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Resistance events for the week of December 6-19.
As mentioned in my last column, many of you believe I’m uniquely unqualified for my job. Hey, I’m not arguing! In fact, I’ll do you one better: I’m not only unqualified for this job, I’m woefully unqualified for 96 percent of jobs in America, and that includes being a jizz mopper at Mr. Peeps. So […]
It was Saturday afternoon and we were supposed to go to the gun and knife show. “You want to make yourself uncomfortable,” my boyfriend said, “that’d be the place.” He was right. I have a totally irrational thing I do where I become incensed when I’m surrounded by people who I assume voted for Trump. […]
{{image:1, align:right, width:200}} “I want a pretty pony!”—Rebecca Jenson, age 8 Merry Christmas, Rebecca! Allow me to give you your present early: The news that you’ll NEVER get a goddamn pony! You live in a fucking city, bed-pisser! Where do you plan on keeping a fucking HORSE? Inside your mother’s studio apartment? Next to your […]
Portland constituents: It’s come to my attention that whenever I offer a totally awesome idea that would improve this city, I get yelled at in a very rude manner. Case in point: my recent “Protest Safety Ordinance,” in which the police commissioner (hey, that’s me!) would decide the time and place for every potentially violent […]
Bienvenidos a Miami, and by “Miami,” I mean this column, and by “bienvenidos,” I mean—you know what, if you claim not to understand that reference to the top jam from the late-’90s resurgence of Will Smith’s rap career, maybe this isn’t the place for you. To the non-haters: bienvenidos, and hi! It’s Thanksgiving! This is […]
There are two types of people in the world: those who hate me, and those who won’t tell me why they hate me. Here’s a letter I received this week: “Dear Oregon, I’d like to apologize to all Oregonians for Wm. Steven Humphrey. Maybe you’ve read his remarks about President Trump being a bigot. Trump […]
Resistance events for the week of November 22-December 5
“You’re out. We’re in.” Those were the words painted on the traveling Timbers Army post-game tifo high in the nosebleeds of the northeast corner of CenturyLink Field. Timbers forward Dairon Asprilla had just buried a game-winning penalty kick against a red-hot Seattle Sounders who were coming off one of the best second half seasons in […]
After two years of writing a column about being an introvert who attends random people’s parties, I finally receive it: an invitation to a “Silent Socialite Party” where talking is highly discouraged. The invitation states light snacks and beverages will be available. Attendees may also bring their own, but it isn’t expected or required. “Got […]
Dear Readers, Portland, put down your pot vapers—because I’m about to BLOW YOUR FREAKING MIND OUT OF YOUR FREAKING BRAIN. Okay, currently you’re reading this article and murmuring, “Wow, I’m really intrigued by what Wm. Steven Humphrey is saying thus far.” But here’s the thing… I’m not talking to you right now, I’m talking to […]
Hi! How about the cruel joke known as daylight saving time? Old-timey farmers from the past should not be the deciders of how dark it is when I leave work. As if we needed an extra hour of November 2018! It’s been figuratively dark for two years, but now it’s also literally dark almost all […]
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