Letters

THERE OUGHTTA BE A LAW! DEAR EDITOR: Yesterday I saw two young men with offensive tattoos. Covering the entire cheek of the first man’s face was a new, multi-colored tattoo of a long dagger, dripping blood. The second offensive tattoo was a Nazi insignia. This was no simple blue-ink Charles-Manson prison job; it was a […]

HE’S NOT UNHAPPY, HE’S MY BROTHER-IN-LAW TO THE EDITOR: I am writing in regards to “Shut Up and Bleed” [Frank Bures, May 23, in which Frank visits a plasma center]. The gentleman, or should I say, asshole, who wrote the article failed to obtain accurate facts. Paul, whom he claims is “large and unhappy,” is […]

IN DEFENSE OF PABST BLUE RIBBON From the Editor: Two weeks ago, someone by the name of B-Ma wrote in asking the Mercury to “please explain the fixation this town has with Pabst Blue Ribbon.” While we were far too drunk to put up a viable defense, we knew our readers would not fail us. […]

THERE’S GONNA BE A RUMBLE TO WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY: I’m glad you claim “used to skate” status [Film, Dogtown and Z-Boys review, May 9]. It would really suck to see and hear kooks like you at all the great parks we have here in Oregon. It might be fun to see you get your ass […]

PBR: IF IT SUCKS, WHY DRINK IT? DEAR MERCURY: Could you please explain the fixation this town has with Pabst Blue Ribbon? The hipsters, in specific, have developed a strong sense of brand-loyalty for this pilsner. I’ve seen bike messengers and other shaggy-headed poster children of the thrift-store nation with PBR patches sewn to their […]

WHO REPRESENTS US? DEAR EDITOR: Regarding measure 26-30 [“The Outsider,” Feature, April 4, i.e. “The Good Government Initiative”]: I’m puzzled as to why the opposition no longer believes in a grassroots effort, considering they used to campaign that way. Apparently time and influence changes people, especially those in power. I pose the following questions to […]

CHARLES JOINS THE RULING CLASS? TO CHARLES MUDEDE: In Bushi Hiphop, your paean to interracial elitism, you betray your exalted education with an ignorance that runs far deeper than crude idioms [Music, April 18, in which Charles–who had a black upper-class upbringing–criticizes Ludicris for his “crude” rhymes]. By looking down on those not so fortunate […]

DON’T TRUST STEVEN SEAGAL TO THE EDITOR: I’d like to warn people of the dangers of dealing with celebrities who claim to have knowledge of alternative medical techniques, and who further claim to be able and willing to help the public. I have a cherished cousin Annette, who suffers from many health problems–which may soon […]

DISPATCH FROM THE GREAT COSMIC MOTHER DEAR MERCURY: Usually brilliant Ann Romano sourced the word “Easter” in the Hebrew word for Passover, “pesah” [One Day at a Time, April 4]. WRONG!!!!!!! The “Christian” holiday is named after the Germanic pagan goddess Oestre, or Eostre, whose fertility rites occurred around the Spring Equinox–thus the bunnies and […]

RECOGNIZE MY TALENT, BITCHES! TO THE MERCURY: I want to know what I did to NOT get the fuckin’ job as the receptionist in your office last year. I want to know because I’m a few months away from completing my B.A. and would like to know what the fuck it is that turns off […]

THREE CHEERS FOR ALEXANDER HAMILTON! TO THE EDITOR: Three cheers for Katia Dunn [“A 700-Word Essay on Alexander Hamilton,” March 21]!! While her exuberance may have caused her to overstate a trivial fact (i.e. that he wasn’t technically President), the fact remains he was too good and humble to take on the showboat/figurehead role. And […]

A MISTAKE ONLY A STUPID IDIOT WOULD MAKE TO KATIA DUNN: President Alexander Hamilton? Where the fuck did you learn that? [“Liquor? I Don’t Even Know Her!” Katia Dunn, March 14.] Not only was Alexander Hamilton not President during the Whiskey Rebellion, he was never President, ever! George Washington (remember him?) was President from 1789-1797 […]