Dear Readers: It’s my birthday this week — thank you very much — and I’ve retreated to a secret, undisclosed location (without Internet access!) to ignore, er, celebrate the occasion. So, in place of a regular column (you ask, I answer) below you’ll find some questions I posted to Struggle Session, a weekly bonus column where I respond to comments from my readers and listeners. “Never read the comments” is standard advice for anyone who goes online — and it’s damn good advice —but Savage.Love is the exception to that rule: it’s the one and only place online where you should read the comments, thanks to the wonderful community there. So, here are some letters that I posted to Struggle Session and invited Savage Love commenters to respond to. Enjoy! — Dan
I’m (39F) dating a guy (34M) who is really wonderful. In his conservative home country, he was quite the Casanova, didn’t want to marry, and managed instead to have a pretty *ahem* robust dating life. Here’s the issue. He shared with me that when he was 32, he slept with a girl who was 16 or 17 years old. He had been her teacher when she was in elementary school. When they met again at 16/17, she was already married and pursued him because she didn’t like her husband (who was even older than him). He said he was only with her twice and then they broke it off.
I have no reason to doubt him because he openly shared this with me, and he clearly didn’t understand that by US standards, this is not ok. When I explained this to him (also noted that it was almost certainly illegal in the US) he instantly understood.
I’m struggling with this because it’s not ok due to her and his age at the time, plus the power dynamic difference. But by his culture’s standards, the only issue was she was a woman sleeping with a man who wasn’t her husband. I appreciate that cultural differences have some major implications here, and he seems to be very clear on how this would be regarded in the US. I’m just trying to sort my feelings out around this. Help?
Dating Is Flummoxing Feelings Somewhat
Andrew: No one else should tell you how you’re supposed to feel about something. You feel what you feel. So, if what you’re feeling right now is just a little “Hmm, this is weird,” then you can put it in your memory hole, let the past be the past, try not to bring it up with him again, and it probably won’t come up in conversation.
If what you’re feeling right now is more intense, then probably it’s best to end the relationship. There may be other factors making this revelation uncomfortable for you, maybe subconsciously. There will likely be other things you find about his culture, the parts of the worldview that he still stands up for or sees as defensible, that are incompatible with your worldview.
If it were me, I’d drop the subject. But then, for me, I don’t see the American view of age and sexuality as an eternal truth, just where we set the bar. It’s not as though someone magically changes into a consent-capable adult at 12:01 AM on their 18th birthday. We set the age of consent as a safeguard, because relationships across those lines are likely to be coercive, but I don’t think that means any and all relationships across that line are coercive and nonconsensual.
NoCuteName: I can’t figure out what DIFFS wants or why.
Does she want her boyfriend to understand or acknowledge that in our culture, a 32-year-old man having sex with a 16-17-year-old is not only unethical, but illegal? It seems as though he gets that, at least now that she’s explained it to him. Does she want an excuse to dump him or to think poorly of him? What kinds of feelings does she want to sort out?
The best I can make out, she wants to disapprove of him because he so flagrantly offended a cultural norm in her (and our) culture. But she wants to be open-minded enough to understand that in his culture of origin, the issues we would take may not be relevant.
But then what? Yes, he did something we frown upon here. Although it was a non-issue to him at the time, based on his different cultural norms, he understands why it would be troubling to his US girlfriend. Does she require some sort of penance on his part so that she can give herself permission to continue dating him and considering him a “wonderful” guy? Does she think that if her friends or family knew about this episode in his past, they’d be unable to get past it and would judge her harshly for being willing to be with a man who’d do that?
BiDanFan: Sixteen is the age of consent in most US states, so this would not have been “almost certainly illegal in the US.” In fact, it would have been legal, if considered creepy, in most of the US. You say your boyfriend understands that by more progressive standards, this wasn’t OK. Like Dan says in this column, men are pigs; you know this already. This one seems to know that what he did in this situation was not OK, that’s why he confessed this particular hookup to you. People make mistakes, DIFFS! Look at your past and answer genuinely, is there nothing you ever did when you were younger that squicks you out today? Give him the absolution he seeks and move on.
Read the rest of this week’s column here!
And this week on the Savage Lovecast… rejoice! Randy Rainbow is back. Our favorite parodic chanteuse is here to promote his new book “Low Hanging Fruit,” and to dish with Dan about pregnancy fetishes, evangelistic nudists, and how weird straight people are. Listen here.
