People Who Care About “Tweet” Being the Verb Form of “Twitter” and Have Opinions About its Usage

This includes people who think you should say “tweet” when you talk
about the activity associated with Twitter and people who think you
should just use the word “Twitter.” Both opinions are equally
unnecessary. If you must use the Twitter, or not use the Twitter, just
do (or don’t) do it. Let’s not bring grammar and logic and giving a
shit into this.

People Who Choose to Correct You About the Definition of “Hobo”

Am I making this up? I feel like every time someone uses the word
“hobo” to mean “homeless person,” somebody else has to climb waaay up
on their high horse and don their semantics cap and start getting
highfalutin all over town about how “a hobo is someone who rides the
rails in the Great Depression, and is it 1934 right now? I don’t think
so! And I can’t believe you don’t even know what words mean. How
embarrassing. Have you heard of Wikipedia? Hhhhhhhhhhhhh.” Maybe I’m
making all of this up, but if I’m not, I’d just like to say that I’m
aware of what year it is, these people are annoying, and I am going to
continue using the word “hobo” however I please (within bum proximity,
of course), thank you very much, and the way in which I please to use
it is, “No thank you, hobo, I do not wish to go on a date with you.”
Also I will accept “transient.”

People Who Are Mean to Hobos

Lay off, man. Being homeless is terrible. Give the dude a dollar.
(I’m still not going on a date with you, hobo.)

People Who Still Have Jobs

As bad as things are right now, this is still most people. Like, 93
percent of people. People with jobs are great, except for the few who
talk shit to people without jobs (things like, “Hey, get a job!” or
“Where’s your job?”). In such instances, these people need to be
reminded that they, too, possess jobs vulnerable to layoffs and should
probably shut the fuck up.

People Who Are Quietly Less Than $100 Away from Complete
Destitution

You have to hope it’s going to be okay. This recession can’t go on
forever.

People Who Secretly Have Vast Family Fortunes/Trust Funds to Keep
Them from Ever Knowing Complete Destitution, or Even Mild Hardship

Just do something interesting with it. You already won. Don’t be a
douche.

People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns

These people (and they are numerous) are attempting to cultivate a
quirk, but they are really just aping a quirk cultivated by thousands
of quirk-cultivators before them in a giant, gross, boring feedback
loop. Yes, clowns can be mildly creepy. (More important, they are
unfunny.) But c’mon. Among the many things that are scarier than
clowns: fire, earthquakes, a guy with a knife, riding the bus, colon
cancer, falling down the stairs (it could happen at any time!),
rapists, people who just kind of look a little rapey and are standing
too close to you in line at 7-Eleven, Marlo from The Wire,
influenza, and scissors.

People Who Don’t Watch TV

Symbolically not doing something for the sake of not doing it is
almost never evidence of sophistication. It is evidence of not knowing
what you’re fucking talking about. Are we really still having this
conversation? Television is a part of the cultural landscape at this
point—a lot of it is good. A lot of it is bad, some of which is
also good. You know, LIKE ALL THINGS MADE BY HUMANS? Obviously it is
also a good idea to go outside once in a while. But the presence of a
television in your home does not make that decision for you. You make
it. Feel free to still go outside at any time.

People Who Tell Me Things “Just FYI”

Thanks, thanks very much. Just FMI.

People Who Are White Who Call Black People “Brothas” When Talking to Other White People, as
in, “A Lot of My Friends Are Brothas”

Jesus Christ.

People Who Are Old

Notable old people include: Methuselah, George Burns, Andy Rooney,
an elephant, Dick Van Dyke, Slade Gorton the senator, Father Time,
Slade Gorton the Gorton’s fisherman, Chinese people (they kick white
people’s asses at not dying), Wilford Brimley, the old lady who dropped
it into the ocean at the end, Harrison Ford.

People Who Are Old and Think Pigeons Are Their Best Friends

Listen, old people. Pigeons do not love you. Much like robots and
the British, pigeons do not have the capacity to feel love. They only
have the capacity to desire croutons. And when you spread infinity
croutons across the grass outside MY house, for the purpose of making
pigeons love you (WHICH WILL NEVER HAPPEN), the only result is infinite
feces. I now have to walk upon feces-encrusted streets through a
feces-encrusted world. Because of you and your delusions of pigeon
love. Stop it.

Babies

The opposite of old people. They are like you and me, except
smaller, more illiterate, and with less money.

