Hi everybody, and welcome to the Trash Report! This is an extra special column. because it's for the upcoming FOOD EDITION of the Mercury. Hey, it turns out there isn't enough gossip about food to fill up a whole column, so I'm doing the things that celebrities do when they go to the Met Gala, wearing whatever they felt like instead of sticking to the theme and then giving some lame explanation for how it's connected, so here we go: We all know that one joy of food is that it brings people together in community, and an important part of any community is talking shit about other people in said community. As such, this column is on theme. Boom. 

So let's get to it!

Politics are Salty

The well-done steak currently running this country recently hosted the newly elected Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney in the White House. Carney deftly dealt with the megalomaniacal Trump by complimenting his gaudy mansion and real estate acumen before telling him to STFU about the Canadian state thing. Trump was nodding along before he even realized he was getting read for filth, and it was stunning to watch. I loved it. No notes. There needs to be a Canadian version of the Italian chef's kiss hand for this, like some weather-addled fingers posed as if holding a hockey stick, or a cup of Timmy Horton's coffee. I like when Canada is nailin' it in the news because I like thinking that my favorite Canadians Celine Dion and Mike Myers are happy at the same time.

Love is Sweet

After months of speculation, Only Murders in the Building co-stars and national treasures Martin Short and Meryl Streep were recently papped sucking face in public. And see, this is the kind of incredible news that makes the otherwise grotesque tabloid photography industry seem worth it. Neither of them seemed inclined to confirm their relationship, so now we have to give props to the same motherfuckers who were getting upskirts of Lindsay Lohan back in the day. Good can be found everywhere, including in creeps with telephoto lens attachments on their iPhones. 

The opposite of this heartwarming love story is what's happening with UNC-Chapel Hill coach Bill Belichick and his 49-years-younger girlfriend Jordan Hudson. The May-December pair has been aggressively trying to reassure everyone that there is nothing weird about their relationship, as normal couples do. Hudson was recently banned from all UNC football facilities, which is such an incredible accomplishment for a 24-year-old pageant runner-up. Like they always say, if you can't beat 'em, get permanently and publicly banned by 'em.

Catholicism is Covered in Mustard

The Catholic church just elected a new pope in an elaborate ritual that makes me glad I read the Dan Brown books many years ago. The new pope is American, and from Chicago of all places! This is a gift to America during an otherwise pretty shit time for us. I doubt we'd be so captivated if he was from Cincinnati or wherever the fuck. Da Chicago Pope has lent itself to some great memes about how we know he's wearing a Cubs (or Sox!) shirt under all those fancy robes and how the latest interpretations of the Bible confirm that God says deep dish pizza actually is the best kind. America really needed this. 

new pope!

*crowd goes wild*

American pope!

*crowd boos*

woke for an American!

*crowd goes wild*

bad on protecting abusive priests!

*crowd boos*

hates JD Vance!

*crowd goes wild*

— Micah (@rincewind.run) May 8, 2025 at 10:33 AM

Pickles are Tangy

Beloved local baseball team the Portland Pickles recently filed a lawsuit against Disney for copyright infringement. Apparently Disney has a new show with a softball team called—you guessed it—the Pickles. With so many jarred and canned brined snacks to choose from, using the Pickles could only have been intentional intellectual property theft. Could Disney's team not have been called the Olives? The Asparagus Spears? The freakin' Hearts of Palm? As I write this I realize that Pickles is actually singularly satisfying to say, but that still doesn't make it okay for Disney to yoink it! Drag that rich mouse to hell, Pickles. 

The Tea is Hot

Something incredible is up with the Beckhams these days: Victoria and David Beckham always call out whichever of their children is absent for a family photo, but Daddy Bex just had three parties for his 50th (very 25-year-old girl-coded, but okay) and his eldest child, Brooklyn, did not attend any of them and none of them said a word about it online. This family has had their PR on lock for the past quarter-century; they knew we'd notice and they let the tea flow anyway, which means they must be super mad at each other. Brooklyn has dabbled in loads of nepo-baby vanity projects and I can't wait for his new life as an author of a fiction book about a rich guy whose hot wife hates his bitch mom.  

Speaking of nepo-babies, Margaret Qualley (daughter of Andie MacDowell) is in freaking everything lately, and you know why I think that is? Because she has a human-looking mouth with teeth that haven't been ironed and bleached beyond recognition. Some day someone will want to make a historically accurate movie about something that happened before 1990, and she and Aimee Lou Wood will be the only starlets left with human mouths. 

Eat the Rich

Famed fraudster Elizabeth Holmes is currently serving an 11-year sentence for bilking investors on a lie of a miracle blood-testing machine; her partner, meanwhile, is making good use of his freedom by working on a new company that is developing—wait for it—blood testing technology. Apparently Holmes's friends and former colleagues are among the investors in the new company, and you know what? Some people do actually deserved to be bilked, and they don't deserve that money anymore. This is like losing your fortune on the Hawk Tuah girl's crypto scheme. Sorry, but we're not sorry. A fool and his money are soon parted when a blonde lady has a really cool idea.

Fashion is Delicious

I started this column with a thing about the Met Gala, and I actually have more to say about that (we call this "a callback" in the Big Leagues). For the most part, everybody looked incredible at this year's event, but there was a hilarious conversation about whether K-Pop star Lisa was wearing booty shorts with Rosa Parks's face on them, causing multiple gossip and fashion sites to run close-up photos of her crotch. Next year she should wear a similar look, but with a tiny "FUCK OFF, CREEPS" embroidered over her vag and see how long it takes for sleuths to find it. But this was hardly a controversy. I think we're all constantly chasing the post-Met high when Solange punched Jay-Z in the elevator. It's like how we always watch the Oscars hoping that Will Smith will slap Chris Rock again. It's hard living in a culture in decline, isn't it?

Well everybody, it's time for me to go. I hope your tummies are full of delicious gossip and your hearts are full of compassion, despite all the shit-talking. We discuss because we love, you see, and I'd discuss any last one of you any day of the week. 

Deliciously,