I, Anonymous is the column where YOU write your most secret confessions and insane rants—anonymously! Sure, it's a great way to get stuff off your chest, but it's also a way for you to become FAMOUS—anonymously.

The best rants or confessions are chosen to be featured in the print edition of the Mercury (read weekly by hundreds of thousands), and if it's especially interesting/crazy/well-written it's picked for inclusion in the I, Anonymous podcast (a monthly comedy show hosted by Portland's funniest person 2017, Caitlin Weierhauser—join us on August 1 at Curious Comedy Theater for our next show) that has a potential listenership of MILLIONS! So submit your great anonymous story here!

Want to know what kind of I, Anonymous submissions are chosen for print and our podcast? Here's a classic submission from the I, Anonymous vault.

Curse of the Fry Girl

You stupid wannabe witch. You didn't think I saw you trying to put a curse on me at McDonald's, did you? Listen, I don't have time to wait ten minutes while you deal with all the cars in the drive-through. I have a REAL job to get to, Endora. So yeah, I complained! But instead of apologizing, you wiggled your spindly fingers at me and mumbled some sort of made-up hex under your breath. Well, you’ll be sad to know that your curse didn’t work. Because newsflash, dummy: WITCHCRAFT IS NOT REAL! Because if it were, you wouldn’t be working at McDonalds! —Anonymous

Got a confession or rant to share with the world? SUBMIT YOURS HERE, ANONYMOUSLY.