People Who Are Secret Hookers

They’re your friends, but they’re hookers! Ssssh!

Recession Hookers

Oh. This hooker joke isn’t that funny anymore. When the recession is
over, and your friends and coworkers and parents come to you to
tearfully admit that they had to do a little recession hooking at the
end of the month to make rent, let’s institute a nationwide policy of
hooker amnesty. No judging. Sometimes these things happen. There but
for the grace of writing a bunch of bullshit in the newspaper go I.

People Who Are Hot Waiters

Once, my sister and I were in a restaurant in Greece, having a
fight, and the hot waiter (all waiters in Greece are hot) took one look
at our bleak, tear-puffed faces and said, “Ouzo power.” He brought
us two little glasses of cold, cloudy ouzo, and the ouzo cured our
fight.

People Who Are Pretty and Smart and Funny and Nice

You probably want to hate these people, but why bother? They are
absolutely wonderful, and all we can do is deal with it and hope to be
charming enough that they will some day mate with us so that our
children can absorb some of their impossible magic.

Wizards

Assholes with beards who do magic. In modern times, wizards look
just like normal people, because they’ve learned to wear tracksuits and
tuxedos over their robes. This means that wizards could be anywhere.
Can you trust the people you work with not to be wizards?

Russians

Citizens of Russia. The sworn enemies of wizards.

People Who Don’t Know How to Navigate a Four-Way Stop or an Uncontrolled Intersection

Can a lady get a wave, please? Just a courtesy wave. That’s all I
ask. These people are under the impression that rules do not apply to
them. They do not have to wait their turn because they are special.
They are probably the worst people on this entire list, and that
includes wizards.

Russian Wizards

Don’t be ridiculous.

People Who Believe in Sasquatch

What’s that? You couldn’t afford your bunion surgery because you
spent all your money on Sasquatch detectors? And now your bunion hurts?
Bummer. A few years ago, a friend of mine told me that he’d discovered
the secret to finding Sasquatch (he’s a believer because once, in an
Idaho forest, he “heard things” that he “couldn’t explain”) and called
some cryptozoological society to announce his epiphany: “Just find out
what it eats, and then go to where that is.” He and I, we are not
friends anymore.

People Who Are Just a Down-to-Earth Guy, Who Enjoys the Little
Things in Life Like Going for Walks, Lifting Weights, or Just Doing
Whatever (LOL), Whose Friends Would Probably Describe Him as Honest, Truthful, Loyal, Affectionate, Compassionate, and Romanceful, and Is Looking for a Woman Who Is
That Rare Combination of Stunning on the Outside and Beautiful on the
Inside, and Most Importantly Down to Earth, Enjoys the Little Things in
Life, Loves Children, Animals, Has a Passion, Laughter. I Especially
Like Asians.

Can we just skip to the part where you gun down everyone in the post
office?

People Who Smile at You on the Street

It’s always nice when any non-creepy stranger smiles at you. There
is not enough interstranger smiling going on these days. I also
appreciate it when people working in customer service behave in a
genuinely nice manner. Thank you. I always leave a tip, but I feel
extra happy about it when you are nice to me.

People Who Don’t Know How to Drink

Sometimes a person forgets to eat dinner, or sometimes they just
didn’t have time or money, and then they ended up at the bar and the
only snacks available were Rainier tallboys. And yes, sure, sometimes
they grab your beard and tell you, “You are drinking the most
successful sausage,” even though that’s barely even English, and then
they lose their keys and have to sleep on your floor, where they wake
up utterly bewildered and have to walk all the way home and drink a Big
Gulp of Sprite for breakfast on a Thursday. Be kind to these people.
They mean well.

People Who Are Only Interesting When They’re Drunk

This one is a bummer, but it’s so much less depressing than its half
brother, which is People Who Are Just Boring All the Time.

People Who Will Just Have a Bite of Whatever You’re Having

Please, please, please just order your own lasagna.

People Who Don’t Believe in Evolution but Love Antibiotics

Seriously? Either you believe in science or you don’t. If you want
to say sentences to me like, “God made the earth 29 years ago out of
Billy Graham’s stool” or “Every time you take the morning-after pill,
Satan has two orgasms,” then go ahead and stay away from Dr. Syringey
O’Medicine, M.D., from here on out. Because you know that pill that
made your strep throat go away? Science invented that. For you. Hey,
why don’t you just pray for God to take care of that root canal? I’ll
tell you why: Because God didn’t go to dental school, because dental
school doesn’t admit people who DON’T EXIST.

