Not to brag, but I could come up with hundreds—nay, thousands—of reasons to be afraid during this wretched season. But since we’re “low on space” and “need to save room for the ice cream reviews,” I’ve whittled the list down to a cool 10.
1. The sun
The sun distracts humans with pretty flowers while it literally BURNS our flesh, resulting in weird moles and potentially life-threatening illnesses. Sure, it’s the most important source of energy for life on Earth, but without the ozone, ultraviolet radiation from that jerk star would instantaneously wipe out every living thing on this planet. The sun would kill us if it could, and one day, it probably will!
2. Wildfire engulfing everything you have ever known and loved
Did you know that last summer, more than 901,000 acres were burned in Oregon forest fires? You do now! Better dust off the ol’ smoke mask (or buy one before they sell out), lest your lungs fill with toxic particulate matter!