Go fuck yourself, Rose Festival. Go fuck yourself in the ass and the ear and in your crusty nose-hole.

Every year you show up, a nasty little bit of small townism on steroids. You close off Waterfront Park and fill it full of syphilitic carnies that operate overpriced rides fro credulous Greshamites. You deem high school cheerleaders “princesses” and “queens” in a pointless, sexist contest. (Oh, they’re “ambassadors,” are they? Whatever. That’s just lipstick on a pig.) You clog the streets with idiotic parades.

Worst of all, though, you demonstrate nothing that is genuinely good about Portland. I love my hometown. I love it because it has bike lanes, curbside recycling, and is a blue bulwark against red state. I love that it has restaurants, beer and a vibrant art scene. I love that it’s interesting and alive. I’ve lived other places, and have come back here. Progress happens here.

Why debase this place with the idiotic simulacrum of a mud-strewn state fair? Why emulate the pathetic local chauvinism that infects so much of the rest of this country? Everyone who takes a bike to work is a celebration of Portland. Everyone who recycles, who makes art, who gives a shit about the environment is a celebration of Portland. Everyone who, on a regular basis makes this place excellent is a celebration of Portland.

You, Rose Festival, are not. Go fuck yourself, and leave us alone.

20 replies on “Dear Rose Festival: Go Fuck Yourself”

  1. While I don’t count myself as a fan of the Rose Festival (I hide at home while it’s going on), you certainly can’t claim it as “un-Portland” because it doesn’t follow your PC rules. Sorry that in a metro area of what – 2 million people? – they aren’t ALL LIKE YOU. Boo-hoo, let “others” have a week of fun or whatever.

  2. I’m so sick of people waxing profound about the importance of recycling and voting Democrat. Get a clue. There is a pathology and a rot that run deeper than your pretty lifestyle. Portland is an image of progressivism, but the city is not sustainable, the schools are crumbling, affordable housing is far too scarce, etc. ad nauseam. Why not direct your anger toward something that’s actually part of the problem?

  3. I wouldn’t put it in such nasty or extreme terms, but there is something of a disconnect with the Rose Festival.

    The whole thing is, ostensibly, a civic celebration of how awesome we are. Ideally it would make us feel all Portland-y and such. It doesn’t, though. It seems like a relic from a small town. Every time drink a beer from Hopworks or coffee from Cellar Door, I get a tiny little gooey feeling about how neat this place is. I don’t get that from the Rose Festival at all, though. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it seems more like it’s attached to Portland, rather than of Portland.

  5. Poor baby. You should really go have another cup of coffee and wake up. I was under the impression that Democrats were typically intelligent, open-minded, and tolerant. I’ve never been to the Rose Festival but I have been to a state fair or two. Since you are a bigot (syphilitic carnies) why not avoid it altogether and let less hateful people have their fun?

  6. No…. go fuck YOURself, anonymous. Local chauvinism? Celebrating this town because it has restaurants, beer and a local art scene is ridiculous- what city doesnt?

  7. @Jake: Yes, I do, but I’ve also lived in places where I haven’t had access to such things and therefore don’t take them for granted.

  8. I am not too cool for Rose Festival. I do not belong in Mercury comments. (But not a single fucking marching band played the Liberty Bell March. Disappoint.)

  9. The Rose Festival is 104 years old-how can a festival that has celebrated Portland for 104 years be less Portland than you? So what if it clogs the streets-it is healthy for a city to celebrate its self and its idenity. It is unique to Portland-this city of roses (although I would like to change the name to city of black spot.)

    When I was a kid I looked foreward to the Rose Festival. Oh shit, imagine that! Letting kids have a good time in Portland! its grugy, yeah it clogs the streets but so what? I think you need a ride on the spinning UFO. Whatever, lighten up. Portland is alot of things besides micro brews and bike lanes. Let it revel in its roses

  10. This guy is a real prick of the Portlandia-fodder variety. A “blue bulwark against a red state?” What the fuck does that mean? Oh, it means you’re a dumbshit who hasn’t explored Oregon or met people anywhere else because you’re too busy sitting in the coffee shop you live above bitching about how the Rose Festival is so un-Portland.

    You know what’s un-Portland? Lots of bullshit. But certainly not the Rose Festival, a natural extension of the success of the Lewis & Clark Exposition of the nineteen-oughts, and a reason each year for our community to join together for some summer-starting fun.

    The Starlight Parade is one of my favorite annual events, because it’s cool and funky and beautiful. It’s Portland.

  13. I kinda like the Rose Festival even though it can be a pain. I’m excited this year for the ships (even though they have been itty bitty for years) and the high water.

    I know an over-the-top rant is why “I, Anonymous” exists, but I think one of the more cool (and also more annoying) things about Portland is the ludicrous number of summer events and parades and races and bike parties (and bars). Live and let live. Blah blah blah.

    Hey, are we having a duct tape fight this year with saving spots for the parades? I hope so! That was highly entertaining!

  14. I usually go to at least one rose festival event every year. I can say without exageration: The MAIN reason I go is specifically because people like Anonymous here are NOT there.

    You know what those “Greshamites” are? Well, first of all, I’d guess that most of them are actually from Portland. But second, they are authentic and unpretentious. So please please please you and your insufferable “blue bulwark” friends continue to hate and avoid the Rose Festival at all costs.

    This bizarre, Portlandia, look-at-us-ride-bikes-to-Hopworks world that you have created is completely contrived. You are not authentic. You are exactly like ten thousand other little hipster shits who are all “weird” in the exact same way. And what none of you seem to get, is that you are BORING.

    I would rather spend an afternoon with the people at the waterfront carnival than you and your preening, group-think, Bus Project drones any day of the year.

  15. Many of those Greshamites used to live in Portland before they were priced out of their neighborhoods by self-righteous, pseudoliberal douchebags like you.

  16. Dude, you’re going about it all wrong. I go down to the waterfront every year with an agenda of three things:

    1) Ride the Gravitron
    2) Eat an elephant ear
    3) Enjoy the best people watching of the year

    If you _really_ want to feel better than your fellow man, don’t just bitch about them in an anonymous forum. Sit on a bench at CityFest and watch the endless parade of terrible, faded prison tattoos, meth-mouthed carnies, incredibly obese seniors and children, and folks who are genuinely thrilled to be separated from their money for the mere chance of winning a gigantic stuffed Stewie Griffin doll. It’s living proof that Idiocracry is real and happening right now.

  18. Regardless of how you feel about Rose Festival (hate/love/etc.) isn’t it true that it brings in LOTS and LOTS of money? Do we really need any other reason to keep the damned thing? (Heritage is also nice. Even if it has -always- been about the money. Don’t fool yourselves, Rose Geeks.)

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