I’m a queer cis woman in my late 30s with a problem: I don’t like having my pussy eaten. This isn’t about me being uncomfortable with the way my pussy looks or smells or tastes. I just don’t like the sensation. At best, I get close but eventually plateau, which is frustrating. At worst, it feels slimy, like a slug exploring my genitals. Also, being on my back with my knees up reminds me of being at the gynecologist, which is not sexy. In the end, it’s just not my thing. But the actual problem for me is modern men. They are obsessed with eating pussy and get very pouty when you don’t think it’s the best. I like plenty of other things — being held and talked dirty to, light teasing with their mouths, fingering, etc. — but they all want to get me off orally. I get a lot of, “You just haven’t had it done right,” or, “Wait until I do it for you,” and then they get mad when (surprise!) I don’t like this thing I don’t like. I tried dating a couple of men who “don’t eat pussy,” but those men didn’t seem to care at all about getting a woman off. And while I’m queer, it feels like cunnilingus is even more important when you’re hooking up with other women/AFABs. Honestly, I feel like faking it with new partners and enjoying my actual orgasms alone would be easier than opening about this to new people. Being treated like a freak has turned sex, which is supposed to be fun, into something that makes me feel bad about myself.
Any advice would be appreciated. At the very least, Dan, maybe you could make a public service announcement telling people that being GGG for a cis woman doesn’t just mean eating her pussy, it means showing a genuine interest in who she is as an individual sexual being.
Wish I Liked Licks
Let’s get that PSA out of the way:
Not everyone likes receiving oral! There are cis men who don’t like having their cocks sucked! There are cis women who don’t like having their pussies eaten! There are trans men who don’t like having their pussies eaten or their neophalluses sucked and trans women who don’t like having their cocks sucked or their neovaginas eaten and enbies who don’t like having their genitals — whatever form they take — licked or sucked! People are allowed to dislike things! Even things you’re good at! Even things most people like! Being GGG means listening to people when they tell you what they like! And doing those things! If they’re things you like too! It’s not hard!
I hope that helps, WILL, but since PSAs never reach 100% of their target demo, you’ll still have to tell new partners you dislike receiving oral sex. Which means, if you don’t wanna spend the rest of your life faking orgasms before sneaking away to get yourself off (which sounds worse than having to explain that receiving oral isn’t what you want), you’re gonna have to use your words.
Pro-tip: don’t string weak-ass words together into mealymouthed statements like, “Sometimes I get close from oral but I’ve never gotten off from oral and there are other things we could do if that’s okay?” The kind of guys you wanna fuck — who are, ironically enough, the kind of guys who do wanna eat pussy — are highly likely to interpret a statement like that as a cry for help. Many of them may have been with women in the past who were uncomfortable with their own genitals and/or had never been with a guy who loved eating pussy, WILL, and thanks to their persistence — in offering oral over and over again — dozens or hundreds of other women overcame their hangups and discovered that they loved being on the receiving end of oral sex. That is how it sometimes goes down.
But that’s not how it’s gonna go down for you.
You don’t have issues with how your pussy looks, smells, or tastes and you’ve been with plenty of men who loved eating pussy. You’ve given it a try… again and again and again… and it’s not for you. So, when you’re with a new sex partner, WILL, you need to hammer that point home with a clear and emphatic statement like this: “You’re one of the good guys — I hate straight guys who don’t go down on women — but plenty of people who were really good at eating pussy have gone down on me and it does nothing for me. Not only doesn’t it turn me on, it turns me the fuck off. And that’s not what either of us is here for. So, about those fingers of yours…”
Zooming out for a second, WILL, you say you’re frustrated by modern men who seem to believe eating pussy is synonymous with meeting a woman’s needs — and you’re proof that isn’t true for all women — but you’ve found that retrograde men who loudly refuse to eat pussy are worse, as those men don’t care about getting a woman off.
I have some good news for you, WILL: your choices aren’t limited to guys who won’t shut up about how much they love eating pussy and guys who won’t shut up about how much they hate it. Because mixed into the pile of modern men who seem obsessed with eating pussy, WILL, you will find a small number of modern men who are only pretending to be obsessed. And in that pile of queer women (and AFABs) you might wanna fuck or date, WILL, you will find a small number of women (and AFABs) who enjoy everything about sapphic sex except the eating pussy part.
The kind of partner you want is someone who goes through the motions of pushing back when you say you don’t want to receive oral sex (“Wait until I do it for you!”) but who doesn’t push back for long. In other words, WILL, you want someone who’s relieved to learn they don’t have to eat your pussy but whose relief isn’t obvious. If you can own that — if you can admit to wanting a partner who either wants to eat your pussy but doesn’t insist on it or someone who does a very good impression of someone who wants to eat your pussy — you’ll have an easier time tolerating the pushback you’re inevitably going to receive when you share this fact about yourself.
Because that pushback is good sign, WILL, a sign that this person is worth the time and effort required to convince them that, no, you really and truly don’t want to receive oral sex.