People Who Let Their Cat Walk Across Their Kitchen Cutting Board,
Even Though Those Are the Same Fucking Paws that Have Been Tramping
Around that Shit-Filled Cat Box and

I Don’t See a Kitty Foot-Washing Station Around Here, Do You? ANSWER THE QUESTION.

People Who Are into Whimsy

You can’t really be mad at people who send away for porcelain
figurines of poodles wearing poodle skirts that they saw in the back of
Parade, or who enjoy movies in which impish children attempt to
call grandma in heaven on the CB radio. That’d be like punching Helen
Keller in the face. These people just want to be left alone with their
extremely lifelike baby replicas—small false humans filled with
pretend love, that can be asphyxiated with attention and never poop,
cry, or grow up to make fun of anyone’s stretch pants and doily
collection. Forever-babies. (Note: Sometimes people who are into whimsy
vote against things like gay marriage. In which case, fuck ’em.)

People Who Studied Abroad in a Third-World Country

Congratulations.

Animals that Are Really People Who Got Transformed by a Witch

These are people who got on the wrong side of a witch. Now they are
turkeys and iguanas or some shit, and all they can do is cry (except
not really, because emotional tears are a physiological phenomenon
unique to humans and possibly camels). Don’t loan these people money,
because they obviously have bad judgment.

People Who Try to Pretend Like They Already Knew the Story About
Jimmy Stewart Smuggling a Yeti Hand out of Nepal in His Wife’s
Underpants

I do not believe you, unless your name is Jimmy Stewart’s Wife’s
Vagina. And I’m pretty sure Jimmy Stewart’s Wife’s Vagina doesn’t know
how to read. So….

People Who Sit at Their Day Jobs All Day Anonymously Posting the
Meanest Things They Can Think of in the Comments Sections on Blogs

These people are just mad because they all have herpes of the
eyeball. And diarrhea of the heart. But just to save them some time: I
am fat; I am a hipster; I am an idiot; this is the most boring,
self-indulgent article ever written; I hate everything because I work
for this newspaper, and if I ever say anything nice about anything I
will be fired immediately because this is the policy; I should be fired
right now; why don’t I just go write in my LiveJournal; Dear
LiveJournal, I am sooo idiotic and fat; I am a “hiptard” who thinks
that everything not within spitting distance of Holocene is like that
space desert in Beetlejuice with the giant sand worms, and I
don’t want to go there because I can’t ride my fixie on the space dunes
(and also I don’t want to be devoured); anyway, I probably haven’t even
seen Beetlejuice because I’m too busy FIRING MYSELF FOR BEING
FAT.

People Who Are Bill Paxton

I really enjoyed your work in Twister.

People Who Miss the Point

(See also: People Who Claim to Be Afraid of Clowns, People Who
Choose to Correct You About the Definition of “Hobo,” People Who Don’t
Watch TV, People Who Are Old and Think Pigeons Are Their Best Friends,
People Who Are Bill Paxton, and Babies.)

People Who Don’t Miss the Point

Thanks.

75 replies on “The Different Kinds of People that There Are”

  1. this is the best article ever written for the Mercury and rivals only Jonathan Lethem essays…maybe it’s better because I’m sure Lindy West got little-to-no money for it ,which, in contrast to Lethem’s hefty compensation makes this article have more soul points. Jimmy Stewart–yeti hand–really??? I hope you’re working on your novel West because I want to buy it. (not being sarcastic/ 100% serious/ wow)

  3. i agree with that bovine fella. this is the best article i’ve ever seen in the merc. ever. i couldnt agree more about people claiming to be scared of clowns. stop it already. find something legitimate to be scared of. like ebola.

  4. My I suggest People Who Don’t Not Smoke? Some people are non-smokers but they don’t not smoke. They just are. Other people don’t smoke and believe (erroneously) that it gives them moral superiority. These people are rubbish. I salute People Who Don’t Not Smoke.

  6. Haven’t I read this before? Like, about six months or a year ago? And wasn’t it in this paper? Am I in an episode of Star Trek where the transporter malfunctions and sends me to an alternate universe where some hot evil chick tries to seduce me?

