VANCOUVER, Washington (AP)—A spoiled carton of milk claims that its “freedom to poison” has been violated by a Vancouver man who accused the milk of ruining his bowl of breakfast cereal. According to the man’s victim impact statement, it only took one spoonful of milk-soaked Honey Nut Cheerios for Danny Lister, 28, to realize something […]
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Posted inComedy
Last Minute Halloween Costume Ideas!
Sexy Midterm Election Anxiety Sexy E-Scooter Sexy Angry Miniature Horse Sexy Climate Change Sexy Ex’s Costume from Last Year (Come Get Your Stuff, Seth!) Sexy Patriot Prayer Thug Sexy Couch (Achieved by Taping Couch Cushions to Your Front and Back) Sexy Anti-Abortion Ballot Measure Sexy Staph Infection Sexy Commuter Who Gets Held Up by a […]
Posted inComedy
Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Adventures in Newspapering: “Goatee”
Dear Readers: GOATEES ARE GROSS. This truth we hold to be self-evident—and yet? Both the Oregonian and the Portland Tribune have endorsed a goateed person to be our next governor. Yes, there are plenty of other reasons to dislike GOP gubernatorial candidate Knute Buehler, which I will entertainingly list here: • His name is “Knute.” […]
Posted inCalendar
The 12 Best Ways to Make a Difference in Portland this Week: October 25-November 7
Resistance events for the week of October 25-November 7
Posted inComedy
Fun with Anxiety: Into the Comfort Zone
I wanted to do something outside my comfort zone for this column. I really did. But in the past few weeks, the Kavanaugh hearings put me in a state of such discomfort that taking that even further seemed almost cruel. I’ve wanted to crawl out of my skin, out of my body (which is apparently […]
Posted inComedy
The Party Review: A Comical Housewarming
It should come as little surprise that I frequent gatherings inundated with my fellow social misfits (i.e., comedians). What should come as a surprise is when I attend parties thrown and attended by comedians that are stocked with actual food. Generally speaking, when I enter a colleague’s kitchen, I expect incongruent condiments and more mixers […]
Posted inCalendar
The 13 Best Ways to Make a Difference in Portland this Week: October 11-24
Resistance events for the week of October 11-24.
Posted inComedy
Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Adventures in Newspapering
Nice Try, Russian Bots!
Dear Readers: Full disclosure: In my last column I kind of lost my mind. But luckily for everyone, I am an evolved person—which means I admit my mistakes, and then in return, you forgive those mistakes. (Thanks for that, btw.) For those who missed my last column: I went batshit nutz when a TOTAL BUTTHOLE […]
Posted inGossip
This Too Shall Pass: Miniature Horses and Speidi Crystals
Hi, everyone! I’m sincerely glad you’re taking time to read this biweekly documentation of one woman’s descent into madness. But we’re not dead… so that’s… something? Every day we’re not dead is one more middle finger to all those yahoos in charge. Hey, yahoos! We’re still here! Yes, “here” might be a large pillow fort […]
Posted inComedy
Be On the Lookout for These… SCAMS!
Be on the lookout for criminals trying to fleece you with the following scams! THE “ACTUALLY, THAT’S MY $10” SCAM A stranger (actually a scam artist) approaches you on the street, and asks to look inside your wallet. You agree, and he points to a $10 bill, saying, “Oh… actually that’s my $10,” and pockets […]
Posted inComedy
Wm. Steven Humphrey’s Adventures in Newspapering: “Feedback”
DEAR READERS: Longtime reader Matt C (who apparently had a tough time finding our address) writes, “Jeez, new Merc! No ‘feedback contact’ option? Anyhow, just thumbing through the re-vamped paper, and all I really noticed were larger ads… and seemingly MORE of them! No ‘letters’ anymore? No ‘I, Anonymous’?! Those were the only two things […]
Posted inCalendar
The 13 Best Ways to Make a Difference in Portland this Week: September 27-October 10
Bingo for the Gorge, DoveLewis’ Dogtoberfest, and Plenty of Political Debates
Resistance events for the week of September 27-October 10