Hello, and Welcome back to The Trash Report! I'm Elinor Jones. Wow, it's gonna be August this week, how bananapants is that? Please hold space in your heart for people who live with Leos during this time; we are very tired and poor from putting everything we've got into their birthday celebrations. Hey, not to take attention away from the Leos for a second (we'd never dare!), but there is some delicious trash to discuss. Let's go!

I Don't Even Really Drink Beer and I'd Have a Beer With Kamala

Have you OD'ed on politics this past week? Too bad! I haven't! It's like, you know how with some foods you can feel satisfied after a normal amount, but if you're eating pasta, somehow you can just keep eating and eating and eating until you run out of food?* Like there's a TARDIS situation happening with your stomach? That's my brain making unlimited space for election news now that Kamala Harris is the Democratic nominee. The campaign has racked up $200 million in donations in the week since Biden stepped back and I hope they use a lot of that money to run the ad with Beyonce's "Freedom" non-fucking-stop, because I can't get enough of it! It rules because it rules, but also because you know Trump is seething that he can't ever get any good music for his ads because everyone cool hates him. Even he's got to know that nobody is ever gonna get chills to a Kid Rock song. 

*Side note, but something I've been thinking about a lot lately is how all serving sizes at restaurants are way too fucking big except for any ravioli dish, which is always way too small? I love ravioli but I never ever order it at a restaurant, because I only get served, like, three ravioli. Why? Where's the rest? Why is it normal for a person to be ready to unhinge their jaw for a plate of lasagne, but if we're dealing with ravioli, suddenly the expectation is to be dainty? And it costs the same?? Get out of here. Maybe ravioli should be on the appetizer menu and we start normalizing wanting a normal dinner after housing a "serving" of those fuckers. 

Speaking of Trump, he's still workshopping how to be mean about Kamala and so far he's going with mispronouncing her name (boring!) and making fun of how she laughs. It's weird that this man is a father and grandfather. Imagine introducing him to a joyful little giggly baby and knowing that afterwards he's gonna like, "you wouldn't believe how nuts this guy sounded when he laughed. I mean, I know some crazy people, but a laugh like that? I'm tellin' ya, that baby is crazy, he should never be president."

Now that the top of the ticket is settled, the conversation has moved on to who the VP pick will be. It'll be a white guy, and like, whatever. The only reason I want them to decide on someone soon is because I want some campaign merch and if I buy a tote bag now that just says Harris, I'd have to buy another one when the VP name is set, and that'd be too many. (My partner has informed me that we have "too many goddamn tote bags all over this house" which I understood as "just one more.")  Minnesota Governor Tim Walz  has a lot of positive buzz, and I like him because Harris Walz sounds good together. Harris Walz. It's like the name of a law professor at a law school that's prestigious, but not ivy. Like someone who could have been friends with Howard Zinn. And isn't that what the American public wants out of a presidential ticket, really? 

Olympics Have Fallen... Onto Our TVs!

Really embarrassing enthusiasm from me this week, and I'm not even sorry. The Olympics started this weekend with none other than Celine Dion returning to the stage, and bringing the house down. She's not even French! She's Canadian! But she is the Frenchest Canadian, which is something I just came up with, but totally works, right? Wearing a tuxedo backwards and calling it fashion is a highly continental move. Lady Gaga—probably our Frenchest American—also performed, and I'm dying to know if she has an American accent when singing in French? I feel like she nails it because she is Gaga, but it would be really charming if she sounds like me when I was in Paris trying to order a crepe from a place that only sold crepes and still absolutely confounding the old man whose job it was to make crepes—only crepes—but could not make any damn sense out of the sounds coming out of my mouth. 

Also returning to the spotlight is gymnastics powerhouse Simone Biles, who even Gaga squeed over on social media, because all of us are dorks for the US of A when gymnastics is on. And just to be extra, Biles immediately hurt her leg and won anyway. Sometimes when I sit for too long my leg hurts a little bit when I stand back up, but I make myself walk it off. Olympic gymnasts: they're just like us!

With Friends Like These

Lisa Kudrow just went on Conan O'Brien's podcast and shared that the studio audience at Friends sucked and made filming very annoying with excessive performative laughter that ruined take after take and made the actors lose all of their rhythm as they waited for them to shut up. I love this! This is the kind of low-stakes tea that they never could have shared 20 years ago when the show was still on and the cast was so exalted, but to bring a new angle to an old show now is delicious. Bless her for holding on to a gripe for so long. I hope the rest of the cast has some secret bitchiness in their pockets to dole out over time. For example, I want Courtney Cox to tell us that the biggest creative difference she had with the writers was when Rachel was dating Ross and Monica was dating Tom Selleck and everyone was trying to get laid so Monica and Rachel both had to leave their bedrooms to get a condom from their bathroom all the way on the other side of the apartment in a stash that they 1) shared?? and 2) didn't keep fully stocked???? and Cox was like "THIS MAKES NO SENSE! CONDOMS ARE A BEDSTAND DRAWER ITEM! CONDOMS ARE NOT A BATHROOM SUPPLY YOU SHARE WITH A ROOMMATE LIKE TOILET PAPER. THIS WOULD LITERALLY NEVER HAPPEN" and despite hours of tears and screaming she went ahead and did the episode because she's a pro. Just an idea. I'd listen to that podcast.

In Local Trash

I used up all of my word count talking about politics and the Olympics so I've got nothing for you re: Local Trash. Thankfully this is a bang-up news outlet and one of my friends will inform you on whatever you need to know. Don't be too mad at me; my coworker today was absolutely useless: 

Bye! Please soak up the rest of this summer with gusto and remember that people with chubby faces will always look younger than their age so don't you dare go easy on the potato salad.

Cherubically,