MONDAY, AUGUST 15
Welcome back to One Day at a Time, dears, where, somehow, impossibly, we’re now on year 47 of writing about Justin Bieber being an idiot. How does that even work? Bieber’s only 22, but it feels like forever he’s been an idiot. Like, at least 47 years. ANYWAYS. Das Biebs’ latest bout of idiocy came this week when he threw a hissy fit on Instagram after his fans mocked pictures he posted of his girlfriend Sofia Richie. (Sofia, other than the fact you’re Lionel Richie’s kid—please give us a second to listen to “All Night Long” on YouTube‚ thankyouverymuch—we know literally nothing about you, but we’re confident in telling you this: You can do better.) “I’m gonna make my Instagram private if you guys don’t stop the hate,” Biebles lectured his followers. “This is getting out of hand, if you guys are really fans you wouldn’t be so mean to people I like.” That threat went over about as well as you’d expect—much to the delight of Bieber’s ex, Selena Gomez (who, Sofia, was once where you are, and realized she could do better). “If you can’t handle the hate then stop posting pictures of your girlfriend lol,” Gomez wrote. “It should be special between you two only. Don’t be mad at your fans. They love you.” This also went over about as well as you’d expect. “It’s funny to see people that used me for attention and still try to point the finger this way. Sad. All love,” Bieber snapped back, sounding weirdly Trump-like, before deleting his Insta. (Selena! Great job! You’re the best. Now can you get Trump to quit Twitter?)
TUESDAY, AUGUST 16
Just a few short weeks ago, we wrote about how former Lord of the Rings elf Orlando Bloom and former celebrity Katy Perry were seen frolicking in Sardinia, Italy—or, more accurately, Orlando’s bloom was seen frolicking, as he was au naturel. Well, now Orlando wants to settle down and have a billion little elflings! “[Orlando] always gushes about Katy and thinks she is amazing in a million ways,” an unnamed source (who is probably Frodo Baggins) told People. “He would love to settle down with Katy and have more kids.” Not so fast, gabs another source (who is probably Gandalf), because Perry’s ill-fated marriage to Russell Brand left some scars! “Katy’s divorce from Russell really messed her up emotionally,” Gandalf the Grey the mysterious source says. “She’s not going to rashly make a huge commitment like marriage again unless she thinks it’s absolutely right.” In conclusion, good luck figuring that out, you two crazy kids, and thanks for reminding us that Russell Brand exists. Wonder what he’s up to these days? MEANWHILE, IN ENGLAND… “I’m watching Lord of the Rings, actually!” Russell Brand said from his couch as he squinted at Legolas doing some goofy elf shit. “Good for Katy, I guess? I mean, that guy’s no Aragorn, but to each his own.”
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 17
As trusted, time-proven, and illustrious media outlets such as the New York Times, the Guardian, and the Portland Mercury wrestle with the Important Issues of the Day, it’s good to see that Marie Claire is also keeping an eye on the real stories that define our world. “Kim Kardashian Finally Admits to Getting Butt Injections—But There’s Way More to the Story,” reads Marie Claire’s headline, followed by “#ItsComplicated.” Except, you know, it isn’t: Kardashian explained on a live stream that she’s got psoriasis (just like Hubby Kip!), and gets cortisone shots to help—even though her dermatologist warned her about one side effect. “I go in there and he’s like, ‘There’s a one in a billion chance that you will get a huge indent in your butt,’” Kardashian said. “Of course I get a huge indent on my butt.” So to fix that butt indent? Butt injections! So? Butt injections… CONFIRMED. And Marie Claire? Please pick up your Pulitzer at your earliest convenience.
