Hi, Trash Pandas! Welcome back to the Trash Report. I am Elinor Jones, recovering from a gorgeous end-of-the-summer visit to Enchanted Forest. They put those signs at the front of the rickety rides warning people with back or heart problems not to get on them, but like, do they want adults to go on the rides with their children or not? You show me a parent without back and heart problems, and I’ll show you a parent who either never forced their squirmy child into a carseat or isn’t paying attention [gestures at the trash heap of a dying empire during late-stage capitalism].
But you know what doesn’t cause back or heart problems? Gossip. 😉
Leave Women Alone. (Some Women.)
Republicans are in dueling tizzies this week because of the existence of two women in their mid-30s. First off: Jon Osoff called out Trump for spending all his time with his “human printer” Natalie Hart. Hart is a 35-year-old conservative blond woman who catapulted out of background status, and now most people are lolling at what a stalker freak she is, while the MAGA crowd is rushing to defend her youthful virtue. But also like, at 39, Osoff isn’t so much mocking a younger person as he is roasting a peer. You know somebody has gotten under Trump’s skin when he presents them with a nickname, and he has started calling Osoff “Pee-Wee Herman.” Pee-Wee Herman? Because he’s white with dark brown hair? Pathetic. Besides, Osoff has a good chin, whereas Pee-Wee Herman did not. And neither does Trump, which means Osoff has a legit, true opportunity to hit him back with “I know you are, but what am I?” (The only thing that could stop Osoff from such a comment is because, at 39, he might be too young to have been a fan of Pee-Wee. Ouch.)
Meanwhile, Democratic Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, 36, has started publicly sharing her egg-freezing journey, compelling the most vile conservative pundits to call her a haggard old crone. It’s got to be a confusing week to hate AOC. They try to label feminists as family-hating, but now that she’s publicly preserving her family planning options, it doesn’t work anymore. I bet they wish so badly she was ugly. Then they could focus on that instead of having to do the mental gymnastics of being mad about her actions.
Karaoke Kringe
Hillary Clinton, Lin-Manuel Miranda, and Paul Rudd are hosting a karaoke fundraiser to defend democracy. What in the 2015-kind-of-move is this? Who are the other special guests, Left Shark and Louis CK? Who in the world is going to Pokemon Go to this? I’m not sure if this is defending democracy as much as it is promoting bullying of whoever wants to go. (In all honesty, I would go, but I’m embarrassing. You can bully me.)
Trends in Clean Eating
The latest food horror news: some frozen blueberries and mixed berries are being recalled due to E. coli contamination, and what the FDA has warned is a “reasonable probability of serious harm or death.” Also, some soft cheeses may contain listeria, and we’re coming off months of fearing lettuce. Let’s look on the bright side: nobody can be embarrassed to have explosive diarrhea when everybody has explosive diarrhea. RFK Jr’s office of Health and Human Services has put out a single comment on the matter: “Yum!”
CelebriDeez Nuts
Margaret Qualley attended a recent movie premiere wearing Chanel shoes that can only be described as “not shoes.” They are basically a little thingy under the heel with string wrapped around the ankle, but the front half of the foot and the toes are completely loose. It’s gross, but I will give her some grace: She is allegedly getting divorced, and nothing says “I’m going home alone and IDGAF” like having dirty-ass feet. Also, if she’s living alone now, she’s got to have way more bills, and pics of those nasty dogs could yield a very tidy sum.
Speaking of celebrity relationships, Ariana Grande is fully and openly dating Ricky Alvarez again, which has made them a paparazzi target. My concern about the latest round of pap pics is not her body—I’ll remain the single gossip columnist not to have an opinion there—but rather, her clothes. First Ariana was pictured wearing an oversized white cardigan over jeans, and later on, was pictured carrying that large cardigan, revealing that the shirt beneath it was… another white cardigan?! That is a crazy outfit. Why not just wear one medium-warm cardigan? I am constantly in my head defending this woman’s choices and wishing people would leave her alone, and then she goes on to do something like this.
Just Like a Pratt
Anna Faris said her son Jack (whose dad is Chris Pratt) is religious while she is not. He even asked her to accept Jesus Christ as her lord and savior, and she said okay. It’s weird, being a lefty parent, because we say we will accept our children no matter who they are, and we’re ready to love them fiercely if they tell us they’re trans or gay or what have you, but I don’t know what I’d do if my kid came at me with “I’m a hardcore Christian; tell me you love Jesus.” Then again, it’s easy to lie to kids to make them happy. We tell them Santa is real, they tell us God is real, and we all just accept that we are lying to each other, because maybe believing in something with somebody is better than believing in nothing alone.
OMG, that was heavy! Look at this angel trash panda stealing popcorn at a baseball game:
Fringe Comedy
Amanda Knox, who was tried for her roommate’s murder in Italy over 15 years ago, is continuing to process her trauma from the ordeal, this time through a comedy performance at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival called “Cartwheel.” This is a nod to allegations that she was doing cartwheels at the police station after the death. I think it’s a great way to pay some bills and try to change how she might be known. Like, she wasn’t a murderous American college student, she was a whimsical American college student! Who could ever be afraid of a woman who is upside-down? Let the lady get paid.
Speaking of upside-down, two of the teenagers who were trapped hanging on the AtmosFear at Oak’s Park were each awarded $275,000 for the ordeal. Which begs the question: would you dangle upside-down at Oaks Park for a half hour for $275,000? I certainly wouldn’t. But then it begs another question, which is: how much would it take? Everybody’s got a price. At some point we’d all dangle for a fat payday. For me, it would take an amount I could retire off of. I’d need to be cush enough financially that I wouldn’t have to eventually repurpose the trauma into a standup show.
Rose City
Yesterday I attended my first Fire game at the Moda Center, and much to all of our elation, the team debuted a new mascot, a glittery pink dragon named Rose. I love her despite not catching any of the shirts she T-shirt-cannoned into the crowd. It was a really magical event, and I am so glad this state boasts not one but two professional basketball teams, as well as not one but two weird and old amusement parks that provide a charming sense of danger.
Thank you for reading and for being my best friends.
Dangerously,
