Ryan Alexander-Tanner

Hulk admit it: Hulk pretty frustrated right now! Why? Puny humans’ negative reaction to Hulk’s election endorsements last week! Hulk thought electing political newcomers like super cute Emma Stone, Daniel Craig, and celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay would be shakeup stodgy Portland establishment need. But apparently Hulk’s out-of-box thinking not appreciated! Apparently puny humans want same, boring, non-celebrity humans that no one ever heard of! BAH! Puny humans make Hulk sick. And sad! Sad for DEMOCRACY.

But fine! Puny humans want new endorsements, puny humans get new endorsements. Hope puny humans choke on them! (Not serious, but puny humans did hurt Hulk feelings.)

Portland City Council, Position 3


Vote puny Jeff Malone! Who Jeff Malone, puny human ask? Him work at Dairy Queen down street from Hulk house, and him in 10th grade at Cleveland High School. Hulk not have much more information—other than him a NOBODY (just like puny humans want) and works “position 3”—third person in charge—at DQ on Tuesday afternoons. Oh, is that too much experience for picky puny Portland humans? Oh! Hulk SOOO sorry! (Hulk being sarcastic, if puny human don’t know.)

Portland City Council, Position 2


Are puny humans sure puny humans don’t want Emma Stone? Her really am super cute, and... BAH! FINE! Vote stupid Angela Baker. She am ugly and Hulk’s dental hygienist.

Multnomah County Commissioner, District 2


Vote DJ Dog Dick! No, Hulk not being sarcastic... DJ Dog Dick am him real name! Him DJ at Hulk’s step-cousin’s bat mitzvah, and spin rockin’ EDM tunes all night. DJ Dog Dick am super cool dude! Him wear sunglasses inside, sideways Red Bull cap, and him vape. And him not dumb young person, either. Him like 42 years old. Hulk think DJ Dog Dick am bomb diggy-diggy! Vote DJ Dog Dick.

Oregon State Governor


Can Hulk make one more plea to elect Emma Stone? Again, super cute! And Emma Stone make it very clear her not date Hulk unless her get elected to office. NO?? BAH! FINE! Then vote DJ Dog Dick. Him got air horn!