  8. The problem with Recession Hookers is that they think their stuff is worth 10x what it really is. Like people trying to sell “vintage” furniture on Craigslist.

  13. This,….. is hilarious. I am currently building the throne for this woman. Down here, people just call homeless people,… “homeless people”… or “dirtbag”…
    I think that goes into the catagory of “People who thrive off of other people’s misery to make their own miserable selves feel better” but I could be wrong.
    Awaiting correction…

  20. This article is full of lulz.

    One time I saw a venn diagram and in one circle it had “People who are Bill Pullman” and in the other circle it said “People who are not Bill Pullman” and then in the middle in both circles it said “Bill Paxton.”

  30. Lindy, this article is garbage. Nothing more than a long I, Anonymous rant. Using the word ‘hobo’ makes you sound like an uneducated idiot. Do you call all asians ‘Chinese’ too? Japan’s population has one of the highest life expectancies, but China’s is actually lower than the United States!

  32. I love it. I love every bit of it. I could feel the anger being communicated rising inside me as I read it. This is going on my wall.

  33. I am ripping off Dr. Syringey O’Medicine, M.D. and inserting it into as many conversations as possible. Best. Article. Ever.

  35. Amusing article but factually wrong. Unemployment is higher than 7%… try more like 14-16% or more. The government numbers do NOT count “disenfranchised”, the people who have given up, those unable to claim Unemployment, the teen workers who might’ve had a job otherwise, the women who gave up and stay home with their kids because they can no long afford daycare, those less competitive, etc. I know because I am one of them: college educated, intelligent, decent resume — but laid off since January and can’t even get an interview. In some parts of the country, actual unemployment is over 20%. The rest of your piece would be more amusing if it didn’t make fun of this tragedy.

  36. wow, brilliant goddamn wow, in my face and in the faces of faces..Lindy West, knock me up.. i want your babies. Best article i’ve read in a long time.

  38. Great, but I disagree with the TV on, I know you’re not trying to have a debate to anything but I feel compelled to make a serious note.

    You should check out Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television by Jerry Mander or the TED talk “Dan Ariely asks, Are we in control of our own decisions?”

    The fact is TV is not a function of culture but the creator of it, and that culture is one of exploitation and brutality, fully half of the annoying shit you make fun of on here is a result of TV.

    TV provides context control and defaulting standards which in turn shape what you think of as your own decision making power.

    I’m not saying don’t watch shows, I’m saying don’t watch shows with commercials, or just passivity let the TV run in the background.

    While shows themselves are often manipulative in and of themselves they at least have an indirect agenda, not one that is openly exploitive and deceptive.

    The idea that you can “just ignore” the commercials is dangerous ignorance. :/

  41. I love this article so hard. Except the afraid of clowns part. I happen to be scared shitless of clowns. So scared that I once tried to jump out of a 3rd story window to get away from one. My boyfriend grabbed me by the pants and pulled me back into the room. I was pissed at him for days.

  42. Lindy West:

    Thank you for existing. You’re amazing. 😀

    alkowalski:

    I couldn’t agree more, I’ve been ranting about that for like 6 months ever since I started reading comments on this anti smoking group on facebook and was just hit by the ridiculous Moral High Ground so many people chose to take. Also I was quite shocked by some of the insults and gross generalizations thrown at smokers by these people: smokers are less intelligent, smokers are all poor, smokers are all more likely to be criminals. The mindset behind this makes absolutely no logical sense. Glad someone else has noticed. 😀

  45. Word Lindy.
    But you forgot to mention “people who hate GOD”. They ride fixies, drink mocha-choca-latta’s, worry about their footprint while wearing $200 kicks and pray to the NASDAQ for a better world. Right after they protest hate, scream about love, spit on someone who might disagree with them and make extremely casual and offensive jokes about people who do believe that GOD exists. They’re fun sometimes, as long as you only talk about and do things they think are cool.

  46. I love you.

    Also, “People who pick up their dog’s poo in little baggies and then carry them the half block to the nearest trash can.” I like those people.

  47. it kind of sucks. everyone writes things they are not in love with, so maybe next time. how about: people who think they are ironic and try to write chic, pop culture pieces, but are actually less interesting than the people who are only funny when theyre drunk… when theyre sober.

