Credit: Illustration by Ryan Alexander-Tanner

PORTLAND, OREGON is a unique and wonderful collection of human beings. It really is. I know we probably blow that trumpet too much and get swept up creating a self-serving mythology, which has the dual purpose of celebrating the city we love and justifying our own self-indulgent, childlike qualities as the very attributes that make our city great (WHAT A SENTENCE!). But it really is a special place.

Portland is a city where the question “So what do you do?” can be answered with a response that isn’t about what you do for a living, but rather what you do to fulfill yourself, and MOST people won’t go, “Psh, okay.” That experience is rare and exhilarating, cousins. It ain’t coming from the concrete, it isn’t a symptom of our geographic placement betwixt two rivers—it’s the people. Portland the city is a bunch of roads and a couple of RadioShacks, just like every other city. But the Portland people are attracted to is a feeling and an energy (I know what I just said, fuck off), the Portland that people are attracted to is a vibe (shut up)… so why are Portlanders so upset when people move to Portland to be a part of that vibe? Why are we tolerant of everything except people who love Portland so much that they want to move here?

Look, if your version of a good time involves getting together in a bar with a bunch of other Portland natives and congratulating one another for having parents who fucked NOT ALL THAT FAR from that very bar, then I apologize. Continue to be protective and boring. I’m guessing, though, that most of us don’t get our kicks like that. I’m guessing that if you Zack Morris’d your favorite moments from this summer, and catalogued the points of origin of all the participants involved, you’d find a bunch of people who had no idea who Ramblin’ Rod was until his name was screamed at them by someone who hated California for some reason. The city you love, the Portland you mythologize, is imported. Quit pretending that actually makes you upset.

Jobs are scarce, I understand that. The girl at the coffee shop is from Dallas, the entertainment editor at Willamette Week is from Cleveland or something. Fine. There are plenty of other coffee shops, and you’re too good a person to be the entertainment editor at Willamette Week. If you’re from Portland, and your entire existence here is hinging on a job at a coffee shop that someone from Dallas ended up getting, you’re fucking up anyway. Try harder. You must have pioneer blood in you, based on how much you talk about being so hella from here—so use that blood, customer. Until then, be proud you helped make a city, that you were a part of the creation and sustained existence of a time and a place so alluring and positive that it pulled people out of their rooted ground and brought them here.

Some people were born Portlanders in Mississippi. Some people were born Portlanders in Pakistan. It’s lazy to hate them for coming home. Just don’t tell them about that one breakfast place… the line is already ridiculous.

39 replies on “Everything as Fuck”

  5. THIS, ALL DAY. Seriously, every place I’ve lived has had residents (both ones born there and those that moved there 10 years ago) that complained about the people that moved in after them. It’s a really lame conversation to listen to.

  6. While it is adorable to think that everyone moves here because of high ideals and a genuine affinity for Portland, it’s vain to pretend that this city isn’t some hyperexploited, trendy as fuck, hip destination for many, many people who come here for no other reason than everyone else is doing it.

  9. Thank you for this. When i moved here it was like coming home for the first time. New York City is truly representative of the dream of America. people still flock there to be a part of it. And because of that dream, that diversity, that desire to be a part of a community you choose some of the most amazing things come from There. Portland is no different, except for the attitude is stuck where New York was at the turn of the century. Immigrants go home! people don’t really change do they? 😉 now, true to form someone will disassemble this comment to make a sarcastic point, instead of taking a heartfelt statement and mulling it over. But i still love Portland, and the people of Portland. 🙂 Snark away, I heart you.

  10. Right? I wish our economy, water, and activities were so bad nobody wanted to live here. Including me. Shut up, whiners. And you’re welcome. I’m glad I moved here, too.

  13. Nice Ramblin’ Rod name drop. I feel you should’ve gone a little deeper though. Jim Spagg, perhaps? X-Ray Cafe? Or maybe even a little Church of Elvis? Good times.

  16. I do get bitter about people who don’t live in Portland taking (or holding onto) the “local columnist” jobs here, though.

    More like Preachy As Fuck.

  18. My husband and I are from Portland originally and the only thing we’re not cool with is that we now likely will not be able to purchase a house in our hometown. Many of my other renter friends are having to move to different cities one by one because their landlords are driving their prices up to match the income of all the East Coasters and Californians landing here in droves (only lately in droves, I understand they’ve been steadily trickling in since the 1980’s). The Portlandia series has made our beautiful city a huge joke of a trend and after a lifetime of never sporting a bumper sticker of any kind on my vehicle I’m seriously tempted to mount one that says “Keep Portland Normal”.

  22. Everyone is welcome in Portland and the entire state. We welcome diversity… Unless you’re from California. If that’s the case lack your shit and get the hell out and tell your friends and relatives not to come here. Californians are not wanted nor are they welcome here and its been that way since 1965. What about that don’t you fools understand?

