It’s the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Liveblog!

Happy Thanksgiving, turkeys! Thanks for stopping by this liveblog. I’ve got a pot of coffee, a slight hangover, and not enough holiday zingers in the bank. Whatever, it’s parade time!

BTW, I’m on NBC. (Thanks tk!)

8:58am
I’m really glad that Bobby Flay has left my television but not sure how many Black Friday commercials I’m going to be able to take. The parade has not started and I’m cranky. Holidays!

9:00 I always feel like Anne Curry could do better. I am SO INTO Al Roker’s outfit, but the executive producer looks not smart – she should not get to have those big scissors.

9:03 Avril is going to be here?! I hope she still has a black eye.

9:05 What the fuck?

9:06 This is too lame even for me. I cannot handle this dancing.

9:06 Am I a cranky bastard or is this as awful as I think it is? And I am a slut for cheesy song and dance numbers.

9:07 Oh, they made an 85. And then they all died?

9:08 BALLOONS MAKE THINGS BETTER. HA HA, LIKE REGULAR BALLOONS BUT HUGE.

9:11 Commercial break. My husband just read what I’ve written so far. “I like it…but you’re kinda grumpy.” Sorry! Not.

9:13 WHAT NEWSIES?!?!?!?!? THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

9:14 They changed the lyrics? This is really messing with my fantastic singalong. And Denton is a chick now? But…king….?

9:15 Quiet time because tap dancing.

9:17 I want to know how old those boys are before I say the next thing I want to say….That was a pretty badass number though, right? But I miss Vinny and Bill Pullman.

9:21 Sister Act! The fucking 90s are rocking my parade days, you guys. The only VHS I watched more than Newsies in 1992 was Sister Act.

9:23 You’re not Whoopi.

9:25 Okay, first pedophilia joke of the day typed and erased.

9:29 I don’t like Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter (sue me, nerds) but he is cuter than shit in that blazer.

9:30 He’s so little! I want to put him in my pocket. And he is a bitchin’ dancer! Color me impressed. Okay, this is my favorite part of the parade so far.

9:37 Priscilla Queen of the Desert, a.k.a. the most gayballs part of this very gayballs morning. I am loving this.

9:39 Does everybody see that pink kangaroo kid on the tv or am I super high??

9:51 Ugh, my internet just HAD to crap out during that Spiderman horseshit! So many jokes not made. 🙁

9:52 The Rockettes! Time for my annual “I totally could be a dancer” lie.

9:53 SQUEE THOSE KICKS!!! NEVER STOP KICKING!!!!!!!

9:54 If anybody is curious what I look like, just imagine a combo of the 3 hottest Rockettes, plus gravy and pie.

9:58 High school marching bands suck and are boring. Smoke break.

10:01 Husband reading my posts. “What does ‘squee’ mean?” Who the hell did I marry??

10:03 Avril is such a snooze. And no black eye. What a waste of a celebrity appearance.

10:07 Did Matt Lauer just suggest that the Mayflower was filled with giant squirrels and geese wearing hats? I think he did.

10:09 “Hey Tony, how was your Thanksgiving?” “Not bad, just dressed liked an acorn and swayed my arms in front of a country pop star.” My heart is aching for that guy.

10:11 This Sesame Street song is gonna be my new ringtone.

10:17 Hamburger Helper float needs more hamburger.

10:18 “Blood Brothers” is a fucking weird name for a song. It’s supposed to be for NYPD but it makes me think suicide pacts.

10:18 Fireman balloon = Dr. Robotnik.

10:20 Another stupid high school marching band. It’s hard to pick which kid I want to trip the most.

10:22 Cee-Lo is on, and while that could be cool and this song is kind of awesome, I’m extremely disappointed by his outfit. I mean, remember this?

10:26 If you guys are wondering why this is just a text wall with no images, it’s because I don’t know how to post images. Sorry.

10:28 Who is this tween? I missed her name. But this song fucking blows, and she looks like a megabitch.