THURSDAY, AUGUST 18
Oh, Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte—you big, dumb, beautiful sonofabitch. As mentioned in last week’s One Day, Brazilian cops have been giving some serious side-eye to Lochte’s fantastical story about being “robbed” on the stereotypical “mean streets of Rio”—and now the beefcake’s fishy story is unraveling faster than he can swim. According to a report from the actual cops, Lochte and his swim buddies were drunkenly and unsuccessfully trying enter a gas station bathroom (Hey dum-dums! Did you try “pulling” instead of “pushing”?) when they accidentally broke the door. A gas station security guard (who claims he never pulled his gun, but a video acquired from TMZ shows otherwise) reportedly asked the drunken swimmers to pay for the door—which they eventually did. Aaaand end of story. Wait…waitwaitwaitWAIT. So if that was the real story—why lie in the first place? According to various reports, Ryan apparently spun the lie to impress his mom, who then blabbed all about it on social media. (MOOOOOM! YOU’RE EMBARRASSING MEEEEE!) Speaking of Twitter, here’s the only response thus far from Lochte about the growing Rio escandelo: “My hair is going back to its normal color tomorrow.” (Mmm-hmm. His hair’s probably afraid it will be recognized in public.)
FRIDAY, AUGUST 19
Are you simply desperate to learn more about the divorce proceedings between scarf-wearing alleged abuser Johnny Depp and his scorned bride Amber Heard? Yeah… didn’t think so. But here it is anyway, just so we can put a cork in it and move along with our lives. When we last left this bickering duo, “someone” released a video Amber shot of Johnny guzzling a bottle of wine and kicking his kitchen’s dishwasher to death. Anyway, you’ll be relieved to know that at long last our national nightmare is over, and Depp and Heard have settled their grievances. In exchange for dropping abuse claims and the restraining order against Johnny, Amber will be receiving 7 million scarves—just kidding—dollars. However, before this entire mess leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, there’s this: Amber announced she will be giving ALL this money to charity, in particular the ACLU (to be used to fight abuse against women) and the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles. So hurrah for Amber, we guess? As for Johnny, we’re still waiting on whether he will make any donations to his fave charities: the Maytag Hospital for Dishwasher Repair, and Scarves for Tots.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 20
Poor Hillary Clinton! Has there ever been a presidential candidate who’s been given a more despicable, orange-tinted monster (hi, Donald Trump!) to run against in the general election? Of course not. But that doesn’t mean she’s got it easy. For example, the presidential debates are coming up (the first one takes place on September 26), and even a champion slam-dunker like Hillary needs to practice, right? But according to the Washington Post, Hills is having a devil of a time finding someone to play Trump in her debate prep sessions! According to campaign manager Robby Mook, “it’s very hard to find someone” who can duplicate Trump’s… umm… particular style and temperament (AKA bloviating and lying out of his orange ass). A few names have already been floated as possibilities, including bombastic Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe, Veep Joe Biden, and Democratic strategist James Carville. Even Dallas Mavericks owner (and fairly despicable reality show host) Mark Cuban has volunteered for the job! But here’s our suggestion of who we think would be perfect: Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte! Not only is he dumb and well versed in lying (see above), but he’s dying his hair this weekend! (Orange would look hot on him.)
SUNDAY, AUGUST 21
Speaking of bumbling liars, Olympic beefcake Ryan Lochte has finally broken his silence (which is always entertaining, since he’s not exactly the brightest of bulbs). Ryan spoke to NBC’s Matt Lauer in an exclusive interview to answer questions about Lochtegate. In short? “I over-exaggerated that story,” Ryan said, which we suppose is one way of putting it. When asked why he made it up, Ryan said, “I don’t know,” but admitted to being intoxicated at the time. Lauer continued to press Lochte on his lie, asking why he didn’t mention that the incident went down at a gas station, and instead pushed the (fairly entitled and racist) “mean streets of Rio” angle. “I’m taking full responsibility for it,” Ryan responded, before apologizing for besmirching the city. “The people of Rio and Brazil, the authorities, everyone there put on a great games. And my immature behavior tarnished that a little, and I don’t want that. I’m just really sorry, and I hope they can accept my apology.” And with that, the world said, “Okay, fine, whatever,” rolled their eyes, and went back to desperately searching for the next thing to be enraged or amused about… which we will dutifully deliver next week! Until then, dears? Mmmmmm-WAH!