So you’ve sexually harassed someone… and this time you didn’t get away with it. Now comes the arduous task of writing a public apology that, while pretending to accept partial responsibility, doesn’t actually make an apology at all—but gives the impression you (maybe kinda) did! To help, here’s a one-size-fits-every-harasser boilerplate apology statement from our experts at Mandate Image Rehab… where all you have to do is fill in the blanks! You’re welcome, men!
To the people I’ve hurt, I truly want to express my [regret/sorrow/personal discomfort/confusion] about the pain I [allegedly/am told I/definitely] caused when I [groped/grabbed/tickled/assaulted/verbally abused/made lewd remarks about/installed a secret button in my office to trap] the women I have [worked with/collaborated with/stalked on the street randomly/called menacingly at home demanding nudes].
In fairness to myself, I did not realize that [walking around the office in my open bathrobe/asking interns about their sex lives/requesting that young employees massage my shoulders/whipping out my dick for no reason] would be so upsetting to some, nor that it wasn’t just a fun joke for all.