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Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Yes, We are Judging Your Beverage Choices

Posted by Anonymous on Tue, Sep 11, 2012 at 4:04 PM

Indeed, fair beer aisle shoppers. The people who stock those shelves and happily offer recommendations also harbor some level of disdain for the clueless AND fanboys alike. Not that we expect you to care, but we're looking at you, "Pliny The Elder-guy"... you come in with hopeful eyes, much like the ones you donned 30 years ago at a Toys R' Us as you turned down the Cabbage Patch aisle. Scarcity is a bitch, but also one hell of a marketing ploy. I love Pliny as much as the next guy, but WE LIVE ON THE FUCKING WEST COAST. You can't find another 574 readily-available imperial IPAs that knock your socks off? Please stop asking for it and patronize one of the many great breweries located nearby.

Or you, "Shock Top Douche/Douchette". You've never had it, but that Brian Bosworth orange wedge logo spoke to you from that freeway billboard. Or was it the inadvertent gay porn movie title? I know you wanted to stuff those long necks in your golf bag to whip out to your buddies on the 8th hole, but we don't carry it.

Or you, "I want something 'fun' like Corona or Mike's Hard" gal. Look, I know stuffing a piece of fruit in a bottle or having flavored malt liquor feels like what you do when you let your hair down and get sassy. My Mexican friends laugh when they see you buy that "pee-pee" in clear bottles. It's astonishing you'd drop $7.99 for it when the same coin gets you a light micro that might actually resemble beer. But whatever, fucktards.

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