Credit: Illustration by Kalah Allen

Parents, SHUT THE FUCK UP. NO ONE CARES ABOUT HOW PUT UPON YOU ARE.

Non-Parents, SHUT THE FUCK UP. EVERYONE KNOWS KIDS CAN BE ANNOYING.

Seriously, both of you just fucking cool it. The incessant whining about how awful parents are isn’t edgy, it just makes you look like a misanthropic child-free 16-year-old. Maybe when you’re old enough to have friends with kids, you’ll (1) be able to nut up and confront asshole parents. And (2) be able to get past your ego to understand the world isn’t actually all about you.

Parents, HOLY FUCKING GOD YOUR KID IS PROBABLY ANNOYING. And equally goddamned adorable. If your kid is screaming in a restaurant, or darting into crosswalks, people aren’t going to like your kid. And seeing as you’re the caretaker, you’ll also be blamed. Suck it the fuck up. This is part of having kids. Some people are going to find you/your kid annoying.

Both of you, stop putting so much value into what other people think and do. Here’s a thing: People are assholes, be they child-free or child-full. Even children are assholes.–Anonymous

6 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  1. Parenting is a pain in the ass, especially if your kid is hyper and smart. I spent the first five years of my son’s life in a Frankenstein’s Monster position chasing after him and saying “No, don’t run out into traffic”, “Please stop yelling everything that pops into your head on public transportation ‘That lady has big boobs, you have medium boobs’, and “Butter pats are not candy at the nice restaurant.” If your kid is being a dick, take them out of the situation and walk off some energy.

    Non-parents, just wait. For some strange reason having a kid will sound like a great idea and you will buy into how magical and fulfilling it is to raise your own child, who will be perfect and nothing like all those annoying kids you can’t deal with. Until then try to have some patience with the people who bought into the myth. Unfortunately you don’t have to take a test or get a license to procreate, so there are many unqualified people popping out our future generation. I lucked out with a kid who is doing fairly well, even with my neophyte attempts at successfully raising a human being someone doesn’t just want to punch as soon as he opens his mouth.

    Everyone needs to just take a deep breath and try to work together. As DEVO would say “It’s a beautiful world we live in.”

  2. Agreeing specifically with the part about taking kids out of situations where they’re losing their shit. My parents didn’t smack the shit out of me if I couldn’t behave in a restaurant, but they also didn’t act like I was Expressing My Creativity, either. That would be when we left, and the message was clear: if you’re being a dick, no one has any fun.

    I raised my own kid the same way: you let them know there’s other people in the world, and try to act accordingly.

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