]
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SWEET BASIL
3135 NE Broadway, 281-8337 When I walked into Sweet Basil, the new Thai restaurant on Broadway, I opened the door into a woman and practically took off her right foot. She gathered her balance pretty well after that, but shot me one extremely nasty look. I smiled sheepishly. After fighting my way through a crowd […]
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SELF-HELL
Analysis for People on the Go
Am I Fulfilling My Potential? Every month, here at the Self-Hell Institute in Helsinki, we receive thousands of letters from individuals just like you who are worried they may not be fulfilling their potential. This is a delicate question, and not one to be taken lightly. Many of the symptoms that may indicate a lack […]
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PHO VAN
PHÓ VÁN 1919 SE 82nd Ave, 788-5244 82nd Avenue is not a destination for fine dining–used car lots, strip clubs, and endless chain restaurants evoke the melancholic detachment of watching a Huey Lewis video at your uncle’s funeral. But amidst the chaos and monotony exists a restaurant that serves as a haven for the hungry […]
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BREAKFAST AT BILLY REED’S
2808 NE MLK Blvd, 473-8127 It’s always a gamble to eat a lot of grease with an extreme hangover. It will either help tremendously, or, in unfortunate circumstances, make it much, much worse. But have you ever experienced the third option? You’re feeling well on your way to recovery, but you end up waiting in […]
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RICE JUNKIES
RICE JUNKIES
620 SW 9th Ave, 274-2154 Slacker joints can have a certain funky or arrogant charm, but ultimately they have to actually provide food and services to their constituents or even the ethereal or displaced will give up on it. Rice Junkies fails in this respect. Its menu advertises “quick service” in a “unique atmosphere.” Both […]
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LE HAPPY
1011 NW 16th, 226-1258 Often, copycats are pale replicas, like a faded memory of the original. Remarkably, though, Le Happy, a four-month-old crêpe cafe in the less-traveled blocks of Northwest Portland, is better than the restaurants that inspired it. After several trips to San Francisco, John Brodie–the manager for Pink Martini–was so taken by the […]
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SELF-HELL
Analysis for People on the Go
Am I Omniscient? Many people sometimes wonder if they are omniscient. While this sort of self-examination was, for many years, thought to be a symptom of sociopathic tendencies, modern science has determined it to be merely a harmless manifestation of our go-go megalomaniac culture. Want to claim the omniscient moniker? Just complete this simple “True-False” […]
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Pambiche
2811 NE Glisan, 233-0511 Pambiche is an unimposing and brightly painted Cuban restaurant, where it’s likely you will wait for a table, even on weeknights. But if you want to order a Cuban beer while you wait, then you’re mierda out of luck. At Pambiche, there are no Cuban beers, calling to mind the U.S.’s […]
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XV
XV Does Plenty of Things Right
15 SW 2nd Ave, 790-9090 Nestled between Burnside and the Shanghai Tunnel on SW 2nd Ave is XV, a brand new, proud (but not pretentious) bar that inspires intimacy with one or many. It’s the kind of place where you can learn something new about your best friend. It’s lovely, not because it’s perfect, but […]
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VITA CAFE
3024 NE Alberta, 335-8233 I almost feel guilty when I eat at the Vita. Their meals are so rich and delicious, flavorful and comforting, that surely by consuming them I am committing an extravagant crime against my digestive tract. But their ingredients are totally wholesome and organic–they just know how to make them right. The […]