I, Anonymous
Got an anonymous confession or rant you just have to share with the world? Submit it to I, Anonymous HERE and leave out the names of the guilty and innocent. The views and opinions stated here are not necessarily those of the Mercury.
Halloween Is Upon Us
Got an anonymous confession or rant you just have to share with the world? Submit it to I, Anonymous HERE!—eds]
I can’t help myself to ask, “why bother“ as sit here on another late October Sunday morning listening to rain pelt off the window after a sleep deprived night out. It is that time of year again where the real scary part of the season is everyone’s baseline anxiety derived from comparing themselves to one another in their sexy costumes. This past weekend I was “fortunate” enough to be invited to a house party to not only be left out of a group costume due to a high school drama level pettiness, but also be gas lit on everyone doing sexy and I was in a onesie … hooray! This whole experience got me thinking how silly the season is, maybe it is the mindless consumerism, tacky decorations or possibly the endless one up’ing each outer that goes on with adult house parties — translates as “come over and see how we live” you broke mother f’ers.
Honestly it all feels so performative. Maybe that is just the byproduct of the transplant polly types trying to hard to be cool without actually being cool? For what it is worth, I do not claim to be the ultimate judge of coolness, but I can say with conviction that having some cut rate DJ is not going to win any great house party vibes from me. But seriously, please create a space that feels authentic, it is not like everyone spent several hours getting their fit on only to come out fashionably late for maybe two hours for nothing. Sure I can take a billon photos of you doing poses like a teenager for your “Look at how much fun we had” Instagram post, 40s are the new 20s or something to that effect, right?
Why did I even bother you ask? Because I am must be a masochist to these types of things and being quietly rejected to further conversations because, no, I won’t sleep with you and your long term partner. Meh, oh well, at least I got to see several selection of the new playthings that totally wasn’t attempts on making the recent exes jealous all transpire before heading out to laugh about the absurdity of it all.—Anonymous
Trick or Treat
[Got an anonymous confession or rant you just have to share with the world? Submit it to I, Anonymous HERE!—eds]
Happy Spooky Season y’all. Reminder here to support real local treat makers and kitchen witches when you get possessed by sugar cravings. A midnight raven recently told me that there are major changes going on with Big Chocolate companies. Some of these big players are buying contracts with techzombies who make synthetic food-like-frankenchocolate substances and they may not be informing the public about these secret workings lurking beneath their enchanted branding. Whatever tricks they present us with, they are pushing fake food on us. There are sketchy Monsanto/Bayer level curses going on in that quadrant of agriculture. So go get you a local chocolate made by magicians who use real ingredients. The stuff at everybox might not be what it appears to be! Perhaps a ghost of its formal self. Treat yourself with lovingly local magic instead of tricking yourself that you can trust these megamonopoly monster mashers with your sweet tooth!—Anonymous
Mighty Mighty
[Got an anonymous confession or rant you just have to share with the world? Submit it to I, Anonymous HERE!—eds]
If you really want to prevent windows from being broken, how about holding political consultants with two houses accountable for all their crimes. If it daylights Oregon DOJ corruption then so be it.—Anonymous
Self Absorbed Front Row Audience Pair
[Got an anonymous confession or rant you just have to share with the world? Submit it to I, Anonymous HERE!—eds]
Next time you want to play a somatic game in the audience before a performance, maybe try being still for 60 seconds, and have some awareness of those around you. Maybe try listening, rather than voicing your self satisfied ego and emotional and physical expressions. Your presumptious consumption of culture for your own self satisfaction was distracting. And it shouldn’t need to be said, but don’t fucking touch someone you don’t know!! All of this in a space where the audience is connecting through art and a shared experience. You were insufferable and I had to leave at intermission.—Anonymous
Ho Tip
[Got an anonymous confession or rant you just have to share with the world? Submit it to I, Anonymous HERE!—eds]
I greeted you by name because you served me beer several times. I greeted YOU. I just like to be cool, friendly, and cordial with my servers rather than the way too aloof and too sexy for themselves “mixologists,” types who care more about image than customer service. You’re leaving in 30 min and are trying to maximize your tip yield so you wanna close my tab out. You said this to me. And how I could open my tab with your coworker.
The reason was, “I have somewhere else to be.” I said, “you don’t wanna be here.” I made small talk about where that was. Then you said, “I have to be here.” Okay, well, Mr. Smarty, yeah, want to and have to is a big difference. Well, you don’t HAVE to be anywhere.
So one ho Tip, check out your attitude. With a better one, you might make more tips. Life sucks, works sucks, but why live that to become truth. You don’t have to love what you do but maybe try to at least like it. And if you don’t, then don’t do it.
The second ho Tip is you are young and pathetic to have to announce your need for tips. Yeah, Portlands tip entitlement, blah blah.
Third ho Tip, I’m never going back there again.
What’s my name, bro?—Anonymous