The reason I don’t own a Macintosh Computer… Aside from the fact that they won’t sell me one because I call them Macintosh Computers… And they’re too expensive… The reason is because when I’m not around, it’s just going to smoke pot and call inappropriate humanitarian aid agencies for food. This is of particular concern […]
Drunk
Posted inFood and Drink
Pork Log Deluxe
I’m about as excited to do another post about bacon as I am to do another post about the smoking ban—not very, in other words. But the following video titled “the pork experiments” had far too much pluck (and pork) to ignore. As far as I can tell, these folks are creating a far more […]
Posted inDrunk
Goodbye to (hack wheeze caff caff moan)
At 10 PM on New Years Eve, it’s beginning to feel like this was a bad idea. I’m more than a pack into my Portland Smoking Ban Farewell Dive Bar Tour and I can actually hear my lungs pleading for mercy. But do I show mercy? No. Because I’m obstinate and cranky. And believe me: […]
Posted inDrunk
Goodbye (cough) to All That (cough cough): Part Two
Smoke Gets in Your Eyes “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” -Brooke Shields 9:30 AM, Lotsa Luck I’ve sat down in one of the cushy captain’s chairs in the lovable dive known as the Lotsa Luck. I’ve got two packs of cigarettes in my car and one […]
Posted inDrunk
Goodbye (cough) to All That (cough cough)
Smoke and booze. Booze and smoke. To me, they are inextricably linked. But as we look across the country, the smoky bar is becoming a nicotine stained memory. Soon, all that will be left will be so many thousands of yards of browned wallpaper and grungy beer signs that will never be clean, no matter […]
Posted inDrunk
Resolution Post
Here we go again. The 2008 Hot Men of Medical Research calendar has been taken down and the 2009 Vomitoriums of the Rich and Famous calendar is waiting in the wings (wow, look at Mario Batali’s gold inlaid porcelain jobby). It all feels a little bit arbitrary if you ask me. I mean, if we […]
Posted inDrunk
Xmas Drinkin’
I don’t mind drinking alone on Christmas Eve, but Christmas begs a little camaraderie (plus, I really can’t handle one more hour of NPR at its most maudlin, and anyway I’m out of bourbon). Open bars that I know of: the Basement, the Rialto, the Bonfire, the Tanker, Bar of the Gods (or do we […]
Posted inDrunk
Flirting… with Magic!
Yes, you’ve tried “making conversation” in order to pick up the chicks… that shit don’t work! Now you can really impress the ladies INTO BED using the seducing power of “magic.” Luckily for us, girls am dumb! Tips to Everything is Terrible!
Posted inDrunk
Celebrities: They Menstruate Just Like Us!
I remember when I caught my first case of menstruation—I was so ashamed. Luckily for me I lived in Australia, and I had teenage Naomi Watts to introduce me to the most amazing product ever: TAMPAX! Ruined trousers, you are now a thing of the past!In your FACE, menstruation. IN YOUR BIG FAT FUCKING FACE!!!
Posted inDrunk
Finally.
If only I’d had one of these on that fateful night at Porky’s in 2004… Now the iPod can answer the question: Am iDrunk? A new product called the iBreath turns Apple Inc.’s iPod into an alcohol breathalyzer. The $79 accessory plugs into the base of the iPod and functions like a field sobriety test. […]
Posted inDrunk
December Boozy Goodness: More Warmth
I had the pleasure of drinking with Lance Mayhew last night, and I have to say he’s one of the most down to earth ‘mixologists” I’ve ever met: just as comfortable knocking back shots and beer in a dive bar as he is behind the bar of swanky eatery. The drinking session inspired me to […]
Posted inDrunk
The End of Candy Booze
Good people whose good fun is being ruined by MillerCoors and the State of Illinois.Last week New York Magazine published this article that basically says that ladies are the super lushes of the future and that it’s because of feminism. But they also say that alcopops (does anyone use this word?) are to blame because […]