[Wow. The Mercury wrote A LOT of stuff in 2018, and here’s a special guest column that we think is worth remembering from May 16, 2018.—eds]
Hulk have question: AM PUNY PORTLANDERS GONE STUPID? Hulk under impression puny humans know how newspapers work! But apparently Hulk have to remind puny dummies: Newspapers—in particular Hulk column—tell puny humans how to vote (them called “endorsements”) AND THEN PUNY HUMANS VOTE FOR WHO HULK SAY! Because if puny humans vote opposite of what Hulk say, there not much point of Hulk making endorsements, am there?!?
On primary day Hulk very excited—until results roll in! That when it become very clear puny humans not support any of Hulk candidates—like, at all! Where am votes for puny city council candidate Jeff Malone, who work at Dairy Queen down street from Hulk house? HIM NOT EVEN SHOW UP ON RESULTS! Where am votes for Hulk favorite EDM DJ and party rocker, DJ Dog Dick? Him coolest candidate in race! (Need Hulk remind puny human that him vape?) Apparently fickle puny Portlanders too good for Dog Dick!