  51. Oh goodie you touched on almost all the hot leftcentric wing catch-topics of the moment-well fuck gay marriage,fuck kanye west,fuck serena williams,fuck macintosh computers,fuck starbucks,fuck all people who have trendy little over gelled,sticking up in a stupid looking pointy pile haircuts and black horn rim glasses,fuck your ‘novel’…Oh Yeah, smug skinny jean wearing,hipster assholes,fuck YOU

  54. Your reference under “People who miss the point” should be a “see”, not a “see also.” This is the only thing on Earth I know about.

    Otherwise, hah! Loved it.

  57. Article-whatever.If you find that brilliant, you probably need further mental and emotional development. @Travesty and Bam Bam-win, win

  59. I’m so happy that you used (or invented) the term ‘space desert’ Because there are at least 2 other movies that have space deserts. Its not really a desert, there’s no cactus or lizards depicted, and it sure looks kinda outer spacey in a deserty kinda way. Now I have a proper term for it! Kudos.

  61. You forgot People Who Were Really Animals – that witch-transformation thing goes both ways, y’know. There’s a reason why they’re called “loan sharks,” for example.

  63. I just found this on stumble, and I’ve gotta say this is the laziest crap ever. Way to clog up the internet with a half baked article that has no discernible premise and an Andy Rooney-esque flair for whining about those things everyone hates. In the future, take more than 5 minutes to look at your blank screen and come up with something just an iota more creative than “HURR DURR HERE’S A LIST OF ANNOYING THINGS THAT’S NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE!”.

  66. Not watching TV. “Symbolically not doing something for the sake of not doing it is almost never evidence of sophistication.”

    There’s nothing ‘symbolic’ about it, I just don’t watch tv (and I don’t make a big deal out of telling people that I don’t watch tv) because there is absolutely nothing interesting to watch. I couldn’t give a sh*t less about American Idol (Americans Idle) or Dancing with the Stars.

    No, I don’t have cable. If I *did* I’m sure there would be a few things I’d end up watching, but none of that detracts from the point that there is absolutely no reason to watch tv, it’s full of garbage and wastes away THOUSANDS of hours of your life. (This does not preclude my watching the Phillies or the Eagles.) Television is the original WMD: Weapon of Mass Distraction.

    As I continually tell my mother, “not only do those people not give two sh*ts about you, they *don’t even know you exist!* So why are you spending countless hours watching ‘Two and a Half Men,” a show about an unsympathetic womanizer, after your painful divorce from a man who was a womanizer?”

    Now I’ll get back to reading the rest of your post.

  67. Yeah forget about reading the rest of your garbage, you wander into ‘OMGZ WIZARDS! HOW THE F*CK DID THAT HAPPEN?”

    ‘OMGZ PEOPLE WHO LET CATS WALK ACROSS CUTTING BOARDS”

    Your article is a waste of time, a lot like tv.

    Stumbled. Thumbs down, would not buy from again.

  68. Beautifully written. Except for ‘people who don’t watch television.’ I have to say you miss the point there. It’s not television, it’;s commercial television. I still see the shows that I like and I’m well versed in pop culture. What people like myself are warning against is not having maximum control on what goes into your head when your defenses/filters are compromised.
    The ruling classes figured out social engineering a very long time ago, and corporations have been working overtime to perfect it for the past century (I used to work in Advertising).
    I’m not better or smarter, I’m just more sensitive to it and recognize that a lot of it leads to delusion and self destruction (and not by conscious choice).
    But, like I said, your writing is sharp, with a top notch wit, and no one is right about everything.

  71. I haven’t laughed so loud about something on the net for ages. well done – beautifully structured! Russian Wizards indeed.

  72. datingpoz…C óM Set up your own std or related dating site for free. Earn money much easier
    datingpoz…C óM – The best anonymous dating site for people with HIV positive, herpes, HPV, hepatitis and other STDs. Find

    friendship, support, and even love with STD here!

  74. you forgot “people who think they’re funny but really aren’t” ….not really finding the humor that everyone else is. plus you lost me after God not existing… this whole article seemed to be pretty ignorant

  75. Witty poke of humor at pop-culture. Some good, some ehhhh. None the less this is a creative, somewhat original and pretty funny twist on topics verbalized and attempted to be thought through by annoying hipsters. If you don’t find the humor in it, maybe you need to get a sense of humor. The only missing link here is the Molecular Biology professor I had in college who believes in god and not evolution. W. T. F. is that and where do those people fit in?

Comments are closed.