With your host, Dr. Erik Henriksen!
columns
Posted inCalendar
The 14 Best Ways to Make a Difference in Portland this Week: January 17-30
MLK Day March and Donation Drive, Superhero-Themed ICE Rally, and a Fundraiser for Local Journalism
Resistance events for the week of January 17-30.
Posted inComedy
Fun with Anxiety: Why I’m Considering Becoming a Scofflaw
I didn’t partake in the slip ’n’ slide, but I did take the mushrooms. It was a hot, sweat-slick day in Denton, Texas, and I was with my college roommate, the same boy who had been my boyfriend in kindergarten. Now he had a boyfriend and I didn’t. Thank god I’d gotten over him when […]
Posted inComedy
Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Adventures in Newspapering: Side Hustle
First of all, don’t panic. The Mercury is fine, okay? Our switch to a biweekly format was wildly successful, we’re making money, our readership is bigger than ever, and I’m less of a butthole around the office. I’m happy in my job and have no intention of leaving, okay? (Sorry, haters!) That said, I need […]
Posted inComedy
This Too Shall Pass: The “I Hate January and R. Kelly” Blues
Happy New Year, babies! Great news: That was the last New Year’s Eve where the numbers on party eyewear will have to be tweaked in a weird way to say 2019. (The 9 is an eye??) Next year is 2020, so our party glasses will be much more functional. Our prize (not a prize) for […]
Posted inComedy
The Mercury’s Absolutely, 100 Percent Guaranteed Accurate, Predictions for 2019!
► In 2019, millions of out-of-state crows descend on Portland following success of new sitcom, Crowlandia. ► A typo in Paul Allen’s will accidentally bequeaths Portland Trail Blazers to sister’s dog McScribbits, a 14-year-old morbidly obese Puginese. ► Patriot Prayer’s Joey Gibson signs endorsement deal with Under Armour. ► Hall & Oates concert at Oregon […]
Posted inCalendar
The 15 Best Ways to Make a Difference in Portland this Week: December 20-January 2
Homeless Person’s Memorial Day, Blood Drives, and an Ocean-Friendly NYE
Resistance events for the week of December 20-January 2.
Posted inComedy
Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Adventures in Newspapering: Fake Poos
Recently I walked into my office to find that someone had placed a prank “fake poop” (pictured below) on my chair. I immediately sent out the following all-staff memo: Dear Mercury employees: One of you left a ‘fake doo-doo’ on my chair. What a jolly joke! You’ll be happy to know that—for now, at least—I’m […]
Posted inComedy
Baby New Year Can Go Straight to Hell
That’s right—I said it! Baby New Year can go straight to hell! In case you’ve forgotten—and most of you have—I was Baby New Year once, too! In January 2018. And ohhhhh, you loved me then, didn’t you? You had such high hopes for me and the new year. But now? You hate me. Why? Because […]
Posted inComedy
This Too Shall Pass: Merry Christmas Catfight
Happy Holidays to everyone, especially to those who get mad when people say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas!” Your gift from me is this column, which will now include this fun fact: Historically, Christmas has mostly been a time for getting drunk and rowdy. The evolution of Christmas being a wholesome day geared toward […]
Posted inComedy
The Party Review: The Year in Review
Over the past 12 months, I have attended more than 20 parties and written charming reviews of the very best and most memorable. Now, before we sing “Auld Lang Syne,” one question looms large: What have we learned about throwing the perfect 10-point party? Well, let us listicle… 1. The Mercury’s holiday party demonstrated the […]
Posted inComedy
Frank Cassano’s Imbecile Parade: “What Do You Want from Santa This Year?”
{{image:1, align:right, width:200}} “I want a pretty pony!”—Rebecca Jenson, age 8 Merry Christmas, Rebecca! Allow me to give you your present early: The news that you’ll NEVER get a goddamn pony! You live in a fucking city, bed-pisser! Where do you plan on keeping a fucking HORSE? Inside your mother’s studio apartment? Next to your […]