Hi everybody, and welcome back to the Trash Report! I'm Elinor Jones. Some have said that this column reads like a drunk girl in a bathroom bar whisper-yelling to a girl she just met about a mutual enemy who's not there, and to that I say: good, this is exactly what I'm going for. Now pretend it's 11 pm on a Friday night, we're gorgeously lit (both literally and metaphorically); you're trying to fix your lipstick while I'm gesticulating wildly and talking too loud and I have Things. To. Say. (Kind of.)

MAHA? More like Nuh-uh

Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. spent Mothers Day weekend splashing around in a creek full of DC sewage. Not only was he swimming in raw sewage, which is crazy, but I suppose it could be chalked up to a misunderstanding—but the man was swimming in sewage in jeans, which is CRAZY crazy. This freak knew exactly what he was doing. Turns out when all the Trump people were calling to "drain the swamp," it wasn't about clearing DC of career politicians, but simply setting up new places for RFK Jr. to take a bath. (AND wash his jeans, which apparently he does at the same time!)

In other Trump-world news, the President just went on a tour of the Middle East, during which it was announced that the nation of Qatar would gift Trump a brand new plane that he'd use while in office and then keep for use after. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent tried to say that this move was not as blatantly corrupt as it seems, because France gave the US the Statue of Liberty and we didn't turn that away, did we? He is right in that we accepted a gift from a foreign nation, but it's not really the same because it's not like Grover Cleveland packed up Lady Liberty and filled her with cheeseburgers and made her schlep him around to play golf with his friends. 

And the last thing I'll say about the old men who are ruining this country is that former President Joe Biden was recently diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer. Hopefully this means that he'll be focusing on that and not planning a return to the presidential campaign trail in 2028, which I was not ruling out. Dealing with prostate cancer is actually a highly normal thing for a man in his 80s to be doing. In fact, it's where the term "elder statesman" came from—it's cuz all of them have something going on with their prostates. 

Trump ally Kid Rock had to temporarily close his restaurant because ICE was raiding kitchens in Tennessee and he didn't want his employees sent off to a Salvadoran gulag. And hey buddy, I get it—only a monster would want that to happen! Like, for example, all of the monsters you hang out with and support with your time and money. (I was going to do a thing where I quoted a Kid Rock song but change the lyrics to make a joke about the situation, but I don't actually know any Kid Rock songs, because I'm not a loser, and I wasn't about to look any up, because I don't hate myself.)

Celebrity Trash

Ugh, enough about those awful men. I am an equal opportunity shit-talker, so let's turn it to some awful women: future Mrs. Amazon Lauren Sanchez just had a bachelorette party and the guest list included Katy Perry and Kim Kardashian. I can't help myself from sorting all groups into characters from ensemble television shows; when it's four people we do Sex and the City but since this is three I turned to the girls from Friends: Lauren Sanchez is the Rachel because she's rich, Kim Kardashian is the Monica because she's controlling, and Katy Perry is the Phoebe because she's ~whimsical~. And even though they were not the ones to make this comparison, I thought about how much they would like it, and they'd post stupid Instagram captions like "so no one told you life was gonna be this SLAY" and I got irrationally angry at the ruling class for bogarting Friends when I'm already rationally angry at them for all the consolidation of wealth. 

Elsewhere in the 1%, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle recently hosted Brooklyn Beckham and Nicola Peltz at their California home. I just wrote about this Beckham mess last week, but I can't get enough of it: Harry and Meghan are the poster children for cutting off one's powerful British family, so Brooklyn and Nicola aligning with them is definitely A Move. Plus, last week Kate Middleton wore a Victoria Beckham design which as is ALSO A Move. Victoria Beckham is besties with Eva Longoria who is also friends with Lauren Sanchez and you're starting to see the connections, right? There seems to be some weird Avengers Endgame-style coalescing among the megawealthy, like maybe only one clique is going to be allowed on the spaceship that saves them when the rest of the world falls into environmental collapse. If you ask me whose team I'd be on, the answer is obviously none of them, I'm an anti-capitalist hater who thinks they're all immoral. But if you ask me whose parties I would rather attend, obviously it would be the Montecito crew; Harry and Meghan are friends with Beyonce and Oprah and like, come on, you know we would. It's like we leftists always say: Eat the rich in general, but eat with the rich for fun and wine and a reason to wear a cute linen outfit.

Movie News!

Want to read a perfect headline? Here you go: Elizabeth Olsen Joins Kristen Stewart & Oscar Isaac In Hedonistic '80s Vampire Thriller. That's just one of those headlines where every word is better than the last, yet put together it is still a million times better than the sum of its parts. Imagine being a bisexual looking for something to do on a first date the weekend this movie comes out. What a gift.

In other movie news, Jude Law and Andrew Garfield have been cast as Siegfried and Roy in an upcoming Apple+ film about their lives. Now, if you're anything like me, right now you're probably trying to remember if Siegfried and Roy were lovers or just magician work associates, and I am elated to tell you that yes, they were lovers, so yes, Jude Law and Andrew Garfield are going to kiss. 

Passenger Trash

A woman recently went viral for sharing that she took an entire Whole Foods rotisserie chicken with her on an airplane flight. Like she carried the plastic bag through security and everything. Obviously, people have had things to say. Much of the conversation has been about the smells that would emanate from that bag, but that is not my primary concern; the airplane is full of smells, and I'd rather smell a roasted chicken than everyone's farts (which is, let's be honest, only a nominally different smell). No, my issue is with the mess. Roto-chicks are juicy as hell, and those tiny airplane napkins are meant to capture the salt from five pretzels, not a whole-ass bird. There will be dribbling on the carpet and/or on seats and THAT is where it gets nasty. Cabin cleaners are already underpaid and now they are picking up bones? Literal bones? Nope. This is deranged. Also, the image of the girl holding her bag of chicken kind of gives the idea that like she swung by Whole Foods on her way to the airplane and there was nothing else in the ready-to-eat case so this was her only option, but girlie went THE DAY BEFORE and it sat in her fridge overnight. There was time to cut it up and put it into a tupperware with a lid that closes and leave the juice bag at home!!! We don't have TIME to be dealing with AIRPLANE CHICKEN BAGS right now!!!!! 

Classic Gossip

Actress Mariska Hartigay, whose mother is pinup Jayne Mansfield, told Vanity Fair that she just discovered that her dad was not the person who raised her but an Italian opera singer her mother had a fling with. Wild! I like to imagine her gathering information about the affair via short vignettes of interviews with people who are at their jobs doing important things like moving boxes or wiping down the bar. It must have taken forever to get to the truth. 

Hilaria Baldwin said that "a famous actress" talked shit about her parenting style and the actress is rumored to be Salma Hayek. I have to wonder if Baldwin is mad at Hayek for what she said, or for how she said it, which was with a legitimate Spanish accent. 

Apparently actress and Josh Safdie's muse Julia Fox was going to get involved in the fledgling Real Housewives of New York, but the cast was too much of a mess, and the very same woman who wears denim underwear to grocery shop said "sorry, that is too much." Ouch. 

And that's it for today, my sweet baby trash pandas. Thank you all for reading, and know that in this toilet of an existence, while RFK Jr. is downstream waiting for a shower, I'm always right outside the stall door, ready to talk shit and tell you that you look gorgeous. Because you do.

Lovingly,