10:30 Whoa, this American Idol totally fucked up his lipsyncing! Did you see that?

10:35 Anne Curry, respected journalist: “SPONGEBOB IS THE FIRST SQUARE BALLOON!” Sad.

10:38 I hereby crown Michael Feinstein the whitest white dude alive.

10:39 Squint at that Mickey Mouse balloon and tell me it doesn’t look like he’s holding a dildo.

10:43 Power Rangers Samurai has mesmerized me. I…no words. Help.

10:44 I realize that the Kung Fu Panda balloon is extremely wholesome but I’d rather his legs were together. Because his crotch is too big.

10:45 This Cobra Starship song is so bumpin’ that my dog barked at the TV.

10:47 PANDAMONIUM. SWEET PUN, LAUER.

10:49 China (last name?) is pretty and singing a song called “Unstoppable” on a giant duck. Whatever.

10:53 Black Friday commercials always make me think of this SNL commercial and then I laugh.

10:54 Native American dancers. Are we supposed to believe that they are amped on Thanksgiving? “Thanks for the reservations! Yum, stuffing!”

10:57 These high school bimbos are desecrating the high kick! Stop it you bitches!

10:58 Everybody be quiet. Neil Diamond’s eyebrows are on the tv.

11:00 Two hours down! I fucking HATE these Nikon ads with Ashton Kutcher. Did you guys know I’m going to be reviewing New Year’s Eve in a couple of weeks? I’m going to give Erik 400 words on how douchey Ashton Kutcher is. Doucheton Doucher. Gross.

11:02 Husband’s awesome commentary: “I like shapes.”

11:11 I don’t like to call women slutty, so let’s just say that those 3 sailor ladies look like the most adventurous ladies in this parade.

11:13 What is Miss America even doing on that float?!? Her blank stare is going to be in my nightmares.

11:14 Matt Lauer is drunk. He just said “compromise” instead of “comprise.” Let’s mock his hairline and everything else.

11:16 I will fight anybody who does not love Mary J. Blige.

11:21 I got off the couch for the first time all morning and missed the explanation for those chubby dudes in shorts. I think it’s better this way.

11:23 I hate marching bands. They are synchronized walkers. BFD. Next.

11:24 THE POKEMON’S CHEEKS LIGHT UP! THANK YOU HUGE BALLOON FOR MAKING ME FORGET THOSE BAND ASSHOLES.

11:26 Can you imagine being on the flight to NYC with all of those cheerleaders? I bet it smelled like a Bath and Body Works prison. They look awesome though.

11:29 AHHHHHHH!!!!!! ALABAMA CUPCAKE DRESSES!!!! I BET YOU MONEY ALL OF THOSE GIRLS ARE MURDERERS.

11:30 They don’t even give these “singers” mics. Come on, guys. Let us imagine that they are singing.

11:31 Al Roker: “I LOVE THE NUTMOBILE.” That’s going on his tombstone.

11:32 Grinch dressed as Santa dancing with a candy cane. Why the fuck not. These people are all on drugs.

11:39 I’ve had like 5 cups of coffee, 2 glasses of water, and an aleve, and I still can’t shake this red wine headache. Dora the Explorer is not helping.

11:40 Wait, this band is called The Fresh Beat Band!!! Hangover cured. World Peace acheived. AIDS cured. Love it.

11:42 Confession: I spent about 4 minutes of high school thinking about joining the flag team. I’m so glad I dodged that bullet. Snobby friends are good for some things.

11:43 Suck it Priscilla Queen of the Desert – Johnny Weir in a furry white gown is now the most gayballs thing in this parade!

11:52 Holy balls you guys, this is so fun and exhausting! But alas, I now have to help make a green bean casserole and go full fat kid for this holiday. Have awesome Thanksgivings, and thanks for watching TV with me!

Kisses with tongue,
Joneser

OH ALSO – I hope that you all tune in to 101.9 at noon for my very favorite Thanksgiving tradition of listening to “Alice’s Restaurant” in its entirety. Please do this.