To all my fellow Portlanders who hate Portland so much because of the hipsters, the sanctimonious vegans, the homophobes, the liberal douchetards, the conservative douchetards, the breeders who bring their spoiled bratty kids to a nice restaurant on date night, the child-haters that don't like your darling kids, the militant gays who want to suck your cock, the ugly lesbians that you hate to look at, the hot lesbians that won't suck your cock, the wannabe REI-wearing yuppies waiting in line an hour for a crappy brunch with their cloned friends who are with their untrained unleashed dogs who ride their bikes on the sidewalk while discussing how much better Portland was "back in the day"...or whatever: I have a suggestion for you.
Why not leave?
Seriously, the world is a big place and it is full of people more or less annoying than the people you find in Portland. I hear St. Louis is nice. So is Zanesville, Ohio. Hell, Phnom Penh is pretty mellow and on a river and kind of near the ocean. Follow your dreams to Perfectville!
In the meantime, please keep writing to I Anonymous. Your petty problems, narcissism and self-aggrandizing biases make my petty problems look less petty and my narcissism and infatuation with my own opinions seem much more healthy. I, too, share many of the same annoyances. Thank you for all the good times and have a nice day!
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