I’m a 44-year-old woman with a history of childhood sexual trauma. I enjoy sex if I’m with a partner I feel very connected to emotionally, but I’ve never had an orgasm. Because of this I tend to rely on pleasing my partner during sex rather than my own arousal. It works OK for me at this point while I try to heal, which is taking forever. (I am in therapy.) I’ve been married for about 12 years. My husband has a high sex drive and has had a hard time with the ways trauma can lower my interest in sex. He has worked hard to try and find ways we can be intimate that don’t involve penetrative sex (including his wearing a cage as a turn-on for him, sharing fantasies, etc.) but his needs have not been met recently as the trauma symptoms have been on top of me.
Recently, we had a major misunderstanding. I thought I was giving him the green light to go to strip clubs/burlesque shows to get his sexual needs met. He thought I was giving him the green light to have an open relationship. We had a huge struggle about this. For now, he has decided to accept my decision that I cannot remain in the marriage if he wants to sleep with other people. It does not feel emotionally safe to me to open the marriage to others. However, I can see that he was much happier when he thought he had the option to pursue others.
What does any of this mean? Is monogamy ethically wrong if one partner would prefer a different arrangement? He is right that I am setting the terms of the relationship, and he has to comply to stay with me, which feels unilateral to him. How do we navigate this in a way that is fair to both partners?
Very Confused Recluse
If your husband walked away from that conversation thinking he had permission to fuck other people — and you walked away thinking you’d only given him the green light to go to strip clubs or burlesque shows — then that conversation wasn’t explicit enough. I suspect you both had your reasons for keeping things vague: your husband may have avoided pushing for clarity because he didn’t want to hear “no,” and you may have hesitated to be clear because you’re not comfortable unilaterally setting the terms… even though that’s what you’re doing, VCR, and need to do for your own mental health.
Ultimately, your question — whether monogamy is ethically wrong if one partner wants something else — isn’t one many people even bother to ask. Monogamy is presumed to be the morally superior choice, even in cases where one person is imposing it on the other. We talk a lot about “ethical non-monogamy,” but monogamy is presumed to be ethical. But there are lots of people who are monogamous not because it’s what they want, VCR, but because their partner requires or demands it. If monogamy is the price of admission your husband is willing to pay to be with you — if being MUD (monogamous under duress) is worth it — you should take his “yes” for an answer and let him pay that price. But you can’t ask him to pretend it doesn’t cost him anything.
If the three of us were, say, having drinks in a strip club, I’d want to ask your husband whether his sexual needs can be met with lap dances. And I would ask if you weren’t also a little happier during that brief window when he was a little happier… back when believed he believed he had permission to fuck other people. I understand why the idea of your husband having sex with other women makes you feel threatened (what if he caught feelings for someone else?) and insecure (am I broken?), but knowing your husband is feeling resentful and sexually unfulfilled creates its own kind of emotional pressure. You’re doing the work, you’re in therapy, you’re working toward healing — to your credit — and you’re entitled to your boundaries. But the longer your current sexual drought lasts, the more pressure you’re both going to find yourselves under.
Again, for now, I think you should take your husband’s “yes” for an answer. But you have to own that this is something he’s doing — or not doing — for you, VCR, because he wants to prioritize your mental health and your marriage. The least you can do is not ask him to pretend it’s fair. It’s not, and it doesn’t have to be, and very few things in life are.
P.S. You wrote, “I can’t remain in the marriage if he wants to sleep with other people.” People in monogamous relationships are attracted to other people all the time — they still wanna — but they’ve promised their partners that they won’t.
P.P.S. While lap dances might meet some men’s needs (or come close), nobody — male or female — is getting their sexual needs met at modern burlesque shows. Contemporary burlesque is about celebrating, empowering, and affirming the performers, not getting audience members off. Which is great! I’m all for celebrating, empowering, and affirming performers of all stripes, especially male ballet dancers. But a quick look at the audience at a burlesque show — which is always more than half hooting, hollering women — demonstrates that the show isn’t about the needs of lonely, horny men.
I’m a 26-year-old straight man. I’ve been in a relationship for about four months with 27-year-old non-binary bisexual who was assigned female at birth and whose pronouns are she/they. We knew each for a while before dating, but I wasn’t entirely aware of her gender identity until we got together. As I have gotten to know her better, I find myself uncomfortable every time she brings up her non-binary identity and how she doesn’t identify with femaleness/womanhood. This is obviously a deeply rooted queerphobic and bigoted reaction on my part. I am absolutely infatuated with her in every way, both physically and personally, but I can’t seem to get over this, and I find myself pulling back both emotionally and sexually in these moments.
With every other issue we’ve had (not many), we’ve been more than comfortable talking it out with each other and coming to a mutual understanding. We generally have a wonderfully open and communicative relationship. The only reason I haven’t brought this up with her is because this is entirely my problem, and I don’t think it would be fair for me to say, “I want you to avoid discussing a central part of your identity around me for the sake of my own comfort and attraction to you,” nor would that statement lead to a productive conversation. Any advice on how I can talk to her about this? Or whether I should?
Cissexism Is Seriously Bumming Out Boyfriend
One secret to long-term relationship success: When your partner starts talking about something that’s meaningful to them but incomprehensible to you — or something you find deeply silly or mildly annoying — you let ’em talk. You nod. You make listening faces. You say, “Huh,” “Interesting,” “Didn’t know that,” etc., but you never say, “Tell me more.” Then you seize the second or third opportunity to change the subject — never the first (don’t want to give away the game) — in the hopes of moving on to a different topic. Letting your partner’s (tolerable) bullshit go in one ear and out the other is an act of love. It’s also how couples survive astrology. And crypto. And Burning Man.
As for your particular situation: We’re talking about her/their gender identity, CISBOB, which is obviously more important than her/their star sign. (This response is about to get mildly annoying. Readers who aren’t CISBOB are invited to let the rest of this response flow in one eye and out the other.) So, your partner doesn’t identify with femaleness or womanhood. That’s great! But you can’t control how your dick identifies her/them, CISBOB, and your dick identifies her/them as a female and a woman. The disconnect between how she/they sees herself/themself and how you instinctively perceive her/them most likely makes you — her earnest, conscientious wannabe ally boyfriend — feel like you’re betraying her/them somehow. But you’re not. You couldn’t be with her/them if your reptile brain didn’t read her/them as a woman, CISBOB, and that’s not a betrayal.
Basically, CISBOB, while you can wrap your head around your partner’s gender identity, you’re never gonna be able to fully wrap your dick around it. That’s not queerphobic, that’s not cissexist, that’s just how you’re wired. And your partner needs to own some of the tension too. If she/they finds it intolerable to be with someone who perceives her/them as a woman and a female — and she/they might not find it intolerable (she/they might be fine with it) — then she/they shouldn’t be dating straight cis guys. Or lesbian cis women. Or bisexuals. Or anyone, really. Because pretty much everyone who wants to fuck her/them is going to be drawn to her/them — in hole or in part — because she/they was assigned female at birth, not despite it. And if she/they can’t tolerate being desired for everything she/they is in addition to being non-binary… then she/they should be dating a toaster with a dildo duct-taped to it, CISBOYB, not a real human boy.
P.S. Again, there’s no evidence in your letter that you’re queerphobic or bigoted. You’re just a little confused by your partner. Literally everyone who has or has ever had a partner can relate to that.
Read the rest of this week’s column here! And don’t miss this week’s episode of the Lovecast, with special guest Jena Martin from the Memory Hole Podcast! LISTEN HERE!
