Oscar Fashion

What… the… crap. Last night’s Oscar awards were fun and all, but as one of the few events on the world calendar where couture is de rigueur, the red carpet fashion was kind of a bummer, with mostly (recession inspired?) safe choices in basic colors. The color trends were overwhelmingly white and red, some of the best looks were belted, and some of the worst ideas involved fish tails. The best of the safe ones was unquestionably Anne Hathaway, whose classic Armani Prive gown was shamelessly luxe, although Hathaway could have looked a smidge more comfortable wearing it:

Safe as houses.

Best of the belted:

I know, right? Miley Cyrus and SJP? Life is full of surprises. Cyrus’ dress has been met with divided opinion, but this is my favorite use of a fish motif, and I am crazy for the belt. Parker’s I like less—it’s a bit too matrimonial, but the pickin’s were on the slim side this year.

My controversial pick:

Jessica Biel‘s dress is unremarkable at first glance, and she’s taking hits from the pundits for the unusual construction up front. But it’s actually growing on me the more I look at it. It’s clean and fresh, like an artfully folded kerchief, and there’s a Japanese vibe that I’m feeling. Plus, she looks comfortable and natural, unlike most of her red carpet peers.

And then there were all the fish.

It’s not that this shape is offensive, but it’s somewhat less than flattering, although I will take Beyonce’s dress here way before I would get behind that horrible red thing she wore for her performance. Why does she always insist on dressing like a figure skater?

Offensively boring:

This is one of those dresses that tries to trick you into thinking it has ideas but is really just sloppily and conventionally contrived. It just looks cheap to me.

Bitch, please. This conjures Pollyanna, cotillions, stuffy society debuts and Gone With the Wind in one terribly blunt swoop. I’ve seen butter knives with more edge.

And the *winner* this year for worst dress goes to: Kate Winslet:

This only hurts so badly because the potential is so obvious. Love the colors. Hate the asymmetry. But the really bad thing about this is that it makes Kate look older than she is. It’s too solemn, bordering on repressed. Better luck next year.