  23. I’m from here and you’re all welcome to come here too! It’s true! I’m going to complain about housing prices sometimes, but I really like y’all joining the party. Let’s keep creating a dense fun city with lots of great food and movie theaters and comedy and traffic that gets bad enough that we all shift to walking/biking/riding the bus and parties in the parks and goofy ideas and lovely murals and all the great ideas that everyone brings with them. And we’ll keep working on affordable housing and tolerance and training our police force to do well by all our citizens and the many things we need to improve. Go team everyone! (man, I’m optimistic today)

  24. Haters gonna hate.
    Townies gonna hate.
    Out of towners gonna come and buy the drugs the townies sell in the back of the karaoke bar.
    Thanks for the business; glad to see that unemployment money you all collect from the State of Oregon go back to my pocket where it was taxed from in the first place.
    Thats called synergy.

  25. If you can’t afford to rent a nice place in Portland, shoot yourself right now. Yes, it might be 6 stops on the max to Foster Rd or Barnes Rd but that’s what, 20 minutes? Not everyone gets a bungalow for moving to Portland…. there is no gifts to be had except my native hand upside your lame corn bred head.

  26. Oh yeah, you gotta problem with Californians and Texans? Is it ’cause their women are way better looking than your butt-ugly, mannish face? Keep Portland Homely!

  27. Y’all, California is not a Portland. It’s not a li’l niche of meaning and identity. It is a vast and bogglingly diverse place the size of a nation, with a population to match (about the size of England’s). If your wonderfully livable city inspires people to live in it, then mathematically and geographically, the likelihood is that at least some of them will come from a nearby, heavily populated area which takes up almost all of the West Coast of America. Hm. Uzbekistan? Or gee, I don’t know, maybe California. People of the world are fucking each other a lot, making new people at a lot faster rate than they are making cool, creative, beautiful cities to live in. The housing market is up, partly due to changes in interest rates; it’s up all over the country. If it’s not up, that’s a sign you might live in a shithole, which we mostly agree Portland isn’t. The job market is growing much slower than the housing market, again, all over the country. Housing is not more expensive recently because rich Orange County airheads stole your Portland. These are called market changes. Everybody has them. And nobody in California is from there either, so really, guys, cut it out. I came here 20 years ago, and even then, when just about anyone with a checking account could own a 1926 Craftsman bungalow, everybody was slinging this same dumb shit about how Portland has been utterly ruined by all these evil Californians. It’s kind of endearing, in a way, but you’re a real live big city now, and it’s time to eat at the grownup table.

  28. California is so culturally similar to Oregon, and L.A. and the Bay are so culturally similar to Portland, that it makes me wonder how ignorant people have to be to complain about Californians moving here. They are, for all practical purposes, exactly like us. Get out and see the world. Then decide if you really have something to complaint about. The real problem is those fucking people from Ohio.

  29. It’s not the Portland loving, bike riding, making art out of Popsicle sticks kind of people moving here that bothers everyone. It’s the mass wave of consumers that are coming here. The same people who took over Colorado, Utah, Nevada, Arizona, ect… now they are here standing in line, raising prices. Which in turn is killing local staples left and right while replacing them with cheesy over priced corporate projects aimed at these consumer drones.

  31. I was born here and stayed here for a reason. Low cost of living, no traffic, small city feel, little pockets of cultural diversity. All of that is gone now. It is from people moving here, and no one moving out. Over population CAN kill a place.

  32. @Tyler Hurst

    I do live in LA, I’ve lived there for a year for work. I’m still from Portland. I’m here all the time. I’m aware of what the fuck is happening here. Come up with a better criticism, dick-hole.

  34. This is the same in every single city I have ever been to. It’s gotten so that I think it’s a fundamental part of BEING human…looking down on other people in a petty & prideful way. In the library, the gym, the bus, the airplane, the grocery, the concert, the jail house, the art house, the bar, the garage, the traffic line, the orgy, the vet, the park, the pool, the sex shop, the etc etc etc. If they weren’t puffing themselves up about living here longer, they’d be looking down on you because you weren’t as well traveled.

    Get it?

  37. Hey it’s a tough crowd out there tonight try the prime rib and don’t forget to tip your waitress…

    …or we’ll read all about you on I,anonymous next week.

  38. You are missing the point, dude. We don’t want a city of magical vibes and feelings (I’m sure there’s already plenty in California). We don’t want to mythologize or “Zack Morris” anything, whatever unholy hell thing that means. We’re tired of all the Portland-destiny hype, and we are tired of all the damn snarky ironic-facial-hair sporting self-indulgent column-writing existential coolness. We all know you moved here because San Francisco was already full.

    We had a fucking culture, it was a nice one, thankyouverymuch, and now it is buried under magic beans and smug references to Ramblin Rod.

    And now we’re supposed to be thanking you for it?? You narcissistic immigrant aholes and your “Cool Man’s Burden”. Grow your childlike destiny vibes garden in your own damn hometown. Stfu, piss off and take your tiny dogs with you.

  39. It’s true, Karmel is up here like all the time. It’s like that guy who hangs around near the high school after dropping out, until it gets all creepy and sad. But in a not quite as creepy and sad way.

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