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Thursday, August 9, 2012

Stay Classy, Portland

Posted by Anonymous on Thu, Aug 9, 2012 at 6:30 AM

I've lived in Portland. I've lived on the East Coast, too, before relocating back to the NW, where I currently reside in Vancouver.

Yeah, I know...Vancouver. It's that little Podunk north bank town that sorta cramps your eccentric, progressive Portland style. On this side of the Columbia, we are inbred, naive slack-jaws who only stare at the big city lights from afar, mouths agape and hands wanking furiously at each other's dicks with ignorant splendor. We hate recycling, and unless it means burning dirty diapers and old rubber tires in our back yard, we NEVER compost, either. Our cars of choice are simple and reduced to two options: Dodge Caravans or Dodge Durangos, the former being the prime choice for our beautiful, Christian mothers to take their children to various sporting events, and the latter is for throwing miscellaneous game we hunt for fun in the backwoods of our neighborhood. If we had a Chick-fil-A, we'd all be there in a heartbeat, because over here, we hate gays, too. We have nothing when it comes to small, local business; we don't have farmers markets, art fairs, or any kind of beer scene, and we're happy it's like this because we don't like promoting any socialist, Obama agenda (We stand with Mitt).

Oh wait, just kidding—-this isn't what we ARE, it's what most Portlanders EQUATE us to!

Hey assholes...put a fuck you on it.

Sincerely,

Vancouver resident who doesn't mind living in Vancouver (ohmygodwut?!)

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